One of the many things that make this journey so hard are all of the ups and downs. There are days, okay most days, where I am happy one minute and then crying the next, and this happens over and over again through out the day. It happens for no reason what so ever, I can be driving and then all of the sudden there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I can be on the phone and then all of the sudden I just can’t talk anymore. I’m sure it is very hard to be my friend lately.
I’m sure it’s even harder to be my kids. They never can tell what kind of mood I’ll be in. I feel incredibly guilty. I can not be the parent I want to be right now. I want my moods to be consistant. It’s unfair they have to see me this way. It’s not fair that my 13yr old son needs to take care of me. He has been amazing, he’s been my rock, but what about him? He still needs a mom. He needs to be taken care of too (not that he’d admit it) I think being together, and alone together has been good for us in general, but I wish it could be easier and more fun, especally for them.
The next few weeks are going to be hell. It’s saying good bye to all of Jeff’s hopes and dreams. It’s saying good bye to where we were happy. It’s saying good bye to the last place he was. It’s a major step into the future for us, while leaving him behind. It’s not supose to happen like this. It’s not supose to be this way, but it is. I don’t have to like it, but I still have to do it. And I will. I promised Jeff I’d focus on the positives and I will. Or at least I’ll try. I