Evenings are hard.  I think it’s because everyone I know has their partner/husband with them in the evening.  I am alone.  It’s Friday night, Jeff and I used to watch movies curled up in bed on Friday nights, sometimes we’d even have popcorn in bed. 

Life certainly lacks something when there is no one to share it with.  There is no one here to say “good Job, Laura”  or “I love how you rearranged the living room”.  There is no one for me to whine about the kids to.  No one here understands, because I am alone.  There is no one to share my giggles with, no one to co-consipre on how we can get the kids to sleep early with.  Why me?

I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but what if he has me mixed up with someone else?  What if I can not handle all of this alone?  Then what?  What if “all this” screws up my kids?  Ugghhh!  Really I am just tired, so tired.

Sam and Sal had their second day at daycare.  They love it, and I am so glad they do.  I was able to spend 2 hours in the house without kids.  I was able to clean and have things stay clean for two whole hours, it was amazing.  Juli has a best friend.  They spend all day, everyday together.  Ben and Joe have a Red Wing friend staying over for a few days.  They are having a blast. 

Why am I struggling so much?  Why can’t I just “do it”?  Suck it up and get it done?  Why? 

Okay, this is getting depressing, I’m going to bed, ALONE.  8(

10 responses to “Lonely

  1. Laura,

    I stumbled across your blog, read about how sad you are tonight, then had to backtrack through your site to find out what happened. I have to say–that as someone who’s never had to deal with the loss of family, my heart was still pounding when I located the bad parts. I am so very sorry.

    From what I can see, you are an outstanding mom. I’m a parent, too, but gee… how do you do it? The pirate costumes alone. And to keep that family going in such circumstances. I know you Canadians are a sturdy, amazing bunch, and I would rather have no one else for my northern neighbor. But the strength you’re showing goes beyond anything I could expect.

    Please make it through tonight, and tomorrow. We can’t feel good–or even okay–all the time. But we also can’t keep the sun from coming up tomorrow if we tried.

    It will come up, and it will come up for you.

    Peace and blessings,


    p.s. If you’re remotely curious about who I and are tempted to click on the link to my blog, please *don’t.* It’s a bunch of superficial nonsense, and I am (for tonight at least) very ashamed to have written it. You are testimony to the fact that there are real problems in the world, and real people overcoming them.

  2. Ahh honey. Don’t be so hard on yourself. you struggle so much because it’s hard. You actually are just “doing it”- and doing the best you can, every day. That’s all anyone can do.
    You got handed a sucky deal. It’s ok to be mad, and sad, and to struggle. It’s not easy. So be4 nice to yourself, and accept that some days are going to be harder than others. Look at you! A clean house, establishing a routine…that’s pretty incredible!
    I gotta ask…how much better do you think it all could be handled???? Cause from here, it looks like you’re doing a great job 🙂

  3. Laura

    We do it because we have to. There is nobody else, and our children need us. At least that’s how it all went for me. My first year without my wife, I was mostly on autopilot. I don’t remember much of that. I’m sure that is a good thing. My daughters and I had a lot of grieving to do. Some was alone, some together.

    Just keep doing the best you can, and your children will benefit. Not only by seeing your strength, but in seeing your weakness too. How we handle how weakness show others how strong we really are.

    I hope you can find some peace and hope. Those two things are much needed in a journey called widowhood.


  4. Laura, please don’t give yourself such a hard time by asking why you can’t “do it”. It’s still early days and it seems to me that you are “doing it”. You are taking care of and loving your family.

    Just take one day at a time.

  5. printesa Dreameringen Patrubany

    Laura, I am not a mother yet, but as a former nursery school teacher, I think nobody “just does it”. if you are giving your kids a shelter, food , medical checkups and an education, if you clean after them, if you’ve lost nights breastfeeding every 2 hours, if you worry about this tragedy’s impact on their emotional development… you are one GOOD parent

    I whole heartedly sympathize, though my family’s challenges have been different. my father has lost his own father when he was 14 and this changed his life forever… he’s been a very rough guy to deal with… had lots of breakdowns as a parent for financial and communicational reasons (also suffering from anxiety but too stubborn to ask for professional help with this burden)… but I am relieved now to see him more at peace with himself at 53, he’s “the plumber that studied Law” 😀 (distance student)…

    I am a generalised anxiety and depression survivor ,in november 2007 I was already hyperventilating all the time, and every night before bedtime thought I was gonna die …and thought I was no good on the face of this earth but now, june 2008, after counselling and mild anxiety pills, I am breathing properly, training to become a singer 🙂 something I didn’t have the courage for couple of years ago

    I hope sunshine comes your way soon, and don’t doubt yourself as a mom, there are NO perfect parents,and as a teacher, I saw “perfect” family pictures that just hid abuse and indifference and disregard for the child’s need to be loved.

    virtual hug for you and your little ones

  6. Everything that I wanted to say has already been said.

    Please believe in what everyone has said. You are “doing it” … because you have to and because your children need you too, but because you are good at what you do too.

    I hope the sun shines a little more for you and that the ripples fade quickly.

    Take care of yourself and your family.

  7. I have been through something similiar, and it is a long road to restoration and healing. BUT the Lord will help you and make all things good again. Saying a prayer for you this morning and your children. I know that I know that I know, HE has not abandoned you, and you are not alone.

  8. Laura I am so sad for you! I really do hope things get easier! it’s gonna take time!

  9. Laura, if you really want to know how well you are “just doing it”, go back a few months and read a post just three months ago. Compare one of your days now to one of your days then. Yes, you are probably just as sad that Jeff is gone, you feel like it is just as unfair, you miss him just as much, but look how much you have accomplished with your life and your kids’ lives, getting everything back on track for SIX LIVES, ALL BY YOURSELF!!!! Just look back three months ag0, if you want to see how well you are “doing it”. You are doing a great job with all of the “stuff” that needs to be done. The loneliness and the sense of sadness and unfairness and missing your partner and your lover – there is no way you could be over that so soon. It may take a long while, and that is so normal. I am so very, very sorry that you are having to go through it – as I have said so many times to you – it really, really sucks – but there is NOTHING wrong with you for still being sad and lonely without Jeff. Just one day at a time. I am so proud for you of all that you have accomplished for your family. I know it doesn’t make it any easier, but it sounds like you have a nice fan club out here.

  10. Still praying and wondering how you are…

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