Treading water

It feels like I have spent the last 8 months constantly treading water, always in motion, but never getting anywhere.  I have no direction, just trying to stay afloat, survival.  I lack passion, I lack inspiration.  Why bother?

Jeff was such a huge part of my life, a huge part of who I was.  With him gone I don’t know who I am.  For almost 10 years we amused eachother, we played together.  Sometimes it was games of his choosing and sometimes it was my favorite activities, but we did them together.  Together is no more.  His games are no fun without him playing too and my games just serve as constant reminders of what I don’t have.  I need to find new interests.  But how?  What do I like?  What is fun? 

Where do I go from here?  I feel like I should start living again, but I don’t know how to start.  Where does one begin finding a new life?  finding ME?  Where am I?  Who am I now?  I feel like it’s a constant game of hide and seek.  I can find distractions, I can find joy, but it’s fleeting.  Just out of my reach, even with my monkey arms.  I want to be happy, I want to be joyful and smiling.  I NEED to be. 

I need to find a floatie.  I wanna plop my butt down and rest my tired body.  and float.  Let the wind carry me.  Let the sun warm me and just BE for a while… While I am floating I will lookfor who am I now, and maybe who I want to be…

But in the mean time I will keep kicking my legs to keep my head above water.  I will reach out when I can and just go with the flow when I need to rest.  I have faith everything will be okay, I just need patience to wait for it.

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3 responses to “Treading water

  1. Keep kicking Laura. Your time for floating will come. You will find the “new” Laura and you have your lovely family to help you to do this.

    Lots of positive thoughts coming your way.

  2. De-lurking – to offer empathy and to tell you to keep your head up. It is the hardes thing to do -some days are better -those have to be your floaties-cling to them-!

  3. At least you are treading girl. Keep on treading. There is a lot to be said for survival. You are gradually gaining strength.

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