Day 8

It’s been 8 days since the accident.  8 days since I kissed him.  8 days since he’s been here.  I miss him.  The kids miss him, they keep asking questions, I keep telling them that daddy loves them.  I don’t know how to explain to a 3yr old her daddy is not ever coming back.

It’s been snowing here, alot.  We’re supose to get a ton of snow here today.  I’m not driving into town.  I’m scared. 

Ben and Joe went out in the woods yesterday, they were gone for almost 4 hours.  I freaked out and called the police.  They came back while I was on the phone.  I wasn’t sure if I was over-reacting.  I feel so out-of-sync.  I feel as if I can’t trust my own judgement.  And that worries me. 

I made the decision to go and see the car.  I’m not sure if it was the right decision but I think I need that closure.  I haven’t been able to let the car “go”.  I keep sending people back to the car.  I think I need to say goodbye to it.  I think I’ll go on Thurs or Fri.

I didn’t sleep last night.  I am worried about the future.  The people here have made it so I don’t have to worry about the next 7 months.  But what about the next 7 years?  I can’t earn enough to support 5 kids.  I can’t afford a mortgage.  The idea of going back to work scares me, I haven’t worked in 10 years.  Jeff always wanted me home with the kids.  I am torn, and worried, and anxious.  I feel pressure to make a decision, I want to do what is best for the kids.  The fact that my decision will be mostly financial kinda pisses me off, but without an income what are my options?  This sucks.  I keep waiting for jeff to tell me what to do. 

It’s been 8 days since he died, but it feels like yesterday.  I wish he was here.  alive.  and loving us.

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5 responses to “Day 8

  1. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just worry about your health and grieve right now. You’ll have plenty of time a few months from now to figure the money stuff.

  2. Do Not Stand At My Grave

    Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there, I do not sleep
    I am a 1,000 winds that blow
    I am the diamond glints on snow
    I am the sun on ripened grain
    I am the gentle autumn rain
    When you awaken in the morning’s hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circled light
    I am the soft star that shines at night
    Do not stand at my grave and cry
    I am not there; I did not die.

    ~Anonymous

  3. Laura,

    i linked through from a comment you left at Tertia’s blog…and found out what’s just happened to your family. your shock – and your love for Jeff – comes through in every word.

    i don’t have any words of wisdom, just of caring, from somebody far away who’s thinking of you. just wanted to say i am so, so sorry, for you and for the kids, and for the rough walk ahead of you as you find your way.

    be gentle with yourselves.

  4. Oh Laura…
    take it slow, darling. You don’t need to make any decisions right now. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

  5. Hey! Toughen up Little Girl! You’re stronger than You Know. Focus on what’s important right now. We all love you and will be there for you always! You WILL get through this! Love, Auntie again. I’m watching you!

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