Almost a year….

It seems like so long ago when I held Jeff as we both fell asleep.  How was I to know that Nov 19th 2007 would be my last night with him?  If I would have known that on his way to work he would die in a car accident what would I have done differently?  All of his things that I’d snuggle and smell, no longer smell like him.  I can no longer remember the tiny details of our last morning together.  I sometimes feel like I am losing him all over again.  We have made it through most of the firsts, we’ve survived all of the birthdays without him, is that success?  It feels odd to be proud of such victories, but I am.  I have survived.  I have changed, I have adapted, I have grown.  It hasn’t been pretty, and it surely hasn’t been easy, is it still a success? 

There are times when I am still so scared, and still feel so alone, I miss my other half.  Slowly, I am becoming “whole” again.  Is this good?  All of the time I wonder “why?”.  Why me?  Why do my kids have to grow up without their dad?  How is this fair?  The answer is:  It’s not fair, but I was chosen to experience this, my kids were chosen.  Someone has confidence in us, therefore, so can I.  I can make this new life a success for us all.  I can be a whole person again.  I can do this, whether I want to or not, this is what I must do.  I can fight, I can be miserable, I can throw temper tantrums, but will that change anything?  Nope, all I can do is accept what is, be grateful for what I do have and with one foot in front of the other step into this new life.  Wish me luck!

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9 responses to “Almost a year….

  1. Laura, I wish you the best of luck. Just reading you over the past year has been so hard but watching you perservere (sp?) and push on, I know you and your children will be okay.

  2. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and it’s not at all acceptable, but somehow it is “reality”. And survival, especially for you with children and a major move, is definitely something to be proud of and to consider a success. Good luck to you as you find your way in this new world of “after”.

  3. I have read your posts since the accident. And you have been very successful. You are moving forward, you are spreading your wings and you are starting to fly! You are doing so well with the children, from what I have read anyways. 🙂

    Give yourself a pat on the back and say “WE DID IT”.

    Good luck to you sweet Laura! May God be with You and your family!

  4. You’ve made it, bit by bit. It is right to be proud of all you’ve accomplished- I bet Jeff would be, if you’ll allow a stranger to say so.
    The fact that it hasn’t been easy, or pretty, makes the success that much sweeter. And becoming whole again is a wonderful thing.

  5. you should be proud of yourself, you are doing great! i am sure jeff is watching over you and your children, and is very proud of the mom you’ve become. you sound like a really strong woman!

  6. Wow. The moment of resolve, perfectly described. The setting out of commitment, firmly and seriously stated.

    Wish you luck? Yes, for certain. I’m with you all the way!

  7. That’s the girl I know!! There she is!!! She’s back!!! Alleluhia!! Whew, I knew you were in there somewhere. You’re different, but still the same in the fundamental ways. You’re chipped, but not broken. You don’t need luck, you’ve already got everything it takes. You’re not a perfect mom, but you’re their perfect mom. This is not a perfect life, but show me someone who is having a perfect life, and I will show you a Saggittarius…oh wait…
    I LOVE YOU LAURA!!

  8. Sending good wishes and thoughts your way today…

  9. Hey Laura,
    I think about my husband’s last day as well. I do not even torture myself with thoughts of what I would do different. I am grateful that he was sick the night before he was killed. Why? because always before when Jerry was sick he annoyed me, this time, I loved on him, and ministered to him, and cuddeled him and took care of him. So I believe that God gave me that night. I feel blessed to have been on the phone with Jerry when he left this world and went to be with Jesus, my voice was the last voice he heard. Wow, that still has the power to make me cry. It has been 9 months, 1 week, and 6 days and some times it feels like years and sometimes it feels like moments. Some days, like today I do not think I can do this anymore. I simply want to just lay down and die. But I still keep breathing, and I keep living, and I keep eating. Life won’t leave me alone, and I cannot leave my kiddos anyway, they are grown 23/18 and I have three grandbabies. They need me but not like yours need you. I’m so sorry your daughter has to grow up without her daddy, mine had to walk down the aisle two weeks later without her daddy, so many hurts for our children, that cause us to lose it. You are doing great and you are in inspiration to me Laura, and I don’t even know you.

    Warm regards,
    Jodie

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