Day 355

I often dream of Jeff.  It’s like the same dream over and over again.  In the dream he is not really dead, he is just gone.  Living and working somewhere far away.  He can contact me, but I can not contact him.  I just have to wait for his phone call or visit.  Sometimes I wait months, sometimes only days.  When he does contact me we have great discussions, sometimes disagreements.  It is always a relief to hear from him, even though I am usually upset because I have had to wait for his call and because he left me.  It’s him leaving me that hurts the worst.  In the dreams he has choosen to leave, in reality he didn’t get a choice.

I really prefer this dream to my actual reality.  In fact there have been times when I believed the dream was actually reality.  I hate waking up from these dreams.  At least during the dreams I have some contact with him.  I know he is well.  I can hear his voice, I can hear the pride in his voice when I share stories about the kids.  I miss that soo much, having someone that takes as much pride in the kids as I do, someone to share the funny kid stories with.  Having a partner, having a team mate, knowing that there is someone to watch my back when the kids are throwing snowballs….  Jeff, I miss Jeff.

My goal is to write daily, whether it’s positive or whiney, just to write for the next 10 days.

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3 responses to “Day 355

  1. your last 2 posts brought tears to my eyes. i feel so badly for you. you are so strong. i know you must hear it a lot, and think ‘how would we know if u are strong or not’ , but to me, you are. you are strong because you get up everyday. your kids are all still breathing, lol. you still have a spark inside you, and in time, your candle will shine bright again.
    about your dreams, the ones where you sometimes get to spend time w/Jeff. i have had the same type of dreams about my father. he passed away when i was very young. i was 9. my dreams are usually him and i at Canadas Wonderland *an amusement park, lol* with me holding his hand, and looking up at his smiling face. we are having so much fun, and it feels so real. i can feel his hand in mine. then i wake up. its so hard to start the day after dreaming like that. it kinda makes me feel a bit ‘off’. i dont know how to explain. you prob. understand. i have lost my father, and dealt with it kinda ok, but if i lost my husband, i’d probably die too. inside anyways. i read your posts all the time, and you, even tho i dont know you, are in my thoughts.

  2. I’ll be here, reading, supporting you from the sidelines.

  3. Keep on writing…. we’re listening.

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