where do you go?

Ya know, I feel like all I do is whine and complain on here.  But, so what, I can.

Question for the day is:  Where do I go from here?

Now that I know everything I should be doing, how do I do it?  One step a a time would be the right answer, but what if that step is too hard?  What if that step puts me back into a deep dark pit?  What if I fall?  What if I take a step in the wrong direction?  I need direction, I need someone to catch me when I fall.  I need help, with what I am not exactly sure.  Right now, it feels as if the only thing that will make this all better is having Jeff back.  But he’s not coming back.  I am on my own.

I can do this, I can succeed.  It may not be pretty and it may take a while, but I can.  I have already done more on my own than I ever could have imagined. 

It’s funny how all the help disappears, but not until you really need it.  It’s funny how after a certain point everyone things you should be “all better”.  Even people who you thought really knew you. 

Now, after all of this, I can walk around and see people, I mean really see people.  People like me who have lost, people like me who are so sad on the inside, they have this look about them.  I can pick out sad people just by looking at them.  What do I do with this new found super-power?  For now I just smile at them because I know they to can see the sadness behind my smile too.  Maybe, with time, I’ll be able to say “hi” to these sad people, and let them know.  Know what? I’m not sure yet, maybe just let them know that they are not as alone as they feel, or something.  This “inside sadness” is so isolating.  I hate it. 

Tomorrow I will take that step, where it will lead me I just don’t know.  All I have right now is hope and faith.  FAITH that I will step in the right direction and HOPE that if I don’t, someone will be there to catch me before I fall too far.

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25 responses to “where do you go?

  1. I know it’s not enough to say that I’m thinking of you and that it’s okay to be scared and sad but it’s all I can do.

    You amaze me every day, my friend.

  2. Laura,

    You are stronger than you will ever know. I can only imagine the pain you are going through, but we all have doubts about ourselves. Know in your heart there are people everywhere (literally thanks to the internet) who care and will try to help.

    Please contact me if you need a word of encouragement (or a really stupid joke, I am good at those).

    Remeber, you can do anything you put your mind to. It will never be easy and no one promised it would, but you will perservere.

    The only way to fail is to not try. Everything else is just degrees of success.

  3. Taking that first step is the hardest. Just the fact that you are thinking of doing it is that step.

    You can do it. It will take time. And you may falter but I can feel in your words that you can. Why do I think this? Because you are seeing the pain in others and want to help them feel better. That in itself is awe inspiring.

    I know you don’t know me at all, but I am glad that Jenny pointed me here and this is the last blog I will read before I go to bed. I have faith in you. You can do this. You are amazing.

  4. Here from Jenny with (hugs) of understanding.

    Would it help you to talk with some other people in your shoes? I have two lovely blog friends who are wonderful and have good networks.

  5. There is not a single piece of advice I have. Just wanted to reach out and say hello and send a virtual hug.

  6. Also here via a message from Jenny.

    I wish I was in your circle, I’d be looking at you with a face that said, “It’s ok, for as long as it takes, it’s ok to be whatever you feel.”

    From where I am I’ll be whatever you need, right now I’ll just tell you that I think your courage and your words are incredible. I think you may have more superpowers than you know.

    Take care.

  7. Truly sorry for your loss, but inspired by your obvious will to share the experience for the betterment of others.

    Don’t be seduced by the validation that comes with being so strong for everyone else, though. If it helps YOU to do that, then great. If it doesn’t, lean on the people who love you, I expect there are lots.

    There is a calm dignity in getting up every day, meeting your obligations, seeking humor where you can find it, taking care of the people who need you, and coming back from the days you can’t do any of those things. For some people, hanging on to just that can help get you over the hill.

    Good luck, I do wish you well.

  8. i know what you mean about all the help disappearing just when you need it the most.

    that was really hard for me, and when people started to tell me i needed to “move past it”. that really sucked, b/c they didn’t even know what they were doing and made me feel even lonelier.

    one step at a time, one day at a time, one second at a time. you can do it, and as you say it just won’t be pretty.

    sending hugs and wishes to you and your kids.

  9. Laura,

    Thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

    The help you need is still there. You look so strong, your friends step back. Ask for help – you don’t have to do it all by yourself.

  10. If you fall or take a step in the wrong direction, you’ll get back up and try again. For me, living with and in grief is like taking many steps foward and many steps back, over and over again. Keep reaching for support and you will find it, maybe where you least expect it.

  11. Jenny sent me too. I can’t imagine how hard those first steps must be. Best wishes to you all.

  12. I’m so sorry for your loss, just learning now, but I also know the feeling of finding out who your true friends are, who are still there after all the dust settles.

    It’s startling, and hurts your heart, but you can get far with even just one good friend or person to lean on. Most of the time I think people have good intentions and maybe they don’t know how to be a friend to you right now, so they just don’t do it all. Whatever the case, it’s ok to let yourself feel the things you feel and move on at your own pace- not the speed that anyone else might think is right for you, but what you think and need for yourself. However slow and however long that may be.

    Thinking of you…

    Steph

  13. Hi Laura,
    Although I don’t know you personally I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It is hard to be the survivor. It is hard to live with pain and ‘inside sadness’. A wise person once told me that feeling pain makes you aware that you are alive.

    Hang in there, feel your way through it, keep writing and become a stronger person. Your courage and honesty is an inspiration to all of us.

    Take care

  14. I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts. *hugs*

  15. Bless you. You have no idea how much comfort I find in reading your blog–to know I’m not the only one who pushes through grief with every ounce of life left in me.

  16. Laura,

    You don’t know me, but know that I’m thinking of you and your family. I can’t imagine the pain, hurt, and fear that you are feeling right now. But know that all of those emotions and more are ok. Reach out, for we are here. People you know, people you don’t. We are all here to help carry you through. Lending ears, hearts, arms, and encouraging words- we are here.

    Love,
    Brittany

  17. django's mommy

    You can totally do it. Someone on the YWBB often says, ‘step gently into the next moment’– and I think that holds true here. Even if you fall, even if you crash and burn, you will still have taken that step. Even when you feel like you have fallen off the cliff, you are still moving forward. If you need to, just dip a toe in– you don’t need to jump whole hog right at the beginning. Just test out how it would feel– and then pull back if you need to. It doesn’t have to be all at once. This journey seems to be (for me) about ‘trying on’ feelings and thoughts for a little, until they become painful and I have to stuff them down for a few more hours/days/weeks until I am strong enough to pull them out and try them on again, this time for a little longer.

    Big hugs to you, Laura.

  18. Your a strong person, Your kids love you. And every day is a day forward. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and pray often. Don’t be afraid to ask those around you for help, they might not know what to do or say. I know it’s hard to to ask but do it any ways, You might be surprised.

    Take care

  19. Laura–

    You WILL get through all this. Don’t let the black beat you down. Being frustrated, scared and even angry at a time like this is… just… human. My prayers are with you and your kids. I wish I could do more.

  20. Sorry, to read your latest entry. Know that I just saw it on Word Press Front page and hardly know you. Have nothing really to contribute besides been contributed already.

  21. You are one of those people that I wish I truly knew in person…you know out of cyberspace. I can so relate with so much of what you say only on a different level. When mom died it seemed like everyone rallied around us…everyone was there to help, or to lean on or to give a shoulder. Then it’s like they vanished into thin air and we or should I say I felt so alone. Lonely. The lonliness waas everywhere and I couldn’t get past it.
    Keep on trying to put one step in front of the other. You’ll get there. I know it probably seems impossible to believe but it does get better!

  22. oh, sister. there are no words for this. you are in my thoughts.

  23. I totally understand how you feel. How about feeling like people avoid you because all you do is talk about your husband, how wonderful he was, how he did this or that. I to feel neglected, left out, rejected, and alone.
    I to want my husband back, I want him back so bad, I feel trapped with the pain, like there is nowhere to go to get away from it. I am totally buffeted by the pain, tossed around, and abused. I hurt so bad sometimes that I do not think I can take another breath, yet I keep breathing. I keep waking up, I keep talking, I keep blogging, and I just started back to work two weeks ago this Monday. The sad thing is, I could not go back to my old job, I simply could not do it without Jerry. I just could not. I can’t tell you how to take that next step because I can’t even see the step I am on. I just know that God will direct me, God will hold me, God loves me, and he loves you to.

  24. your amazing… it takes so many so long to understand what you have just written. it takes along time to heal… sometimes a life time. there is no time limit when loving and losing is involved. You have such an incredible strength inside of you. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, but am inspired by how you continue on. will keep you in my prayers

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