More whine anyone?

Why can’t things be simple?  I am so sick of drama.  I am so sick of all the emotional engery I have to use to deal with drama.  I just want easy, simple, and fun.  I want to be carefree again.  I want to relax, I want to focus on what I want.  I want to do what pleases me and is not just the “right” thing to do. 

The kids started school yesterday.  They all did well.  Sam had a major melt down when I tried to leave him.  I expected this, but I wasn’t prepared to listen to his screams all the way through the school.  I wasn’t prepared to see marks in my arms from where he was holding on to me so tightly.  Oh, it was soo hard to leave him.  Today they all took the bus to school, hopefully they will all make it safely.  Hopefully school today will be drama free.

I’m exhausted.  I’m drained.  I’m tired.

I ponder where I’ll be this time next year.  I wonder what the future holds, sometimes, if I focus on what will be, the what is isn’t so tough to deal with.  Other times, I realize how truely sucky this whole situation really is, and I wonder how in the hell I have made it as long as I have.  I keep thinking that if the psych ward offered free childcare I would so be a patient, I’d be first in line, camped out on the sidewalk the night before opening.  But alas, I am stuck in my own little sucky reality, for now.

7 responses to “More whine anyone?

  1. I haven’t left a comment in a while but still check daily. Things are always going to effect you some how, but the thing that helps is knowing you ARE strong and your kids love you and you have family and friends to help, lien on, and your blog to vent on. Take care and prayers

  2. I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Some days being a grown up just plain sucks. You are a very strong woman to have made it this far, makes me ashamed of the little things I whine about in every day life for sure.
    I wish for you the strength to make it through each day. You are a remarkable person. Hang in there!

  3. “if the psych ward offered free childcare I would so be a patient”

    Laura, you totally need to make a t-shirt outta this one at cafe press. I would buy one.

    {hugs} honey

  4. Laura, this is my first time visiting your blog and I have to tell you (having come over from the young widow message board ), that I can sooooo relate. I’m a Minnesota gal myself (were you at the last gathering for food? I made my first visit with the group last month) and my husband died in January of ’08. I have a one in half year old and he’s one very busy child. Laugh. There are some days where I’m near exhaustion and I feel like my whole world is going to crash in on itself. It sucks! I have no idea how I ended up here and I’m certain it’s going to take me years to adjust. I feel your pain. Email me anytime. Hope you find relief..even if just a little. -Christine

  5. For the most part once routine is established things do become “simple” in terms of schedule and predictability. I find though that even going into three years after her dad’s death (longer of her not living under the same roof with him as he was in nursing homes/hospice) that sometimes my daughter still just implodes. Kids go in spurts emotionally as well as physically.

    Once you have routine though, you can look to establish “escape” for you. Just any little thing that allows you to be you and not mom will be a good thing in the longer run.

    Sorry things were bumpy.

  6. I think about you everyday. I so wish I could come and make even one of your days easier.

  7. Laura, your posts makes me cry..I feel the same way you do most of the time. I lost my husband last October to cancer. I have a 4 year-old and a 2 year-old. I feel exhausted everyday even though I try really hard to look ok and happy. I am just faking it. I hate the sorry look on people’s faces towards me. I am glad I can relate to someone. God Bless you and your kids.

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