I have been really down lately.  I’m having a really hard time fighting my way back.  and I’m lazy, and it’s sooo much work to stay positive.  ( Wah, wah, wah..)  But I promised Jeff I would.  When I was picking out what he would wear to his funeral I stashed a note in is pocket.  In the note I promised him a bunch of things, things I am having trouble doing.  I wish things could be easier, actually I just wish I didn’t have to try so hard.  I can’t let him down, and I won’t.  After today I will go back to focusing on the positive, ant little positive I can find.  I promise, Jeff. 

Funny side note:  Ben was doing flips on my bed today and I said to him “stop it, your dad would be so mad.”  Ben replied “I know, that’s why I waited til he wasn’t looking”  I said “watch out because he sees everything now”  And Ben cameback with “yeah, but he can’t see everything all at once”  and flipped again.  I love kids.

There are so many things that I wish I would have gotten to say to him, there are so many things I wish we would have done together.  I really wish i would have appreciated him more.  It’s really true:  You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  I miss him so much.  There are times when it almost seems impossible that he is gone, and other times when it’s so painfully obvious that he isn’t here.  I hate this!

I told Sally that when she is sleeping daddy angel sneaks in and kisses her.  I hope that is true, and I hope he sneaks in and gives me a kiss tonight too.  I really need it.

6 responses to “Regrets…

  1. Laura,

    I am still reading every day – just checking in on you, even when I don’t comment. But I just couldn’t watch you struggle and not try to say something.
    First of all, I wonder if you should talk to your doctor about increasing your dosage of your Zoloft. I promise I am not one who says drugs should solve everything, but I just think they could help you get through the intensity of these first few months. And maybe a little more would help you some. You are carrying so much right now, and it is not surprising that you might need a little extra help. Just a thought.
    I also continue to think it would be great for you to get to see a counselor. Even just once every few weeks might help you feel better and more “normal” – that is, help you feel like what you are feeling right now is “normal”. Not that what you are going through could ever be described as normal. No one should have to go through what you are living through.
    And you should not have to focus on the positive. I guess you have to with your kids, at least some of the time, but you should have a place for your grief and depression every day. One of the things that you need to do for your grief is give it a place – you don’t have to be positive before you are ready. Having said that, finding something positive each day (in addition to being sad) might help you feel better. And I am sure you want to be positive for your kids, but probably it is good for them to see you sad some of the time.
    Finally, believe your own words – just as you told Ben that Jeff is seeing everything, I believe that he is hearing and seeing you, too. And I think he hears all the things you wish you had said to him. I know it isn’t the same as saying them in person, but I think it helps a lot to talk to the person as if they are still here. Probably not in the grocery store or out around town, unless you want to add to the reputation you may be getting after your visitor at the door the other day :), but you know what I mean. And you may already be doing this, but I think writing to him would be good for you. I know you do some of that here, but maybe you could say other things if you wrote just to him. I don’t know. The truth is, I don’t really know what to tell you that will really help you, except maybe I am so sorry, and I feel so badly for you.

  2. Your doing fine. My dad hates that word, what does that mean he’ll ask and I always say well it’s just something to tell people when you don’t want to go into detail because they wouldn’t care anyways. You keep talking and we’ll keep listening. Say what you want to say, Your kids love you, take care

  3. I hope you get many angel kisses and a couple of angel fondles too. ❤

  4. I stumbled across your blog. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but it has definitely made me reevaluate the priorities in my life. I’ve learned that I need to give more time to my family. Thanks, and good luck.

  5. Giant hugs to you. You’re kicking ass even if you don’t know it.

    Also, your Ben is totally cracking me up.

  6. Hi Laura,
    I have been reading your posts from the day you lost Jeff. You truly are an inspiartion. I lost my Dad when I was 9 years old. My Mom was absolutely devestated. It hasn’t been until years later that we really talked about it. As a child, i was really oblivious to the whole situation. My memories of my Dad dying consist of remembering my Mom being really really sad. I can remember lying outside her door while she slept to make sure she was ok. I remember hearing her cry at night but never during her time with us. I now think how much work that would have been to go through the motions everyday and try to have some normality. I am a Mom now with 2 kids and I line in Ontario. Now…I can only imagine how scared and sad she must have been. She lost her best friend and she was left to care for 2 kids on her own. She is a remarkable woman who is the strongest most intelligent woman I know. I am so blessed to have her as my Mom and my respect for what she went through in life continues to grow everyday. I told my Mom about you last week and her words were this….”she needs time to grieve and time to realize that life is now taking you into a totally different direction and terrain. She said it took her a very long time to feel like herself again and she says she remembers the day that she actually wanted to open the curtains on the window. She said she never beleived it would happen………..but it eventually did. I am rooting for you. You have an amazing family and you can tell that the love you and Jeff had was probably more then most people experience in a lifetime. Take care.

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