NINE months

It’s been nine months since Jeff died.  It still seems hard to believe. 

I keep having this same dream- in the dream he is not really dead, he’s just gone, living somewhere far away, I am sad because I miss him so much, but the fact that he is living brings me peace in my dream. 

The kids have all had their first birthday without their dad.  They all got exactly what they asked for.  It still sucked.  Jeff’s birthday is on Friday, he should be 39, not 38 forever.

I really can’t believe I have made it this long without him.  The reality of raising 5 kids alone has really begun to hit me.  The future scares me.  Right now I can’t keep up with everything how in the world am I going to do it once I am working full-time.  The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too.  (okay, slight exageration, but still true)  It’s just not fair, at all.

Why is it that my kids have to grow up without their dad?  I can handle my loss, but it’s the kids’ loss that really hurts me.  They deserve to have their dad with them.  Teaching them, cheering them on, mentoring them, being their buddy and their role-model.  I feel inadiquate.  I can’t fix this, I can’t make it all better.  A band-aid will not fix the sadness they feel.  Moms are supose to make everything all better, I can’t fix this.  I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads.  It breaks my heart.  I just don’t understand how come these kids have to suffer.

School starts soon.  Some of the kids are excited.  I managed to get most of their school clothes bought last weekend.  I think we’ll be ready on time.  I need to get organized.  I keep trying, but then I just give up, it’s easier.  I’ve always been a little bit lazy, but now, I am a slug.  I think I need a nanny, can stay-at-home moms have nannies????

I’ll update again soon, this next week will be nuts…. wish me luck!

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8 responses to “NINE months

  1. “The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too.”

    Your relationship with them is evolving, as are you, as are your children. They aren’t losing you; it is just changing. I am a stay at home mom also, and I know how it is when your family is set up for you to be at home. But kids are so much more resilient than we think they are, and sometimes even more resilient than we are. I think as long as you are spending time at some point each day – even a minute here or there – with each one to know that you are there for them, this means the world.

    “I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads. It breaks my heart.”

    I know it must be hard to see them with other dads, but this is probably a positive thing if they are good dads. Jeff set such a great example of what a dad was, and they, I’m sure, aren’t trying to replace him but as a defense and coping mechanism probably just reaching out for some of the things that they got from him.

    I know you don’t know me, and I hope you don’t mind me giving my input. You are so strong, and I thank you for all that you share. I know what you pass on as far as inpiration even to your readers, I can only imagine the strength, courage, and love that your children feel from you. Don’t underestimate yourself; I think you are growing tremendously and are doing a better job than it may feel like right now.

  2. You can do it, you’ve made it through the worst, the darkest part. Yes, it sucks, it’s not fair, and it’s always going to suck. They’re always going to miss their Dad. But there’s nothing anyone can do to change that so you just have to go on.

    You are strong enough and you can do it, and this will make them stronger in the long run, make their bond with you and each other closer. Who knows how it will affect them in the long run, maybe even somehow inspire them to achieve something great, make them more serious, grown up, focused. Maybe one of your kids will cure cancer and it never would have happened if Jeff had lived. Who can know?

    I like to think that everything happens for a reason, although it seems like so many bad things happen in this world that there can’t possibly be a reason for except that evil is abroad in the universe.

    You don’t deserve this, and for damn sure your kids don’t deserve it, but it’s reality now and it will get better over time.

  3. I’m so sorry for your pain at not being able to fix things for your children. I don’t have any children and surviving the first year of widowhood is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – I can’t really imagine what it is like for you.

  4. I have nothing but {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} for you. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. But I find it hard to believe that your kids are “on their own” now. It sucks, but I would think that they are growing and evolving right along with you.

    As always, hang in there.

  5. I think I’ve shared this before, but I lost my dad growing up and if there’s one thing that amazes me about you, it’s that you are doing what you have to do.

    And no, that isn’t always the case.

    My own mother, also a mother to five, struggled horribly after my dad passed. She never would go back to work or even be there for us…we had to do it ourselves.

    So please, I know in your heart you feel your children are “losing” you too because your role has changed. But, truly, as long as you are still a parent to them, you will never be lost to them.

  6. First time visitor here – but I wanted to let you know, you can do this. Ten and a half years ago I lost my husband, he was also 38. I was left to raise our 9 year old son and 12 year old daughter alone. And guess what – I did it – and they are fantastic individuals. It wasn’t easy, and a lot of times it wasn’t fun either. You will make it through it though. Just one day at a time..

    Take care.

  7. I think every mom deserves a nanny, but not for the kids, for our selves. Seems we spend so much time fixing, worrying, helping we neglect the one who needs it most-us. School will be a good thing for everyone, even if they don’t believe it now. A consistent routine helps settle things down even if it is hectic most days.
    Take a deep breath, put your feet up, and congratulate yourself everyday that you are there with your children making a great life in spite of a very bad situation.
    Your children have you. For now that is enough.

  8. Just wanted to send hugs, Laura. I only have one and I wonder often how I will ever do it.

    And, for the record, I do know a few SAHMs with nannies. 😉

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