It seems like so long ago when I held Jeff as we both fell asleep. How was I to know that Nov 19th 2007 would be my last night with him? If I would have known that on his way to work he would die in a car accident what would I have done differently? All of his things that I’d snuggle and smell, no longer smell like him. I can no longer remember the tiny details of our last morning together. I sometimes feel like I am losing him all over again. We have made it through most of the firsts, we’ve survived all of the birthdays without him, is that success? It feels odd to be proud of such victories, but I am. I have survived. I have changed, I have adapted, I have grown. It hasn’t been pretty, and it surely hasn’t been easy, is it still a success?
There are times when I am still so scared, and still feel so alone, I miss my other half. Slowly, I am becoming “whole” again. Is this good? All of the time I wonder “why?”. Why me? Why do my kids have to grow up without their dad? How is this fair? The answer is: It’s not fair, but I was chosen to experience this, my kids were chosen. Someone has confidence in us, therefore, so can I. I can make this new life a success for us all. I can be a whole person again. I can do this, whether I want to or not, this is what I must do. I can fight, I can be miserable, I can throw temper tantrums, but will that change anything? Nope, all I can do is accept what is, be grateful for what I do have and with one foot in front of the other step into this new life. Wish me luck!