Day 354

I walked outside today and was almost instantly brought back to that day.  The sharp cold air took me back to our front porch in canada.  It was 5:30am, November 20th.  Jeff had woken me up and pulled me to the outside to see the stars.  Today I could feel that cold, I could almost feel the warmth of him standing behind me.  It took my breath away.  I cried as I drove into town…I cried and I reflected.

Today was the baby shower for my nephew.  Which equals family…Ugh!  They handed out the names for the Christmas gift exchange.  After finding my name, I looked for Jeff’s.  It wasn’t there.  I felt like someone kicked me.  It’s strange how I can be soo torn up inside, but yet outside I look fine…  No one understands why or how a gift exchange list can make me feel that stab, that shock, and finally that feeling of defeat. 

I do not like this…not one bit.

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3 responses to “Day 354

  1. “No one understands why or how a gift exchange list can make me feel that stab, that shock, and finally that feeling of defeat.”

    Your family might not understand, but at least there’s a whole bushel of fellow young widows out here who understand. Because I certainly relate, and understand….Hang in there.

  2. I understand.

    Last year at Christmas, it was signing my name- just mine- to our son’s gifts. It was seeing his stocking there, empty, because his father could not bear to not have it out.

    Hugs, Laura.

  3. I understand (but I wish I didn’t).

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