Monthly Archives: January 2008

Three little words…

It’s funny (in a strange way) how three little words can have such a huge impact.  Three little words, alone the words are fine, but together made me cry.

Multiple   Tramatic    Injuries

on the line labeled:  Cause   of   death

I had to pick up the insurance form from the coroner today, he had to fill out the cause of death, I actually felt my heart stop when I read those words.  Multiple Tramatic Injuries.  Not compatible with life.  Yes, of course I knew why he died, I knew his cause of death, but I had never seen it written down.  Three simple words, words the coroner probably writes daily.  Those words broke my heart.  The whole way home from town all I could focus on was Multiple Tramatic Injuries.  While we were driving a song came on the radio, that stupid song from Robinhood, Everything I do, I do it for you.  I love that song.  I sang that song and I cried my eyes out while driving.  Multiple Tramatic Injuries.  I was talking on the phone once we got home, I couldn’t complete sentances, all I could think of was Multiple Tramatic Injuries.

So my dear blog, my outlet, my free therapy, together we are going to help me get past those 3 damn words.  Lets disect them one by one.

We’ll start at the end, Injuries.  Not a bad word, injure, hurt.  Not soo tuff.  Everyone has been injured at one point or another.  and everyone has been hurt.  I can handle that.

Tramatic, not so nice.  It rhymes with dramatic, dramatic is a cool word.  Tramatic is kind of dramatic.  So see Tramatic, isn’t so scary

Multiple is not scary, in fact, multiple is usually a good thing.

So alone the words aren’t so bad.  I’m feeling better already.  Lets mix ’em up a bit.

Multiple injuries sounds sucky, tramatic injuries sounds sucky too.  nevermind lets skip this step….

So… we have multiple tramatic injuries, but that’s way better then Multiple victoms of multiple tramatic injuries, which could have happened.  The kids and I had left the house about 20 mins after Jeff.  If we wouldn’t have been stopped because of the accident, we could have easily been the ones in the accident, we could have been Multiple victoms of multiple tramatic injuries.  Jeff saved us.  and then we go back to that damn song:

Look into my eyes – you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart – search your soul
And when you find me there you’ll search no more

Don’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for
You can’t tell me it’s not worth dyin’ for
You know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

Look into your heart – you will find
There’s nothin’ there to hide
Take me as I am – take my life
I would give it all – I would sacrifice

Don’t tell me it’s not worth fightin’ for
I can’t help it – there’s nothin’ I want more
Ya know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

There’s no love – like your love
And no other – could give more love
There’s nowhere – unless you’re there
All the time – all the way

Oh – you can’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for
I can’t help it – there’s nothin’ I want more
I would fight for you – I’d lie for you
Walk the wire for you – ya I’d die for you

Ya know it’s true
Everything I do – I do it for you

I feel better, how about you?  Three little words, with no more power to hurt me.  Scary feelings replaced with gratitude, thankfullness.  Three little words that now mean:

I LOVE YOU

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to hear those words once again…..

Gratitude

This post is number 100.  I can’t belive all that has happened in only 100 posts.  I wanted to write something really cool for post number ONE HUNDRED.  So here goes….

It’s all about YOU!

I can’t believe all of the wonderful support I have gotten from you, you guys have saved me some days.  You’ve made me smile, you’ve made me feel special, you’ve made bad days better.  You are important to me.  Thank you all so much!!  You guys ROCK!!

Pep-talk

What I have:

I have great kids (well most of the time)

I have great friends (only a phone call away)

I have great family (most of the time 8))

The in-laws are pretty great too

I have an open mind, I can accept what is given to me

I have faith that things will work out (even if it’s not “my” plan)

I have lots of junk food (keeps the kids busy)

I have an understanding of death that brings me peace

I have an acceptance of death (only because I have no choice)

I have pretty fast internet

I have a wonderful fantacy life that I can visit whenever I want

I have fantastic memories

I have loved and been loved

I have a warped sense of humor, I crack myself up at times

I have the ability to be responsible and act like a grwn-up (even if I don’t wanna)

I have lots of upper torso strenth (thanks to splitting wood)

I have very creative housekeeping skills (LOL)

I have the best excuse to be lazy and not get out of bed (although my kids don’t care)

I have hope

I have a nice ass (I may need that later)

I have people who care about me

I have the coolest angel watching over me (even if he tells me what to do)

See, I have no reason to wallow in self pity.  I’m gonna put on my big girl panties and kick some butt.  No more mopey and whiney.  (well, maybe…remind me tomorrow)

some, but not enough

I had this great and inspiring post all thought up, but now, if I wrote it out I’d be lying.  We’ll have to save that one for another day.  as for today, I am so blah.  It’s my own dang fault, I should know by now that staying up way too late is a bad idea when I know my kids get up way to early.  And what’s worse is they get up all happy and gigglely.  Who in their right mind wakes up at 5am happy???  My kids are crazy. 

Right now I have a roast in the oven….for real.  I also have tons of stuff to make panini sandwitches.  It’s variety night.  I’ll bethcha someone still complains about supper.

Enough for now, Yawn…..

I don’t wanna…

I just don’t wanna.

I slept on clean sheets last night, but I didn’t wanna

I cooked supper all last week, but I didn’t wanna

I promised the kids I’d “try” and bring them to school next week, but I don’t wanna

I have to do everything all by myself even tho, I don’t wanna

I have to be mature and responsible, and I don’t wanna (can you tell?)

*pout*

I am sick of everything!  I wanna do things I wanna do. 

I wanna sleep for 8 hours a night and not be woken up to blaring gospel music at 6am (thank you Sam and Juli)

I wanna lay in bed and read all day.  Under the covers.

I wanna be taken care of.

I wanna stop worring.

I wanna have fun.  Real fun, not “laura pretending to have fun” kind of fun.

I wanna be with Jeff.

I’m a brat today, sorry.

Safty dance

I hate weekends now that Jeff is gone.  Weekends are for families, and our family is broken, weekends make that fact really obvious to me.  I miss him.

I brought the kids into town today (40 min drive one-way) for some retail therapy  Bribes family bonding.  It was good, they all were reasonably well behaved (of coarse it cost me) and they were all pretty happy to get out of the house. 

While we were driving home a song came on the radio, Ben yells from the back seat, “hey dad loves this song”  It was that stupid Safty Dance song.  The boys informed me we should’ve played that song at the funeral.  Really loud.  I asked “why?”  They said “don’t you think it would have lightened the mood?”  Ummm….No.  Gotta love ’em. 

 And the highlight of the day:  I bought new BED SHEETS!!  Yay for me.  Now all I have to do is put them on the bed.  IthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcan.  Choo choo.

in an instant

It’s funny how you can live everyday and “just exist”.  Have good times and bad.  How you can consider yourself happy with where you are in life and happy with who you are sharing your life with.  I’m not talking about those fantastic love stories, I mean just the everyday kind of love, the kind of love where you can throw eachothers underware in the washer and not feel embarassed.  The kind of love where morning breath doesen’t matter.  That kind of love where you’ve had the ups and down and made it through, and are proud.  That content kind of love, love you can count on.

 And then in one instant everything changes.  My life has changed.  My world is different.  Things that mattered before, don’t matter anymore.  Whenever I see something cool I think “I’ve got to tell Jeff this”  Whenever the kids are being especally cute, instead on smiling or laughing, I get sad, because Jeff isn’t able to share these moments with me.  He was the only other person who loved these kids as much as I do, he was the only other person who had a personal interest in the success of these kids.  He is missing out on so much.  The kids have lost soo much.  I am missing him so much.

 It seems like everyday I get further and further away from him.  Each step I take towards healing is a step away from our last days together.  I struggle with that everyday.  No matter how brightly the sun is shining, in will never be as bright as when I shared that light with Jeff.  I miss him so much right now,

 On a happier note:  I’ll fill this in later, oh wait… I got it.  I have COOKED supper every day this week.  actually cooked, with pans, and a stove.  Then I had to do dishes, which sucked.  But hey, I cooked.