I’m scared

I’m scared of the kids, their grief is so raw.  They get so sad, they get mad, and I don’t know how to help them.  I can’t make them better.  Mommies are supose to make things better, how do I fix this?  How do I be their everything?  How do I fill Jeff’s shoes?  He was such a huge part of their little lives.  The last thing he said to the kids that morning was “I would never forget to say goodbye to my family”  then he gave them all kisses and hugs and left for work.  I am so glad we have that but, he wasn’t supose to be saying good bye forever.  He was just going to work.  He was supose to call me and tell me the roads were bad.  He wasn’t supose to die.  He was supose be here for the kids, to help the boys become men.  How do I do that?  I can’t even start the chain saw.  He left such huge shoes to fill.  He left such a huge whole in all of our hearts.  I feel empty with out him here.  I don’t know how to go on.  I don’t know how to be me, with out him.  I hate this!

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7 responses to “I’m scared

  1. Laura, I lost my husband Sept. 20, 2005 , 49 days after being diagnosed with a horrible cancer.

    I so deeply feel and understand your pain, your anger, your indescribable sadness, your desolation, your disbelief; and what it’s like to not want to live anymore.

    I am so very sorry for your tragic, inconceivable loss. I want to tell you that it does become more bearable, but at the same time I so distinctly recall those who said it to me, and I did not believe them. No one is more surprised than I that it has become more bearable, that his death has become an integral part of who am I, just as his life and his love were. Not easier really, just not all-consuming.

    You and your children are in my heart.

    Vicki

  2. Laura, I lost my husband on September 2 to an aortic aneurysm. I can so relate to that feeling of ‘what the fuck?’– the planning you had been doing and now just having it all go to pot.

    I had never, ever, contemplated suicide before my husband died. But suddenly I understood how things could feel that bleak, that awful.

    I am still in the early, raw stages of grief. BUT, I will tell you that you will find a way to get through it. I can only tell you of my experience, because everyone’s is different. I KNOW that my son and I will be okay, but it’s the getting through that part that I dread and hate. How can I live without my husband? Who am I? With time, we will both figure it out. I know I’m rambling- sorry. Just know that I can unfortunately relate to your pain and despair. I’m so sorry about Jeff.

  3. Dear Laura,

    I came here from Tertia’s site. I was interested in the discussion about grieving and comforting. And now all I feel is a deep sadness. Yes, things can change that quickly. They should not!

    I am a mother of 2 boys. Next to losing one of them it would be the biggest tragedy to lose my husband.

    There are so many things being totally unfair. Things we can not prepare for. We make plans, we get children… I feel so sorry for your kids. And for you. There is nothing else I could say.

    Hope you have good friends around you (even if you have just moved there). Hope you will get through it. As well as your kids. Living in another part of the world what could I offer?

    Do not think of Jeff’s shoes today. It is hard enough to get through the days and nights. It is really breaking my heart. I will think of you!

    Take care,
    Geertje

  4. Laura,

    So very sorry for all that your family is going through. May you find peace and strength as you continue on… it must be so, so hard. My thoughts are with you, and your precious kids.

  5. Laura, I am so sorry.
    Not much to say beyond that, really. I am sorry.

    Somebody told me early on to remember to drink a lot of water. I thought it so odd at the time, but then I realized they were right– grief dehydrates you, wipes you out.

  6. Sweetie, I know we just left, but I miss you and the kids soooo much. My heart is with you! Just keep ur goal thing in mind…it will help! I Love You and the Kids! Anything you need just call. Lacey and I are getting some winter clothes and sweatshirts together to send to the kids soon. Take Care Sweetie! We’re all here for you!

  7. I came across this blog via SO CLOSE. I am so sorry. Please continue to hang on…you will make it.

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