It’s been nine months since Jeff died. It still seems hard to believe.
I keep having this same dream- in the dream he is not really dead, he’s just gone, living somewhere far away, I am sad because I miss him so much, but the fact that he is living brings me peace in my dream.
The kids have all had their first birthday without their dad. They all got exactly what they asked for. It still sucked. Jeff’s birthday is on Friday, he should be 39, not 38 forever.
I really can’t believe I have made it this long without him. The reality of raising 5 kids alone has really begun to hit me. The future scares me. Right now I can’t keep up with everything how in the world am I going to do it once I am working full-time. The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too. (okay, slight exageration, but still true) It’s just not fair, at all.
Why is it that my kids have to grow up without their dad? I can handle my loss, but it’s the kids’ loss that really hurts me. They deserve to have their dad with them. Teaching them, cheering them on, mentoring them, being their buddy and their role-model. I feel inadiquate. I can’t fix this, I can’t make it all better. A band-aid will not fix the sadness they feel. Moms are supose to make everything all better, I can’t fix this. I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads. It breaks my heart. I just don’t understand how come these kids have to suffer.
School starts soon. Some of the kids are excited. I managed to get most of their school clothes bought last weekend. I think we’ll be ready on time. I need to get organized. I keep trying, but then I just give up, it’s easier. I’ve always been a little bit lazy, but now, I am a slug. I think I need a nanny, can stay-at-home moms have nannies????
I’ll update again soon, this next week will be nuts…. wish me luck!