on a scale from 1 to 10, yesterday was a big, fat OK.  All day long I kept picturing how the day would have been different if Jeff was still here.  Jeff always took such good care of me, he always made my birthday special.  Yesterday wasn’t special.  Yesterday wasn’t filled with love.  Many people tried to make it fun, and I am so grateful for them, but in reality, all I wanted was Jeff.  I tried to stay positive, I really did.  I tried to keep looking forward.  All I wanted was Jeff back.  All I thought about all day was Jeff.  I miss him, everyday, but especally Yesterday.  I wish I could have been stronger, but yesterday I couldn’t.  Today maybe I can.  or maybe, this wonderful holiday season, I’ll make my own season of loss, and grief, and “if onlys”.  I know that I need to “fake it” for the kids, but really all I want to do is curl up in a tight little ball and cry, with only me and Jeff’s pillow as witnesses.  All I want is Jeff.  Sometimes I think that only he can make me smile for real again.  Sometimes I think I can make it through this tunnel, other times I feel trapped in this tunnel.  But everyday, one step at a time, I will get closer.  It will get easier, I will smile again, for real.  In the mean time tho, This really freaking SUCKS!!!!!

4 responses to “Yesterday….

  1. Laura,
    Breath in, Breath out. One foot in front of the other. One of my favorite quotes,” When you feel like you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Just hang on Laura. You will find joy again. Nothing will be the same but you will find happiness, joy and laughter. I know that all you want is Jeff and he is the one that you would normally turn to when you are down and hurt. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you right now. We love you!
    Jen Simonson

  2. I can’t even imagine how you feel. Perhaps the memories of Jeff will comfort you. Knowing that he will live forever in your heart and in your memories. I can’t believe how strong you are. You are an amazingly brave woman! I Love You!

  3. Aww honey. You’re right, it does really suck. And you know, it really is ok to have days where you’re really feeling that. And I think it’s ok sometimes if the kids see that, too. They know you love them, and you’re doing an awesome job taking care of them. I don’t know if it does anyone any good for you to “fake it” all the time- but I bet that gets pretty exhausting.

  4. holding your hand…

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