Up and Down

Today has been an okay day.  The kids all wanted to stay home from school (except Juli, of course)  so we are having a lazy day.  I’ve made some phone calls, combed my hair and opened the door for lots of strangers.  People have been stopping by to offer condolances, cards and food.  People I’ve never met until now.  It’s too bad they couldn’t have known Jeff.  It’s too bad that they didn’t know me before, I have changed so munch in a week.  I have had to make decisions, and plans alone.  I have to be responsible, I have to both mom and dad.  and Jeff’s shoes a too big to fill.  How can I be as good as him?  How?

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7 responses to “Up and Down

  1. I am so so sorry for your loss. Be patient with yourself. Your Mama Bear will shine through. Eat, sleep and breathe when you can.

    Hugs from Arizona,

    cj

  2. The only assvice I have would be to take it one day at a time. They give this advice in recovery a lot, because it can seem overwhelming to be without whatever you enjoyed abusing for forever. So they’ll tell you to only try and make it through that day. And eventually it gets easier.
    I try to consider this whenever I find life overwhelming, and it does help get through. I hope it’ll help you get through today as well.

  3. Laura, It is safe to trust your own judgement, my dear. The good Lord does, or he would never have left you alone with the care of five children. HE must have needed Jeff in heaven very badly to have taken him at such a young age. My heart is sick with pain over his death. The only thing that gets me through is knowing what a loving and caring person you are. (Remember, I’ve known you since birth.) I think the kids are very lucky to have YOU for their mom. I do not doubt for one minute that you will take care of their pain, I just hope you will take care of your own too, honey. Please take the advise of CJ (above) and eat, sleep and breathe when you can. I love you all very much. Please take care.

  4. Laura- I am completely speechless. I won’t for one moment pretend like I can comprehend what you’re going through. All I can say is I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart. I really wish I could do more.

  5. Jeff’s shoes…

    Laura, I had to have a look how you are doing. I wish I could be of any help.

    You will not be able to be both, Mom and Dad. You can not wear two pairs of shoes the same time. Noone can. I understand you would like to compensate (at least for the kids). But do not expect that from yourself. If you are the best Laura and Mom that you can be – this is just great. Hopefully there will be friends, especially male friends (and uncles, grandfathers, teachers etc.) that can be mentors for your kids. No doubt – Jeff was supposed to be their mentor. And your friend/lover. But perhaps others can be in place for him. Let them help you. Your burden is much havier now but I do hope that there are people who will carry a huge part of it.

    Take care,
    Geertje

  6. Laura, I just want to mention something that happend to us when we got back to your moms. We pulled into her driveway, and as she and Sissy walked into the garage, I looked up and saw a pure white dove sitting on the light fixture on the outside of the garage. Its not everyday you seen a pure white dove in Minnesota. We were so suprised. The Dove flew down onto Joeys Explorer and onto your moms roof. It was almost like it was tame.
    I believe that dove was there for a reason. I believe that Jeff is watching over you and your family, and that God is with you also. In my mind that dove was also there as a sign to us that everything is going to be okay…your gonna be okay. I just thought in some small way, this might give you some comfort. You are all in my heart everyday! Love You!

  7. Laura, I Love You!! I’m here for you always! Call me collect anytime you need to talk. Remember, Kids are resilient, they will survive. I’m worried about YOU! Focus on the kids and take care of yourself. Love, Carol

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