Last Year, at this time we were packing for our move to Canada. Amazing how much has changed since then. I thought moving to Canada would suck. After living in Red Wing for 9 years, I was not happy about the move. Suprisingly enough, I enjoyed it, I was actually shocked at how wrong I had been. Moving to Canada was the best thing for our family. We became so close during that time, the kids LOVED having their dad home more, Jeff had been right, I was wrong.
We spent 4 months together in Canada before he died. Only 4 short months, just a teasing taste of how great “normal” life could be. Then he died. The kids and I spent 5 months in Canada without him. Those are the days I can’t remember, the days I try and forget. I don’t know how I survived that time, honestly.
June 22nd, 2008, 8 days ago would have been our 10 year anniversery. 10 years! almost ONE THIRD of my life was spent with Jeff. I want that time back. Almost all my adult life was shared with him, who is there to share with now? Who am I without him?
In 8 days the kids and I are going back to Canada for a visit. In 8 days I will have to bring my children to the cemetary to visit their daddy’s grave. How do I do this?
It’s been 7 months + 10 days. About 220 days total. About 5,280 hours. About 316,800 minutes. About 19,008,000 seconds. I wonder, what if i would have counted out all of those seconds? I wonder how many of those seconds I spent crying? How many of those seconds I was angry?
How many of those seconds would have saved his life? Two? Three?
Time is a funny thing, cherish every second.
You never know which second can change your life.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again… One of the hardest things about being a widow is the ups and downs. Everything can be going along all fine and dandy and then WHAM! It’s like someone punches you really hard in the stomach. Everything changes, in an instant. All those content, positive moments I’ve worked so hard for are gone and replaced with fear, uncertainity, loneliness and pain, yes, actually physical pain. Missing Jeff actually hurts.
But, I do know there is sunshine. At the end of all this, whenever that “end” may be, I know that there will be a time when I can be happy again. A time when the clouds will part for more then a few minutes at a time, a time when I will be able to bask in the warm, shining light. I have FAITH!!
I keep thinking that I was given “this” because I am supose to learn something. I keep thinking that the faster I learn what ever “it” is, then I will be able to be happy again. I have been staying “open” hoping that the lesson will come sooner than later. Then the thought occured to me that maybe I am wrong. Maybe I don’t have to learn from this, maybe this isn’t a test.
But then I wonder…. WHY???
Tough love is so hard under regular circumstances, but under these circumstances it breaks my heart. All I really want is to see the kids happy. Happy kids means kissing their collective butts. Good parents don’t do that. Good parents make their kids behave and listen. Good parents don’t buy their kids things, just to see them smile.
I need to be a good parent, even if I don’t want too. Even if it breaks my heart. I have to be in charge. I haven’t been a good parent for the last seven months. The time has come. I hope I can do it. (and I hope the kids don’t hate me for it)
Wish me luck.
I took a time out from my life to help a friend with some projects. It felt really good to help someone else, instead of being helped. It also felt good to just be ME for a while. It felt good to escape for a bit. It’s amazing how a two days break can change your outlook. I feel a bit better, more centered, more accepting.
Thank your for reading and thanks for all the comments. I’ll update more tomorrow…
Because they sure as heck can’t get much worse.
Juli, my toothless wonder!!
Sam, the kid who lives on his bike. (that’s his tough look)
Sally Anne and her naughty look.
Sally Loves to bake.
Ben and Joe have not been in the picture taking mood. They’ve been busy with outside stuff and making old bikes into new bikes. I can’t even count how many times I have said “no power tools in the house”.
Kids, gotta love ’em!
Evenings are hard. I think it’s because everyone I know has their partner/husband with them in the evening. I am alone. It’s Friday night, Jeff and I used to watch movies curled up in bed on Friday nights, sometimes we’d even have popcorn in bed.
Life certainly lacks something when there is no one to share it with. There is no one here to say “good Job, Laura” or “I love how you rearranged the living room”. There is no one for me to whine about the kids to. No one here understands, because I am alone. There is no one to share my giggles with, no one to co-consipre on how we can get the kids to sleep early with. Why me?
I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but what if he has me mixed up with someone else? What if I can not handle all of this alone? Then what? What if “all this” screws up my kids? Ugghhh! Really I am just tired, so tired.
Sam and Sal had their second day at daycare. They love it, and I am so glad they do. I was able to spend 2 hours in the house without kids. I was able to clean and have things stay clean for two whole hours, it was amazing. Juli has a best friend. They spend all day, everyday together. Ben and Joe have a Red Wing friend staying over for a few days. They are having a blast.
Why am I struggling so much? Why can’t I just “do it”? Suck it up and get it done? Why?
Okay, this is getting depressing, I’m going to bed, ALONE. 8(
In an effort to get my life back on track, or at least something that somewhat resembles a track, I made a list.
And… I crossed things off my list.
I bought the swingset for the kids, it will be put together on Saturday. (Kids are very excited)
I made a dr appointment, and actually went to it. Doc thinks I need to double my dose of anti-depressents, I wonder why? No really, I wasn’t bawling in the exam room…really.
I made muffins, like I used too.
I called around and found a day care for Sam and Sal. Just a few hours a week so I can nap, er…. I mean clean. Today was their first day and they both loved it.
I am hoping this up will continue, but I am prepared if it doesn’t. I will be okay, I can make this work for us. I can succeed. I can be happy.
Gosh, I miss Jeff.