Today sucked

Everything I did today reminded me that he was gone, forever.  I spent so much time crying today.  I hate this.  It’s just not right.  He should be here.  I don’t know how I’m supose to “get through” this.  Right now each day gets harder and harder.  For me and the kids.  Juli is upstairs crying right now because she misses her daddy too much.  How do I make that better?  How do we cope?  I can “get through” each day, but I want to be happy again.  I want my life back, with Jeff.  I want the kids to be happy, I want them to have their dad.  I feel so alone, and so lonely, something is missing, there is a huge hole in our family, the place where Jeff used to be is empty.  I know I can “get through” this, I just really don’t want to. 

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10 responses to “Today sucked

  1. I linked here from Tertia’s site just a couple of days after it happened. I am so very, very sorry. I lost a baby, so I know something about grief, but I did not lose my husband – with five children to raise on my own. You are right – it does suck. I hope that does not offend you for me to say that, but I really want to acknowledge your grief and your pain. I am so, so very sorry this has happened to you. I read your blog everyday to see how you are doing that day. I think about you everyday, many times a day. And I pray for you and your family every day, as well.
    While I did not lose my husband, I will tell you what I know about grief so intense that it is the first thing you think about from the minute you wake up and the last thing you think about before you fall asleep. Right now all you are supposed to do is get through it. My counselor says, just work on getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. And getting through it takes all the energy and faith and ability that you have. But you will get through it – if only for your children’s sake, you will get through it. And some day, probably many weeks from now, you will feel happy. I promise you this. At first, you will only feel happy for a few minutes at a time. And you will be amazed when you realize that you are feeling happy – it will be foreign to you by then. And you will probably feel guilty for feeling happy, even if only for a few minutes. (But you should not feel guilty at all, because I feel 100% certain that your husband wants you to feel happy again and will not be upset the day that you do). Anyway, then one day, you will realize that you have been happy for an hour. Again, you will feel such surprise that this is happening. And finally, this will start to happen more and more often. You will never have a day that you do not think about your husband and how sad you are that he is gone. You will never have a day that you do not miss him and wish that he were back. But there will eventually be days that you do not think about it ALL day long. And I can promise you this – you will be happy again. You will probably not be happy all the time, but you will be happy. I know it will take a long time, and I know it looks too far away right now, but it will happen again. I can tell you this because of what I have read of your blog before your husband died. You seemed to be a happy person to start with. And your family was so full of life and happiness. And I think that it will be again. Maybe choosing to believe that you will be happy again, even if you cannot imagine it right now, will let you set that worry aside and just continue focusing on getting through this. Because although you say that you don’t want to “get through” it, I know that you do – because your children need you to, and because you are still a mother no matter what happens.
    Finally, my grief counselor recommended a book this week – you may find it helpful, you may not, but it is called “Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again”. I have not yet started it, but she said it was the best book about grief that she read after her husband died 12 years ago. (And she says she read a hundred of them.)
    I will continue to check on you and pray for you. It seems from reading other comments, that you have wonderful family and friends. I am so glad for you for this.
    May God bless you and hold you every minute of every day. Shellie

  2. Laura, We love you and the kids so much! Please know that we are here for you if you need us at anytime!

  3. Hi, It’s Mom,
    I keep missind your calls. I did get the message about the package. Things will get better so do one day. I wish so bad that you were here so we good help you and the kids. Come for x-mas soon. We can all get thru the first holiday without Jeff. It won’t bee easy but the family really wants you and the kids here. See you soon.
    Love you all,
    Mom

  4. My heart breaks for you on so many levels. Grieving is something I seem to be perfecting. =(

    I lost my dad as a child, a teenager actually, and my mother took over five years to remember we, her children, were still around. Allow yourself to grieve, it is not something you have to get through. Grieving a loss this grand will take a lifetime. You will find different ways on different days through many different moments, but you will always grieve this loss. And it is okay not to get “through it.”

    now, if only I could follow my own advice-thinking of you.

  5. I hope it didn’t sound like I was suggesting that you not experience your grief – when I think of getting through it, I just mean getting from one day to the next. And I hope I didn’t sound preachy, I just feel so badly for what you are going through, and I wanted so much to do something for you from several thousand miles away – to hopefully offer some encouragement and hope during such a dark time.

  6. Hey hon! Have you thought about coming home a little earlier for Christmas? Maybe staying for a little longer than a week? Just wondering! Miss you lots!!

  7. I don’t know what to say, Laura. It breaks my heart every day when I think of you and your five kids without your husband. As a fellow mother of five I feel so STRONGLY that I want to do something, to be able to help in even the tiniest of ways, but I really can’t. My heart hurts, oh it hurts so bad for you. All I can say is I’m sorry and I think of you every day.

  8. Laura, I agree with Katie. You don’ have to get through it. You will always miss Jeff, as will we all. But someday you will come to terms with his loss. And the kids will too. It’s been 11 years since my Mother died { your Grandma Sally}, and I find myself crying at the damndest times. I miss her and sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get over her not being here. I’m crying now! I can still hear her voice! Everyone dies , Honey! It’s us that are still living that suffer. Those that are gone feel no more pain or suffering. GOD has promised us that! I love you guys, and hope that you will be okay. L0ve, A. Carol

  9. Laura, you’ll never forget about Jeff…he lives on in each and everyone of you. You’ll forever be honoring Jeff for the strong impact he’s had our your lives.

  10. Laura, I won’t presume to know exactly what you are feeling, but having lost my husband suddenly 3 months ago, I can hazard a guess.

    And Shellie is right- I have glimpses, even now, where I am happy. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss Josh with all my heart- I do. I think of him first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and honestly, most every moment in between. But I have brief periods where I am with my son and it feels… okay. Like, I can do this. And then it will go away and I feel like utter crap again, and I rail and scream and hate that Josh is gone. But I am hopeful, because I know if I can feel at peace for one moment that there will be more moments to come.

    You are in my thoughts.

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