I wish there was a book with all the answers to all the questions I have. A book the simply spells it out and tells me what I am supose to do. An instruction manual of sorts.
I wish there was a magic potion that would make me feel “normal”, not that I was ever normal to begin with, but I want to be the person I was. I miss the innocense, the confidence, the silliness of who I was. I miss the love, the stability, the togetherness, I miss my team mate. My partner-in-crime. I miss my Jeffy.
The life I am living now seems “second best”. I am just being, instead of living. Everything is fine from the outside, but on the inside, I hurt. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I am emotionally exhausted, not only to I have my grief to deal with, but the grief of five innocent kids. Kids who don’t fully understand why their daddy was taken from them. I can’t be mommy and daddy to five kids, I have been trying and failing. I need to find a happy medium. Instead of trying to be mommy and daddy I need to be “maddy” or “dommy” (not dummy). I have to balance, but I soo lack coordination.
Life now doesn’t suck all the time. There are bright spots.
School starts soon
I have a part-time job I like
I have widowed friends I see once a month
I have decided church is a good thing
I have let the kids have more independance
I have learn how to drive in the Cities
I took the kids to the beach and no one drowned
See, things are okay enough.