Day 356

A lot has happened this last year. 

A lot….

We’ve changed, we’ve grown, we’ve learned.  We’ve started a life in a new place.  We’ve made new friends, we’ve learned independence. 

We’ve lost the dream… We’ve lost the farm, the horses, the tree forts, the adventure trails, the waterfall, the barn, the hayloft.  We all miss that.  We miss our Canadain friends.  We miss our Canadain family.  Losing these were all a choice.  I choose to move back to Minnesota.

When Jeff died, not only did we lose a husband and a dad,  we all lost our innocense.  We lost our leader, our guide, our stability.  There are soo many times I want to ask his opinion, so many times when I want to say “hey Jeff, remember when?”.  I miss the private jokes, I miss the giggles, I miss the fun. 

Where before being happy was easy, now it requires work.  Being sad is easy, finding joy is work now.  Contentment used to be the default, now depression is the default.  It sucks!

The kids have been handling all of these changes.  They have all changed.  Hearing my four yr old discuss “floating soals” with her preschool friends breaks my heart.  Seeing the anger that my six yr old holds inside makes me mad too.  Watching my nine yr old put on a happy face even though she so misses being “daddy’s princess” makes me want to cry.  When I watch my 14 and 13 yr old boys struggle with “guy stuff” I just want to run away, I wonder all the time  “how can I do this?”

Then I remember:  I AM DOING IT!!!  I am doing the best I can, it will never be as pretty as I’d like, but sometimes “good enough”  is all you have.

(and then when all else fails….buy them toys, that always makes them smile and distracts them, when they smile, it’s easier for me to smile.)


6 responses to “Day 356

  1. I can literally feel your sorrow in your words. I can’t even begin to imagine what every day without Jeff must be like for you. But, well said, sometimes good enough is just enough. You are a brave, strong woman who is managing to survive this sorrow along with your children who are so lucky to have you for their mom.

  2. You’re doing it, step by step. Good enough is precisely what it needs to be. and hopefully, the anger and the sorrow will fade for all of you as time goes on.

  3. “Then I remember: I AM DOING IT!!! I am doing the best I can…”

    Yep, you are. And I am in awe.

  4. You are doing it Laura, and there is so much support across the world for you.

  5. Yes, you are doing it!

    Buying toys… must remember that tip. 😉

  6. Laura, I have been reading your blog for months now. I have never commented before, but I feel compelled to so now. I write this not to make it anymore difficult for you by my words. I just want to say that last night as my husband came to bed after I was there already with my 2 yo old and 11 month old that often find their way in between us. He kneeled on the floor on my side to give me one last cuddle before going over to his side….far away…. with 2 sleepy children between us. As he hugged me for a few moments, I thought of you and how you are missing Jeff and how you would love to do this very same thing. I write this to let you know, my tears flow for you because I just can’t IMAGINE life without my husband. He is so precious to me, as Jeff was to you. I want to appreciate the gift of his presence is in my life and not take it for granted. Thank you for the reminders. I know you don’t want to be the one with this job. But since you have to be, I am grateful that you share your love for Jeff and let others see the importance of appreciating the gift of loving each other while we still have each other here on earth.

    BTW, my husband is the one that introduced me to this blog last Feb. He links your blog to his.

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