Enough!

Holy Cow… Enough, Enough, Enough!!  I can not handle being that depressed.  It is no fun AT ALL!! 

Last week I had to drive up to Canada to finish up a few things.  I think during the drive I was hit with the realization of my actual reality.  And how different my reality is compared to what it was.  I came to the conclusion that I really don’t like this whole new life, but sadly enough, I really don’t have a choice.  As I was driving the route along the north shore, past all the places Jeff and I used to stop and visit, I was hit with overwhelming sadness.  All those fun things we used to do are now just memories, we will never do them again.  We won’t be making any new memories either, from now on it will be just my memories, mine alone.  What fun are happy times when you have no one ro share them with?  No one to laugh about them with, no one to help fill in the details…  Seriously, this all just sucks. 

I have no one to be proud of the kids with either, who is going to care?  Sure, others will be interested, but there is no one who will share that sense of “pride” with me.  Jeff isn’t here.  This is my new reality.  He can’t tell the kids how proud of them he is.  I can say the words, but it’s not the same, nothing will ever be the same.  This is what I am left with.  This is my new reality.  This all just sucks, life is just so unfair.

Moving here, and meeting new people is very hard.  I don’t know who I am right now.  I keep wishing that people could have known me before.  I was pretty cool.  I was not this whole emotional mess that I am now.  I was a true friend, I was there for people.  Now I can’t even be sure I’ll be there for my self.  How can I invite new people into my life now?  Who do I introduce them to?  Moody Laura?  Sad depressed Laura?  Bi-polar Laura?  ‘say the wrong thing and get chewed out’ Laura?  Crabby Laura?  I don’t know who I am, and I am never the same person in the morning as I am in the evening.  Not only can I not count of Jeff anymore, but I can’t even count on ME…  I am sorry to all the people I have pushed away in the last almost 6 months.  Please come back to me and I promise to try and not bite your head off this time…

This is where I am, but I am getting better.  I am pushing my way through these black clouds.  I have not given up yet, I am still going forward.  Progress at the current time is very, very slow but it is progress.  Every step counts and everyday is a victory.  Every night I am thankful that I made it past one more day.  Soon I will be able to look forward to the future again.  Soon I will be able to see the future through all these heavy black clouds.  Soon.  Where there is will, there is a way, and I will find it.  I won’t give up.  I still have some hope.  Some hope for a happy future.

I miss you Jeff, more than I ever thought I could.  Please keep pushing me, please be there to catch me when I fall, and please show me the little bits of joy that I am missing

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3 responses to “Enough!

  1. Laura this post brought tears to my eyes and a huge lump to my throat. I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through, but my heart just breaks for you.

    May you find one thing in your day today, to make you smile. Just one – no matter how small.

    B

  2. django's mommy

    Okay, seriously, get out of my head, would you? Replace Jeff with Josh and 5 kids with one and drop the last letter of your name and add -en…

    I mean this in the most non-stalker-y way possible, but I think I would really enjoy going out for coffee with you- whichever you you are right then- as long as you would be okay with meeting whichever me showed up. At least all my me’s like coffee, that I know for sure.

  3. Laura, you do have someone to share good times with, someone to make memories with — your kids. I know it’s not the same, but it’s something.

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