It’s really quite here. Sally is taking a nap and the other 4 are outside in the snow. They are having a blast. If Jeff were here he would be out with them helping them build jumps for their sleds and snowboards. Encouraging them to be dangerous, while I tell them to be careful. Who is going to do that now? Who is going to balance me? Who will be the voice of reason and the voice of adventure? I miss him. At times I find it hard to believe he’s actually gone. Other times it seems he’s been gone longer then ten days. We were happy and now I’m so sad and he’s so gone. It happened so quick.
I went to see the car today. I needed to say goodbye. I needed to see it to make sure that Jeff did not suffer. By looking at the car, you can tell he didn’t. I took pictures. A few friends took pictures too. I brought a few pieces of the car home, just to have. I’m glad I went, now I know. It was kind of a sad day. Conferences were tonight at school, Jeff should have been there, he would have been so proud. Every day that passes, I seem to miss him more. I spend hours thinking of our last moments, our last hours, and our last days. This still sucks.
I need to type this out for my own peace of mind, I need to have a perment record of it so that I can think of things other then the accident, I need to write the details so that I don’t have to keep remembering them.
We’d had a good morning. The kids were groggy, Jeff couldn’t find his travel coffee mug, but that was normal. He’d gone to the car to load his stuff and then came inside to say goodbye. He kissed and hugged me and then Sam piped up “Don’t forget to say goodbye to your family” Jeff replied, “I would never forget to say goodbye to my family” And then kissed and hugged us all. Little did we know this goodbye would be forever. Jeff left in the car at about 6:15 am. The kids and I left the house at about 6:50. When we all got situated in the van and started driving I realized that the roads were slippery, and Jeff always calls me when it’s slippery, so I called his cell. Twice. We were about 1.5 miles from home when we had to stop because the road was closed. I called Jeff’s cell again, then I called his work to see if he was already there. He wasn’t. We waited in the van for the accident to be cleared. An ambulance drove by us. After a bit we noticed someone from the road crew was walking to each car, when he got to ours and told us that the road would be closed for hours. I got out of the van and asked him if the accident involved a red intrepid with Minnesota plates. At this point I figured Jeff was either caught up in the accident or he was helping with the accident, he was a trained firefighter. I was waiting outside the van so the kids wouldn’t hear me when the officer came over to me and told me that yes, Jeff’s car was in the accident and he was taken to the hospital (in the ambulance that passed us) The office told me it was serious, very serious. I asked him if Jeff was alive when they put him in the ambulance. The officer told me that he wasn’t sure, and handed me Jeff’s wallet. All five kids were still in the van, I had to tell them that their dad was hurt and on his way to the hospital. There were lots of questions from the kids, questions I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know. I called Jeff’s mom and told her she needed to come. I called my sister and told her. And I called Jeff’s work and told them he wouldn’t be in today because there had been an accident. I called my friend and asked her to meet me at the hospital to help with the kids. I didn’t know what to expect. The officer wouldn’t let me drive, he wouldn’t let me leave, he wouldn’t let me go to Jeff. He made me wait for another officer to get to the scene and drive me and the kids to the hospital. At that point I hated The officer.
It’s been 8 days since the accident. 8 days since I kissed him. 8 days since he’s been here. I miss him. The kids miss him, they keep asking questions, I keep telling them that daddy loves them. I don’t know how to explain to a 3yr old her daddy is not ever coming back.
It’s been snowing here, alot. We’re supose to get a ton of snow here today. I’m not driving into town. I’m scared.
Ben and Joe went out in the woods yesterday, they were gone for almost 4 hours. I freaked out and called the police. They came back while I was on the phone. I wasn’t sure if I was over-reacting. I feel so out-of-sync. I feel as if I can’t trust my own judgement. And that worries me.
I made the decision to go and see the car. I’m not sure if it was the right decision but I think I need that closure. I haven’t been able to let the car “go”. I keep sending people back to the car. I think I need to say goodbye to it. I think I’ll go on Thurs or Fri.
I didn’t sleep last night. I am worried about the future. The people here have made it so I don’t have to worry about the next 7 months. But what about the next 7 years? I can’t earn enough to support 5 kids. I can’t afford a mortgage. The idea of going back to work scares me, I haven’t worked in 10 years. Jeff always wanted me home with the kids. I am torn, and worried, and anxious. I feel pressure to make a decision, I want to do what is best for the kids. The fact that my decision will be mostly financial kinda pisses me off, but without an income what are my options? This sucks. I keep waiting for jeff to tell me what to do.
It’s been 8 days since he died, but it feels like yesterday. I wish he was here. alive. and loving us.
Today has been an okay day. The kids all wanted to stay home from school (except Juli, of course) so we are having a lazy day. I’ve made some phone calls, combed my hair and opened the door for lots of strangers. People have been stopping by to offer condolances, cards and food. People I’ve never met until now. It’s too bad they couldn’t have known Jeff. It’s too bad that they didn’t know me before, I have changed so munch in a week. I have had to make decisions, and plans alone. I have to be responsible, I have to both mom and dad. and Jeff’s shoes a too big to fill. How can I be as good as him? How?
I’m scared of the kids, their grief is so raw. They get so sad, they get mad, and I don’t know how to help them. I can’t make them better. Mommies are supose to make things better, how do I fix this? How do I be their everything? How do I fill Jeff’s shoes? He was such a huge part of their little lives. The last thing he said to the kids that morning was “I would never forget to say goodbye to my family” then he gave them all kisses and hugs and left for work. I am so glad we have that but, he wasn’t supose to be saying good bye forever. He was just going to work. He was supose to call me and tell me the roads were bad. He wasn’t supose to die. He was supose be here for the kids, to help the boys become men. How do I do that? I can’t even start the chain saw. He left such huge shoes to fill. He left such a huge whole in all of our hearts. I feel empty with out him here. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t know how to be me, with out him. I hate this!
I don’t understand how things can be fine, even great, one day and then totally fucked up the next. We had plans, we had dreams, we had goals. We were planning Christmas. We were going to go to the movies on Saturday, instead we went to his funeral.
People have been so nice and helpful, strangers have stopped by our house to say that they are sorry, I’m sorry too. I don’t want to be a widow, I don’t want to be a widow with 5 young kids. When I read in the papers the articles talk about Jeff leaving behind his widow and 5 kids, and I feel sooo bad for them, then I realize that it’s ME they are talking about. If only I could rewind my life to last Tuesday. I want to be that person again. Not the widow with 5 young kids that I read about. I want my life back, I want my Jeff back.