When you take a test, some answers are either right or wrong.  Like multiple choice, if B is right then A, C, and D are wrong.  I can handle that.  When there are essay questions, thats when I have a problem.  Essay questions leave so much room for the “what if’s” and the “maybes”  I feel like my life is now full of essay questions.

Questions that really have no right or wrong answers, questions that take so much effort and insight to answer.  Or maybe it’s me?  Maybe I am afraid to commit to an answer, maybe I don’t have the energy to write the paragraphs required to arive at the correct answer.  I feel like I am constantly second guessing myself.  I have no one to say “hey Laura, that was a dumb thing to do, but don’t worry, I’ll fix it”  Like Jeff used to do.  Who will fix my mistakes?  Who will do my proof reading before I turn in the paper?  I have no one to collaberate with.  That, I think, is what I miss.  That, I think, is what is holding me back.   I’m not sure how to fix it, I’m not sure where my confidence has gone.  Where are my decision making skills?  Instead of making decisions, I put them off, waiting for answers to hit me over the head or for someone else to make them for me.  I can not continue on this way.  I need to take control.  I need to be responsible.  But… I don’t wanna.

I have realized that my children are angry.  with me.  not because of things I did or didn’t do, but simply because their dad died.  They need to be angry, and I am here.  So Tah-Dah, I am the bad guy.  I am glad I figured this out.  I was really wondering why they hated me so.  I only wish I knew how to make it better for them.  I wish I could absorb their pain, their hurt, and their anger.  I wish they could return to that innocence, that peace, that happiness that Jeff and I created for them.  That security of knowing things were okay, they lost that.  I understand their anger, but I can’t fix it.  Their anger is normal, as is my anger, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it away.

I am really hoping things will start falling into a new “normal” now.  I want to be a family again.

3 responses to “Answers

  1. After my mom passed when I was a kid I think my dad thought I hated him. While our situation was considerably different then yours some is similar enough. I didn’t hate my dad I was just very confused. Scared, and yes angry but not at my dad. Mostly though I was just scared. Dad didn’t know how to deal with us and he didn’t want to EVER talk about mom and what had happened. So maybe I was a bit angry with him for pretending like she didn’t exist. I realize now it was because he hurt so much he couldn’t talk about it. Like I said I know our situations are/were very different but I don’t think your kids are really angry with you so much. angry at life at God at feeling scare dof losing you… but not so much at you. They are lucky to have you.. someone who cares and understands and loves them. Keep your head up. sorry if this is not the right thing to say.

  2. Hello. I had a question. I wanted to change my layout/profile theme other than the ones normally to choose from. I was wondering… I went to google and typed in “wordpress profile themes” and it came up with lots of websites… I downloaded the ones that I liked.. when I tried to upload them I needed a zip file. What is a zip file and where can I get it in the folder that downloaded? Thanks

  3. “I want to be a family again.”

    Precisely. I feel that sentiment in every breath I take.

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