Today it has been 4 months since I last kissed Jeff. 4 Months since I last heard his voice. 4 Months since I last heard “Love you” from him. In reality 4 months is such a little fraction of a lifetime, but to me, now, 4 months seems like 4-ever. So much has happened, so much has changed. So much is different. We are changed. Our lives have changed. I can see the differences in the kids, no kid should have to lose a parent so young. No kid should have to face the reality that they have had to.
I spend alot of time crying for what Jeff is missing out on. The little things that make me smile, he misses. He doesn’t get to tell them how proud of them he is. He can’t help Joe start fires in the garage (and on his hand). He isn’t here. There are times when we all “feel” him, but he’s not here. That is the reality of what we have to face. I think the little kids still hope he comes back. They miss Dad. They have lost so much.
I cry, I have pity parties for myself. It’s not fair that I am alone in putting the pieces of my life back together. It’s not fair I have to be the one to get up with the kids EVERYDAY (I’m soo tired). Every roll that he filled has been placed on my shoulders now. My shoulders are not that big. I can’t do everything, I can’t BE everything. That is the reality I live in everyday. Every night I go to bed thinking that there was something I should have done, or something I could have done better. I’m doing the best I can, it’s just that it’s never enough. I have accepted this. I know I can only do so much, but the kids deserve more. I shouldn’t have to carry this heavy load. It’s just not fair. Not fair at all. The only good thing in all of this is that I will learn so much. I will find out what works, I will totally find out exactly what I am capable of. It’s a challenge, but I think I’m up for it (most days, anyways). I’ve learned priorities. I know what is really important in life. I’ve learned how important friends are. I’ve learned to appreciate what I have, because you never know when it might be gone. Life is more then arguing over who does the dishes. I am a new person now. I will do the best that I can to make every day the best that I can. I will only focus on what is truely important.
This is what I have, I’ll make the best of it.
You should too.