Whatever

Ugghh!!  I hate this… I soo hate this…

I feel abandonded.  He LEFT me.  I know he didn’t want to.  But he did.  and now I am stuck picking up the pieces of OUR lives ALONE.  How am I supose to take care of five kids when half the time I can’t even take care of myself?  How do I make the kids happy when I am MISERABLE?  How do I do everything ALONE?  I am angery, not at Jeff, but at life…  Why me??

Some days I think “yeah, I can do this”  and then Tah-Dah!  I realize that there is no way I can continue to give the kids the life they are used to.  It’s soo not fair, to anyone.  I want my life back.  I want to have fun again.  I want to be happy.  I want the kids to be happy. 

Why does life have to be so hard?  Why does living involve so much work?  Why does everyday have to be a battle?  Why can’t I just be happy and grateful for what I have now?  Why did Jeff have to die? 

Right now I hate everybody and everything.  When i see a family at Target, I hate them because they are still a family.  When my friends complain about their husbands or wives, I hate them because at least they have someone to complain about.  All the things I saved of Jeff’s I hate them now too, those things just remind over and over again that HE’S NOT HERE and I AM ALONE.  When I try and cuddle his bloody jacket I hate him for leaving me, and then I really feel like shit.  What am I supose to do?  Even the kids make me mad, they are constant reminders, I feel so guilty.

I want a hug, I want someone to hold my while I cry and get snot all over their shirt.  I want someone to pat my back and tell me everything will be okay.  I want someone to love me again.  I want to be comforted.  I don’t want to feel all alone anymore.

How in the heck, am I supose to do this? 

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8 responses to “Whatever

  1. Oh, (((HUGS))). I don’t know that there is a “how” to do this, but you’re doing it anyway…thinking of you. And, for what it’s worth, I’d totally pat your back and tell you it’s okay.

  2. (((((Hugs))))) One day at a time. You’ve done an amazing job so far, even sometimes it’s hard to see it. You’re in a tough spot- be kind to yourself!

  3. I read a post where a woman complained about her husband today, saying “it just isn’t that much fun anymore” and stuff like that. She was letting the little annoyances that one needs to learn to ignore in marriage get the best of her and lead her right towards a divorce or an affair.
    I was pretty livid. Still kind of am.
    I thought of you.
    Balls of steel baby, just remember this lady in Indiana believes in your BALLS OF STEEL.

  4. If I were there, I would SO let you cry and snot all over my shoulder. I am so sorry you are having a tough time of it. Hang in there, be a bit gentle with yourself and you will find your strength again.
    Love to you and your children. All the way from South Africa – so they are extra special. 🙂

  5. You do it one day at a time. I know the internet isn’t warm & fuzzy and can’t offer you a shoulder to cry on, but there are lots of people out here rooting for you and you can scream to the internet all your need to.

  6. django's mommy

    Laura, just wanted to let you know I get it. I am surprised to find myself in a very angry, rageful state- very unlike me. I have lots of destructive thoughts- like, drop the kid off at daycare and go drink heavily all day, or go f*uck several random guys… the bizarro thoughts go on and on… thankfully I haven’t done anything (yet?), but I do understand. I’m just PISSED that he isn’t here. I just keep hoping it’s a phase, and we’ll both get through it. I haven’t been brave enough to get into a ywbb chat yet, but feel free to PM or email me if you ever want to chat. Hang in there. xoxoxo

  7. Anger is part of grief – it comes and goes and you deal with it just like you do with everything else – moment to moment. You have every right to be angry – what happened is unacceptable and wrong and unfair. It’s hard to do, but try to keep reminding yourself that you won’t always feel this way.

  8. Nothing to say to make you feel better I’m afraid, just that there are lots of us out here rooting for you and your family, and wishing you all well x

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