Monthly Archives: August 2008

NINE months

It’s been nine months since Jeff died.  It still seems hard to believe. 

I keep having this same dream- in the dream he is not really dead, he’s just gone, living somewhere far away, I am sad because I miss him so much, but the fact that he is living brings me peace in my dream. 

The kids have all had their first birthday without their dad.  They all got exactly what they asked for.  It still sucked.  Jeff’s birthday is on Friday, he should be 39, not 38 forever.

I really can’t believe I have made it this long without him.  The reality of raising 5 kids alone has really begun to hit me.  The future scares me.  Right now I can’t keep up with everything how in the world am I going to do it once I am working full-time.  The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too.  (okay, slight exageration, but still true)  It’s just not fair, at all.

Why is it that my kids have to grow up without their dad?  I can handle my loss, but it’s the kids’ loss that really hurts me.  They deserve to have their dad with them.  Teaching them, cheering them on, mentoring them, being their buddy and their role-model.  I feel inadiquate.  I can’t fix this, I can’t make it all better.  A band-aid will not fix the sadness they feel.  Moms are supose to make everything all better, I can’t fix this.  I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads.  It breaks my heart.  I just don’t understand how come these kids have to suffer.

School starts soon.  Some of the kids are excited.  I managed to get most of their school clothes bought last weekend.  I think we’ll be ready on time.  I need to get organized.  I keep trying, but then I just give up, it’s easier.  I’ve always been a little bit lazy, but now, I am a slug.  I think I need a nanny, can stay-at-home moms have nannies????

I’ll update again soon, this next week will be nuts…. wish me luck!

Just for fun

I’ve always like cliches (how do ya spell that?)  bur with a sarcastic twist…

“every cloud has a silver lining”  but silver is still grey, and grey means rain….

“life is like a box of chocolates”  make sure you taste them all…

“when life gives you lemons”  ask for salt and tequila…

“the early bird gets the worm”  I’d rather wait for bacon….

“when it rains, it pours”  may as well, rain is rain…

Okay, little kids whining…gotta go

Ya know…

I wish there was a book with all the answers to all the questions I have.  A book the simply spells it out and tells me what I am supose to do.  An instruction manual of sorts.

I wish there was a magic potion that would make me feel “normal”, not that I was ever normal to begin with, but I want to be the person I was.  I miss the innocense, the confidence, the silliness of who I was.  I miss the love, the stability, the togetherness, I miss my team mate.  My partner-in-crime.  I miss my Jeffy.

The life I am living now seems “second best”.  I am just being, instead of living.  Everything is fine from the outside, but on the inside, I hurt.  Not all the time, but a lot of the time.  I am emotionally exhausted, not only to I have my grief to deal with, but the grief of five innocent kids.  Kids who don’t fully understand why their daddy was taken from them.  I can’t be mommy and daddy to five kids, I have been trying and failing.  I need to find a happy medium.  Instead of trying to be mommy and daddy I need to be “maddy” or “dommy” (not dummy).  I have to balance, but I soo lack coordination. 

Life now doesn’t suck all the time.  There are bright spots. 

School starts soon

I have a part-time job I like

I have widowed friends I see once a month

I have decided church is a good thing

I have let the kids have more independance

I have learn how to drive in the Cities

I took the kids to the beach and no one drowned

Okay, enough…

See, things are okay enough.

hmm…

I’m sorry for the lack of updates.  I hate writing when I am down, and when I am up it’s such a whirlwind. 

Things here in our little theme park are umm.. OKAY.  Not good, but not too bad.  The kids have been busy, which is good.  I have been busy which keeps me distracted. 

I wish I had something profound to say, but I don’t.  Being widowed sucks.  Everyday it sucks, some days it really sucks, and some days it sorts sucks.  (how’s that for profound?)

More later, after I nap *yawn*.  I wish I wasn’t always so tired.  It’s a good thing I love my bed.