in an instant

It’s funny how you can live everyday and “just exist”.  Have good times and bad.  How you can consider yourself happy with where you are in life and happy with who you are sharing your life with.  I’m not talking about those fantastic love stories, I mean just the everyday kind of love, the kind of love where you can throw eachothers underware in the washer and not feel embarassed.  The kind of love where morning breath doesen’t matter.  That kind of love where you’ve had the ups and down and made it through, and are proud.  That content kind of love, love you can count on.

 And then in one instant everything changes.  My life has changed.  My world is different.  Things that mattered before, don’t matter anymore.  Whenever I see something cool I think “I’ve got to tell Jeff this”  Whenever the kids are being especally cute, instead on smiling or laughing, I get sad, because Jeff isn’t able to share these moments with me.  He was the only other person who loved these kids as much as I do, he was the only other person who had a personal interest in the success of these kids.  He is missing out on so much.  The kids have lost soo much.  I am missing him so much.

 It seems like everyday I get further and further away from him.  Each step I take towards healing is a step away from our last days together.  I struggle with that everyday.  No matter how brightly the sun is shining, in will never be as bright as when I shared that light with Jeff.  I miss him so much right now,

 On a happier note:  I’ll fill this in later, oh wait… I got it.  I have COOKED supper every day this week.  actually cooked, with pans, and a stove.  Then I had to do dishes, which sucked.  But hey, I cooked.

5 responses to “in an instant

  1. You are not moving farther away from him and your life together, more like begining to learn a new dance with a much different tune. It will take time to learn the steps and be able to hum along to the melody.
    Now, for the second dilemma…I’m afraid you may have done the unspeakable by cooking real food every night. Now what in the world will you do if they actually start to expect it? You may have just blown it for mom’s everywhere! HA! Pots, pans, and a stove, not to mention the pie! Please, surely there is some kind of medicine for this new sickness….

  2. I haven’t even used real pots and pans this week.
    You must really have your wits about you.

  3. I’m with moosh.

    Also, the line about sharing the sunlight? Made tear up. So beautiful, yet so heartbreaking.

    Giant hugs to you.

  4. I was excited this week when I cleaned out a cabinet (LONG overdue) and remembered that we have a bread machine. I’m sure the novelty will wear off again soon, but we’ve had two fresh loaves of bread in the past 3 days. Good for you making dinner. We’ve had many cereal nights. Yeah, the dishes part stinks. That’s so great you made the pie yesterday, and what a neat son you have. You made me smile.

    I don’t know what to say, but in my faith, I believe you will be with Jeff again one day. In the meantime, I’m sure you make him proud and happy every day just by doing what you can – whatever it may be for that particular day – and loving those beautiful kids that so clearly love you.

  5. I know EXACTLY what you mean, unfortunately.

    I am also really struggling with being one day further from Josh- if I have a good day, does that mean I am forgetting him? I’m trying so hard to pound the following way of thinking about it into my head:

    I can not ‘forget’ him, or ‘let him go’. Everything I do is related to him. I am not the same person I was when we met; therefore, whatever I do now, I carry that piece of him with me. Continuing to live, raising our son, I do with the knowledge and humor that he gave me. I know it’s what he would want for me, for us, and so I try very hard to honor that. At the same time, it is so very hard not to feel further and further from him.

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