Ugghh!! I hate this… I soo hate this…
I feel abandonded. He LEFT me. I know he didn’t want to. But he did. and now I am stuck picking up the pieces of OUR lives ALONE. How am I supose to take care of five kids when half the time I can’t even take care of myself? How do I make the kids happy when I am MISERABLE? How do I do everything ALONE? I am angery, not at Jeff, but at life… Why me??
Some days I think “yeah, I can do this” and then Tah-Dah! I realize that there is no way I can continue to give the kids the life they are used to. It’s soo not fair, to anyone. I want my life back. I want to have fun again. I want to be happy. I want the kids to be happy.
Why does life have to be so hard? Why does living involve so much work? Why does everyday have to be a battle? Why can’t I just be happy and grateful for what I have now? Why did Jeff have to die?
Right now I hate everybody and everything. When i see a family at Target, I hate them because they are still a family. When my friends complain about their husbands or wives, I hate them because at least they have someone to complain about. All the things I saved of Jeff’s I hate them now too, those things just remind over and over again that HE’S NOT HERE and I AM ALONE. When I try and cuddle his bloody jacket I hate him for leaving me, and then I really feel like shit. What am I supose to do? Even the kids make me mad, they are constant reminders, I feel so guilty.
I want a hug, I want someone to hold my while I cry and get snot all over their shirt. I want someone to pat my back and tell me everything will be okay. I want someone to love me again. I want to be comforted. I don’t want to feel all alone anymore.
How in the heck, am I supose to do this?