I still haven’t found the sun yet. It seems to me like things are getting harder and harder. There are so many things that need my attention, too many things to keep on top of. I feel like I am slowly sinking. I’m not sure how to keep my head above water. I’ve been trying to sit back and take things day by day, but thats hard. I’m being pulled so many directions, but yet I don’t know what is important to me. I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight. I’m spending time doing stupid things when I should be focusing on bigger fish.
The kids are really exhausting me. I can’t be the mom I used to be anymore. I can’t be the mom I want to be alone. I miss having the extra pair of hands and eyes. I miss having help. I can’t be both mom and dad to all five kids all at once. I feel like I am letting them down. They deserve more. I have to work so hard to keep them all happy, in the process I end up making myself miserable. I need a break.
We’ve decide that moving back to Minnesota is our best option. I can’t say for sure it will be our forever place, but for now, it all I can do. The kids are not happy about it, but they will be fine. I’m not excited about the whole moving process. This was supose to be our “happily ever after home” We had so many hopes and dreams that centered around here. So many bright spots, so much hope for the future. I have to find new hopes and dreams, with out Jeff. I don”t know if I can, I don’t know if I even want to. I want my old life back, I don’t like this one. I miss Jeff, so much.