It’s been 5 months and 7 days since Jeff died. I miss him, the kids miss him. Sometimes it still feels like a bad dream, a dream that I wish i could wake up from. I don’t know how to get back on track. Our lives have been so chaotic for the last 5 months and 7 days. All of us miss they way things used to be, the way things should be. I wish, oh how I wish, but no matter how much I wish, he is still not alive.
I need to find a way to put stability and order back into our lives. I think that once I can do this then things with the kids will settle down a bit. Once we have more of a routine, and schedule then I will feel better. Once we are not living out of boxes things will be easier.
I have to stop focusing on distractions and start actually doing the things that need to get done. I need to prioritize and stick with it. I need to make some lists, and actually do what is on the list. Once I do this, I will feel better. Once I get the big things out of the way, then I can have fun with the distractions. I need to work first, and then play.
I feel like I’ve hit a wall. All forward progress has stopped. I’ve been taking the easy way out for a while now. Avoiding the hard stuff. Covering up problems and issues. Dealing with only the easy things… I can’t do that anymore. I need to move forward again and that means dealing with the yucky stuff. Yuck… I don’t wanna. I’m going to have to put on my rubbers a slog through the crap. I’m going to have to find the ladder and climb these walls. But first I need a nap….
Why can’t things be simple? I am so sick of drama. I am so sick of all the emotional engery I have to use to deal with drama. I just want easy, simple, and fun. I want to be carefree again. I want to relax, I want to focus on what I want. I want to do what pleases me and is not just the “right” thing to do.
The kids started school yesterday. They all did well. Sam had a major melt down when I tried to leave him. I expected this, but I wasn’t prepared to listen to his screams all the way through the school. I wasn’t prepared to see marks in my arms from where he was holding on to me so tightly. Oh, it was soo hard to leave him. Today they all took the bus to school, hopefully they will all make it safely. Hopefully school today will be drama free.
I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I’m tired.
I ponder where I’ll be this time next year. I wonder what the future holds, sometimes, if I focus on what will be, the what is isn’t so tough to deal with. Other times, I realize how truely sucky this whole situation really is, and I wonder how in the hell I have made it as long as I have. I keep thinking that if the psych ward offered free childcare I would so be a patient, I’d be first in line, camped out on the sidewalk the night before opening. But alas, I am stuck in my own little sucky reality, for now.
I knew that certain “firsts” were going to be hard. I thought Christmas would be the hardest, I was wrong. There is only one thing worse than having to shop for your baby girl’s first big girl bike alone. That would be, watching her ride it for the first time. I really didn’t see much, I was too busy wiping my tears. It’s odd how it’s the seemingly innocent things that upset me the most.
Oh, and putting the sucking bike together by myself sucked too.
A good day!! Can you believe it? The moon and the stars must be aligned just perfect for me today. I had (for the most part) helpful and well-behaved kids, I got lots of work done, I successfully completed “man jobs” and I didn’t break a nail!! I feel like super girl today, and I love it! I even cooked. Roast chicken, mashed potatos, gravy, and corn, and I didn’t even use the microwave (because it’s still sitting on the kitchen floor). I even was able to EAT, it was YummY!!
The kids will start school on Thursday, I can’t wait and neither can they. I just have to find clothes for them to wear, and get them to actually sleep at night and then things would be even better.
I also felt like Jeff was with me today, and that was nice. I’ve missed him lately. I do know that he is pleased with me and what I have done. That makes me smile.
Soo… All in all…. So far, so good.
It’s odd that no matter how much you wish that things would just stay the same, they never do. When you wish that time would just stand still, it never does.
We are moved now, things are supose to start getting back on track, but which track? and where is this track? I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know where to start. How do I make things normal when I don’t know what that is anymore?
I had the weekend off, it was great, but it didn’t bring me the clairity I was hoping for, it didn’t bring me the peace I was hoping to find. I did manage to do lots of thinking. I realize the answers are not going to just fall into my lap, I am going to have to work hard to find them. and even after all that work, they still may not be the right answers.
I’ll find happier things to write about next time, I promise!
we are at the new house now. Last night was our first night here. It’s a nice house, I’ll make it work for us. It’s strange being alone. I do feel alone here, it’s not a bad alone, it’s just so alone. I feel like we left Jeff in Canada. It really does feel as if I closed one door and am peeking through a new one.
I have lots more to share and a bunch of funny stories. You’ll have to wait a bit for them tho… The natives have been very restless and I am completely outnumbered (and out of duct tape). Wish me luck!!