A lot has happened this last year.
We’ve changed, we’ve grown, we’ve learned. We’ve started a life in a new place. We’ve made new friends, we’ve learned independence.
We’ve lost the dream… We’ve lost the farm, the horses, the tree forts, the adventure trails, the waterfall, the barn, the hayloft. We all miss that. We miss our Canadain friends. We miss our Canadain family. Losing these were all a choice. I choose to move back to Minnesota.
When Jeff died, not only did we lose a husband and a dad, we all lost our innocense. We lost our leader, our guide, our stability. There are soo many times I want to ask his opinion, so many times when I want to say “hey Jeff, remember when?”. I miss the private jokes, I miss the giggles, I miss the fun.
Where before being happy was easy, now it requires work. Being sad is easy, finding joy is work now. Contentment used to be the default, now depression is the default. It sucks!
The kids have been handling all of these changes. They have all changed. Hearing my four yr old discuss “floating soals” with her preschool friends breaks my heart. Seeing the anger that my six yr old holds inside makes me mad too. Watching my nine yr old put on a happy face even though she so misses being “daddy’s princess” makes me want to cry. When I watch my 14 and 13 yr old boys struggle with “guy stuff” I just want to run away, I wonder all the time “how can I do this?”
Then I remember: I AM DOING IT!!! I am doing the best I can, it will never be as pretty as I’d like, but sometimes “good enough” is all you have.
(and then when all else fails….buy them toys, that always makes them smile and distracts them, when they smile, it’s easier for me to smile.)