Too Much

One of the many things that make this journey so hard are all of the ups and downs.  There are days, okay most days, where I am happy one minute and then crying the next, and this happens over and over again through out the day.  It happens for no reason what so ever, I can be driving and then all of the sudden there are tears rolling down my cheeks.  I can be on the phone and then all of the sudden I just can’t talk anymore.  I’m sure it is very hard to be my friend lately. 

I’m sure it’s even harder to be my kids.  They never can tell what kind of mood I’ll be in.  I feel incredibly guilty.  I can not be the parent I want to be right now.  I want my moods to be consistant.  It’s unfair they have to see me this way.  It’s not fair that my 13yr old son needs to take care of me.  He has been amazing, he’s been my rock, but what about him?  He still needs a mom.  He needs to be taken care of too (not that he’d admit it)  I think being together, and alone together has been good for us in general, but I wish it could be easier and more fun, especally for them.

The next few weeks are going to be hell.  It’s saying good bye to all of Jeff’s hopes and dreams.  It’s saying good bye to where we were happy.  It’s saying good bye to the last place he was.  It’s a major step into the future for us, while leaving him behind.  It’s not supose to happen like this.  It’s not supose to be this way, but it is.  I don’t have to like it, but I still have to do it.  And I will.  I promised Jeff I’d focus on the positives and I will.  Or at least I’ll try.  I


6 responses to “Too Much

  1. You are doing the best you can in a situation that you don’t want to, and shouldn’t have to, be in. And it sucks and I admire your strength. I will keep you in my thoughts as you make your move. I hate the cutting of the ties that were everything me and my husband and I’m sending you lots of hugs to let you know you are not alone.

  2. Laura, it is totally normal. Memories strike when you least expect it. You may not remember, but you could have thought about something then all of a sudden, you felt sad. I know exactly what you mean, I used to get like that after I have lost my grandfather. (I know, totally different from what you are going through) It has only been about 6 months ( I believe 6 months), give it time, I am sure your children understand. You all need to be taken care of, you need to be taken cared of. You can’t always be strong. It’s alright to grieve and to be upset. You are human after all.

    It has been almost 7 years since my grandfather died and my grandmother still misses him.

    You are doing a wonderful job with your kids. You are moving forward. Together, you all will get through this. Big hugs to you.

    Sorry for the long post.

  3. Laura, you don’t know me but I just want to encourage you to say “no” to the guilt. There is a season for everything, you can’t always be fun. From what you write, it seems you have fun whenever you can possibly manage. And don’t worry about your oldest son, helping you is healing for him. I’m sure he wouldn’t have it any other way. You love your kids, that comes out in every post, even when they throw noodles. Keep writing, keep venting, but kiss the guilt goodbye…..

  4. Laura,

    I’m still reading, every day, checking to see if you are still posting. And I am still praying and rooting for you. I have been so proud of you lately – proud for your happier days, proud of your sad and honest days, proud of your strong and brave days, and proud of your scared and unsure days. I’m proud of you for even trying to be the mom that you continue to be and the person that you are. I am proud of you for making this incredibly difficult decision to move and change your future. I grieve for you for the pain it will cause, but I pray and hope so fervently for the possibilities that change presents for you all. You are nothing short of amazing.

    I expect that you will have more of the same – maybe even more intensely – more sadness and more excitement as moving day draws nearer. I will be thinking of you everyday. And while I think you are doing an amazing job all on your own (and yes, I know it has been less than four months, not six), Katie (Ramblings of an Interrupted Mom), whose blog I think you still read, just today posted a huge list of natural approaches to reduce depression and anxiety. It is terrific. It has on it some things you have already thought of, some things that you are doing just because you have to, some things that are likely not possible because of having five kids, but it is worth reading. I was very happy to read it for myself, but my very next thought was I need to write Laura and send her to this. Anyway.

    Still thinking of you every day,

  5. Oops sorry… I missed calculated, big time. 😦

  6. laura, i’m still reading you too, i hope you don’t mind. you are doing remerkably well just to get up in the mornings, and just *look* at your packing!!
    sending you a truck load of hugs from new zealand
    kate X

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