Monthly Archives: December 2007

I am a good mom

see here is proof:

We decorated cookies for santa.  Don’t tell Jeff we had frosting in the living room, he’d have a canary. 

We sprinkled reindeer food in the front yard.  The kids had a blast.  They promptly went right to bed, they know santa is coming to our house early this year.  Tonight.

After they went to bed mom got busy.  See what I did:

(all alone)  Look at the tree, under the angel, do you see who is smiling down on me?

Yep, it’s Jeff.  He’s been on our tree since we put it up.  The kids put him there.  I hate the fact that the only way my kids can have their dad on Christmas is to put the memory card from his funeral on the tree.  It’s so not fair.  I want my Jeff back.


Good Grief

Really, why is that even an expression?  Thanks alot Charlie Brown.  and Good Morning/mourning.  When people say good morning to me my thoughts automatically go to Jeff and not the time of day.  Every little thing reminds me of him.  everything, lately, makes me miss him more.  I am trying to stay positive, but I’m tired of that, it’s almost too much.  Getting dressed, somedays, is too much.  How in the hell am I supose to do this?  Everyday, every minute, every second I miss him.  I hurts.  Grief sucks.  Right now, I hate just about everything.  Right now, all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and not wake up until Christmas is over.  But, I can’t, I know that, but I still want to. 

Jeff, please give me the strenth to get through Christmas this year.

Hardest times

So far the hardest times to live with out Jeff are evenings and weekends.  Every night at about 5:30 I get sad.  Thats when he should be getting home from work.  When I realize he not going to be walking through that door I feel crushed.  I hate that.  He should be here.  Weekends are especally hard.  He spent so much of the weekend hanging out with the kids.  Now that he’s not here we all kind of walk around a little bit lost.  I feel like I should be doing more with the kids, but right now I can’t.  I wish he could be the “fun guy” again.  I wish The kids didn’t have to miss him so much.  I wish…..I wish so many things were different. 


on a scale from 1 to 10, yesterday was a big, fat OK.  All day long I kept picturing how the day would have been different if Jeff was still here.  Jeff always took such good care of me, he always made my birthday special.  Yesterday wasn’t special.  Yesterday wasn’t filled with love.  Many people tried to make it fun, and I am so grateful for them, but in reality, all I wanted was Jeff.  I tried to stay positive, I really did.  I tried to keep looking forward.  All I wanted was Jeff back.  All I thought about all day was Jeff.  I miss him, everyday, but especally Yesterday.  I wish I could have been stronger, but yesterday I couldn’t.  Today maybe I can.  or maybe, this wonderful holiday season, I’ll make my own season of loss, and grief, and “if onlys”.  I know that I need to “fake it” for the kids, but really all I want to do is curl up in a tight little ball and cry, with only me and Jeff’s pillow as witnesses.  All I want is Jeff.  Sometimes I think that only he can make me smile for real again.  Sometimes I think I can make it through this tunnel, other times I feel trapped in this tunnel.  But everyday, one step at a time, I will get closer.  It will get easier, I will smile again, for real.  In the mean time tho, This really freaking SUCKS!!!!!

It’s my Birthday

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.  I will TRY and have a good day.  I promise.  I’ll update again as soon as this day is done.  I miss Jeff, alot.

My Journey

One of the ways I see this is like a long, dark tunnel.  When Jeff first died my world went dark.  Everything that I knew was gone.  Taken from me in an instant.  I felt all alone in this dark strange place.  At first it felt like a hole but, as time went on I started to see a little glimmer of light, it was far away, but I saw it.  I knew then that it wasn’t a hole, but a tunnel.  With light at the end.  In this tunnel there are many little caves where you can stop and get lost in.  Caves that appear to be shortcuts to the end, to the light.  They are not.  They are distractions, sometimes they are good and other times they are bad.  Sometimes they are just spots to stop and rest before continuing on to the light, to the end of the tunnel.  I know that as long as I keep going forward, one step at a time that I will make it to the end.  Every step I take brings me closer.  As I get closer I can see more and more light.  That little bit of light makes my journey easier.  The better I am able to see, the better I feel.  When I feel better I can take bigger steps.  And bigger steps bring me closer and closer.  Soon enough I know I will be back in the light, where I can see things clearly, where I know that I will be okay.  There is no guarantee that when I make through the tunnel that there will always be light.  I am realistic, I know that at any time a cloud may come and darken my world again, but a cloud floats on by, it never stays too long.   Jeff was one of the most important things in my life.  And this is one of the hardest journeys I will ever have to make, but I will, for him and for me and for the kids.

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