It’s been a while.

I still haven’t found the sun yet.  It seems to me like things are getting harder and harder.  There are so many things that need my attention, too many things to keep on top of.  I feel like I am slowly sinking.  I’m not sure how to keep my head above water.  I’ve been trying to sit back and take things day by day, but thats hard.  I’m being pulled so many directions, but yet I don’t know what is important to me.  I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight.  I’m spending time doing stupid things when I should be focusing on bigger fish.

The kids are really exhausting me.  I can’t be the mom I used to be anymore.  I can’t be the mom I want to be alone.  I miss having the extra pair of hands and eyes.  I miss having help.  I can’t be both mom and dad to all five kids all at once.  I feel like I am letting them down.  They deserve more.  I have to work so hard to keep them all happy, in the process I end up making myself miserable.  I need a break.

We’ve decide that moving back to Minnesota is our best option.  I can’t say for sure it will be our forever place, but for now, it all I can do.  The kids are not happy about it, but they will be fine.  I’m not excited about the whole moving process.  This was supose to be our “happily ever after home”  We had so many hopes and dreams that centered around here.  So many bright spots, so much hope for the future.  I have to find new hopes and dreams, with out Jeff.  I don”t know if I can, I don’t know if I even want to.  I want my old life back, I don’t like this one.  I miss Jeff, so much.


13 responses to “It’s been a while.

  1. I was wondering where you were. I’ve missed your posts, but I understand. Life is hard when you have many kids and you have that extra pair of hands and eyes, and a lot hard alone. If you will have more help in Minnesota than that is where you should go. Family can be great for this kind of stuff but they can also be a pain.KWIM? I bet Minnesota has had the same winter as us. I’m in SW Wisconsin. We now have had over 80 in. of snow. Being a mom to my 7 hasn’t always been easy but you have to forgive your self sometimes for not doing what you think you should and take time for your self as well. still praying and sending hugs

  2. I am happy that you will have extra hands to help with the kids, and to hold you and love you as well. I wish for you so much; and I pray that you will have the strength to do what you need to do to get back in a place where you feel safe, loved, and cared for.

  3. Praying for you –

    Everyone needs support – emotional and physical – I wish I could give you a hug and send you out for a petticure or something, but hopefully the prayers and other support from the commenters here will help, too. I know that’s dumb – like a petticure would solve your pain, but sometimes the little good moments of relief can give you what you need to get through the bad ones, I think.

  4. I’ve been worried about you – I figured you were probably not able to post – either emotionally or physically. I am so sorry. My therapist, who I am seeing to deal with losing my daughter’s twin sister, says that what you are doing is looking for new “solutions”. (She wasn’t talking about you specifically, of course, but I am applying what she has told me to you..) Anyway, moving back to Minnesota may be one of the “solutions” you come up with to move forward. Not that it “solves” any of the really big issues – the loss of your husband, your partner, the father for your children – but that it provides a new way for you to move forward with life. And while it will likely be so hard you will want to give up at times, doing it may very well be a step forward for you. For probably some of the same reasons you are resisting it – your home right now is all about Jeff. Canada is his home country, this is the home you had hoped to build together in a new place, etc. I can imagine that leaving it will totally suck. Having said that, it seems like you are doing the right thing. If you can get help with your children and your life by moving back to Minnesota so that you don’t go crazy from this, it is probably the right thing.
    I am so sorry you are struggling so hard. And I am so sorry you may leave your home and some of your old dreams. Moving will likely (at least for a while) feel like a whole new loss. I am really feeling for you.
    As for mothering your children, I am blown away by you. Mostly just because you get out of bed (most of the time anyway :)) every day to be a mother to them. Anything beyond that is gravy. And just something to think about – having five of them may be keeping you from being the mother you want to be and providing them the kind of environment or experience you want to provide them without Jeff, but I know you know that having so many is also a blessing to them, too, even now. Even if they could never see or admit it. There are so many gifts that being in a family of that many children will provide – even with an exhausted mother. There are so many days when I wish my daughter had siblings.
    Hang in there – I hate to be cliched but that saying “keep on keeping on” comes to mind right now.
    There are people out there pulling for you that you don’t even know about.

  5. I happened across this while wandering through WordPress. I can’t imagine what inner resources of strength, honor, and determination it must require to lovingly and responsibly parent five children after the loss of your husband. So many lives to reconstruct … so much to do, such an impossibly huge burden to be given.

    It’s wonderful that your children will have each other … they’ll be able to give support to one another when your resources have run out. And I hope that your upcoming move, as difficult as it may be, will provide you with the help and support that you need for yourself.

    If the well-wishes of a complete stranger are of any use to you, please believe me, you have mine.

  6. Oh I am so glad that you are moving back home. I really do hope that that will be helpful. Being able to cry on the computer is all well and good- but nothing like being able to cry on the shoulders of family and friends. Hopefully they will be able to give you more of the comfort and help you need, and you’ll feel less desperately alone.

  7. Ohhhh, Laura …. ohhhhh….

    I read this earlier, and I couldn’t find the words. I’m still not sure I can … I know that I don’t have the words you want to hear.

    This is the hardest terriblest thing in the world, and it will probably be a very long time before you see the sun, and before you do … you’re going to see a whole lot of blackness. And yes, it IS going to get harder and harder.

    For a while, anyway. But then one day —

    you’ll realize that you are breathing,
    without gasping,
    you’ll realize that you are walking,
    without watching every footstep,
    you’ll realize that you are remembering,
    without weeping,
    you’ll realize that you are laughing,
    without aching,
    you’ll realize that you are seeing,
    … that the darkness is yielding to light.

    Until that day, do the only thing you can: Take a deep breath, and step gently into the next moment.

    — Alicia, holding you in her heart today

  8. oh Laura.
    I wish I could make things easier for you. I hope you will find support and love that you need in Minnesota.

    When will you be moving? Do you know, yet?

  9. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  10. Good thing your sewer started leaking, makes the happily ever after home much easier to leave behind, no?

  11. Even though my loss is a child and not a spouse, I can relate to your words and feeling in this post so much. Priorities almost seem silly now…(((Hugs))) and prayers to you in your search for the positive.

  12. It sounds like this move is going to be a very good thing for you. Another new chapter to your life with a bit more support that we all need. I hope it all goes well and the kids will adjust just fine I am sure. Hang in there.

  13. How many times have you heard “you are such a strong woman”, and know that on the inside you are not strong at all because you either cannot go to sleep or you cannot get up.

    Shared pain,

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