It’s kind of interesting how throwing a temper tantrum can make things better.  No wonder my kids do it all the time.  I feel better today, I actually started feeling better last night.  I managed to get quite a bit accomplished.  I tried to convince myself that this was just the jungle I had to fight through before I could see the sun again.  I also discovered that even in the deep jungle there are small patches of sunshine.  And I found one, stopped and rested for a while and now I’m back to trudging through.  I will make it through the next two weeks, I will get everything packed and organized, and then I will enjoy being back with my family.  (then I can ditch the kids and finally get some “me” time)  April will be a month of new beginings.  April will bring us a new kind of normal.  April will be a month of changes. 

There are certain places here where we all feel so close to Jeff.  There are places here that hold soo many memories.  It will be hard for all of us to leave that behind.  It’s almost like we are leaving him behind.  The kids have felt that way too.  They keep asking if we are bringing “dad’s this or that”  My answer is always “yes, we are”  I still have his basket of dirty laundry, I am so tempted to just pack it, dirty.  I’m not sure what I will actually end up doing, that decison is on hold for the time being.  I did pack the dirty sheets already tho.  Shhh… don’t tell anyone. 

Every step I take is a step further away from him.  Sometimes I am proud of myself, sometimes I just cry.  I know this is what I HAVE to do, sometimes I just don’t like it.  But there are also times when I can be happy about it, sometimes I even look forward to it.  When I dream of Jeff, I get the feeling he approves.  He has told be I need to be happy.  He will always be with the kids and I no matter where we are. 

Focus on the positive, one day at a time.

4 responses to “okay…

  1. Yep, sometimes we need to have ourselves a little meltdown before we can calm down:-) Kinda like have a big ol rainsotrm before the sun comes back out.

    You’re doing good- I’m sure everything will be as ready as it can be when the time comes to move. You are one strong lady! Pat yourslef on the back for showing such strength and courage. And bake yourself a cake 😉

  2. Laura, I know you don’t know me, so sometimes I do feel strange offering advice. But, you say so much that moves me to speak, and inspires me in so many ways. Yes, a tantrum does help at times. I agree. If it were me, I’d pack the dirty laundry and sheets. Who cares – don’t even worry about it. It’s comforting, and you need and deserve that. And I do believe Jeff will be with you and the kids wherever you are. You are doing so great, even in the times when you feel you aren’t. You keep moving, you keep loving, and you just keep being. I’m in awe of you, and I keep reading your posts because you inspire me to notice and appreciate the little things – the simple joys. I’m glad you will get a break soon. I remember when my children were little – even with my husband there, I was SO TIRED – physically, emotionally EXHAUSTED. As much as you love them, and it is so clear how much you love and cherish your children, you still need a break. -A little time to re-charge. Hope you don’t mind me going on like this. Good luck with all the packing.

  3. I agree with the previous poster.. pack the dirty stuff… I would.. : ) It will be great when you go back home where your family is and then you can Finally be taken care of. I just wish, I got a chance to know you. You seem like a very cool person, and incredibly funny.

  4. I feel like Roz – it feels strange to be giving advice when I don’t know you, but whatever you do, I would pack the dirty laundry. In its own bag, by itself. If you decide later that it is an important step to wash it for your healing, you can always do it later, but you can’t go backwards, and the move will be enough changes. This is going to be kind of gross, but I trust you to understand – when I miscarried my first baby in my second trimester (and delivered him in the backseat of the car on the way to the hospital), I was going to get rid of the sweats I was wearing after I went home (yes, I did wash them right away!) and my husband convinced me not to. He said that I could always decide to later, but I couldn’t get them back if I changed my mind. And I am so glad I saved them – they are the only thing that touched my baby – I still have them years later. I’m sorry for the personal details, but save the laundry. You can always change your mind later!

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