I’m starting to pack, it’s overwhelming. There is so much stuff, stuff that usually would mean nothing, now means something. It’s weird. I know Jeff will be coming with us, but it still feels like I’m leaving him here. I’ve been going through his stuff, I can’t make myself get rid of his things. I found some old family movies, one was from when he read to Juli’s second grade class. It was soo cute, he dressed like a duck and juggled eggs. Juli, Sam and Sally sat and watched the whole thing, it was almost like Jeff was reading to them again. I am so glad I have these things.
On the Minnesota front… from what I hear my house is coming along beautifully and many people have told me it will be just perfect for our new little family. I really think I need this fresh start. I am almost getting excited. I really just want to snap my fingers and have it be April, I would love to avoid all this work. It’s nuts.
I think my future is getting brighter, I hope soon to bask in the sun.
About a week ago, I had a dream. In this dream Jeff and I were talking near a pond. It was in the woods, it was cool and kind of dark. We were talking and laughing about the kids. After a while he told me he had to go, and I was sad. He told me to knock it off, he told me that he couldn’t come back no matter how much he or I wanted him to. I cried and tried to convince him to come back. Then he yelled at me, and told me that it was impossible for him to come back. When I woke up I was kinda pissed at him. Then I thought about it some more and realized that he was only trying to make me face reality. He was actually doing me a favor(in a weird sort of way). Now I feel like I have more control of my life. I feel more sure of my decisions. I feel more centered.
It’s kind of weird how things happen, things that shouldn’t happen, happen anyways. I’m not exactly sure what why or how these things happen. I can’t change what happens, but I do have faith that things do happen for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason is. We have to accept the things we can not change.
I am so grateful for the friends that I have. Really, with out friends I don’t know how I would have managed as well as I have. I also think it’s pretty cool that I consider most of my family friends. People that you can count on are priceless. I also love how each friend provides something different. Some friends give good advice, some friends make you laugh, some friends are patient when you whine to them for hours, and some friends just make you feel special. Thank you to all of my friends.
Friends are just a phone call away, even imaginary ones, says Sally
These last few days I have begun to really see how truly blessed I am. I have realized that I’m not just “that poor young widow with 5 small children” I am still me, maybe not the exact same me, but still ME. I have missed ME. I am glad to be back. Thank you to my friends for helping me find ME again. I love you all. You guys ROCK!
Instead of being sad because of what I lost, I’ll be happy for what I had. I’m sick of being sad. I am going to be happy. I’m going to embrace what “good” I have have and focus on that. I can’t change the past, no matter how hard I try, but I can affect my today and my tomorrow. And I will.
As of last Wednesday it has been 3 months. All of the experienced widows I know say that 3 months and 6 months are the hardest. I survived 3 months, so that gives me hope. I hate this. I really wish Tuesdays could just be Tuesdays and that the 20th could just be the 20th.
On Tuesday I went and picked out the cemetary marker. It’s exactly what I was hoping for. The stone is a beautiful green color, almost the exact same color as his eyes. He used to hate it when I’d always encourage him to wear green. Now he’ll be stuck with green forever, I did make sure that the writing on the stone was black and the vases on the marker are black, I figured I’d compromise. I’m such a nice girl…
I have been working hard to push myself from this rut. Okay, I’ve just been napping alot. No really, I have been looking all over for positives, I have found a few. I’m trying really hard to get excited about the move, mostly tho, because I need the kids to be excited. Excited, happy kids are way easier to deal with then grumpy miserable kids. I figure too, the longer I fake happy, the more I’ll be forced to feel happy.
And I’ll leave you with this little tid bit of cool information:
There are no words that rhyme with orange, purple, silver and month. This is what I do instead of sleeping at night. I thought to myself “hmm.. I’ve been trying to rhyme these colors for a month. Month.. Month… Hey there is nothing that rhymes with month either.” That’s when I got up out of bed and got myself a glass of wine.
And just when you think things can’t get much worse…
We store fire wood in the “wood room” which is a room in the basement. We or I also split wood in the wood room. Today I went down to do my daily wood splitting and the floor was soaked, it also stunk. I thought “hmmm….I wonder if I really want to know” At that time I decided I didn’t, so I started splitting wood. It was difficult to do with all the puddles on the floor, every time I split a log, half would go flying into a puddle and splash, then I’d have to fish it out. Lovely. I then decided to roll up my jammies and take a closer look. I placed logs so I could stand on them and keep my feet dry. After moving a ton of logs, I discovered the problem.
THE FREAKING SEWAGE PIPE WAS LEAKING
So now I have sewage spilling out and making puddles all over and tons of logs soaking up said sewage. Have you ever tried to split a sewage soaked log? Don’t. Dis-cuss-ting.
I did what any young, inexperienced widow would do: I got the duct tape. Tah-Dah!! No more leaking sewage! I haven’t quite figured out what to do with all the sewage soaked logs, but we’ll solve that problem later. I’ve reached my stress level quota for the day.
I really don’t want to leave you with such a gross image so here:
This pic makes me soo thirsty. I love it!