Day 363

The funeral home gave me this very nice box.  Inside is the guest book, that everyone signed (even the kids), a scrapbook-like book which includes pictures of all the flowers and who they are from, random pics of him growing up and of our family, a transcript of the funeral service, his obituary, and photos of the room where he was for the visitation.  It’s quite lovely.  Also included in this box is a cassette tape.  I have no idea what is on this tape and I am afraid to listen to it.  I’m guessing it’s a recording of the funeral, but who knows.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to listen to it, maybe not.  It seems odd that they would send me a recording of the funeral, really, who wants to relive it? 

but when all is said and done, I am glad I have it.  Those few days were such a blur, I couldn’t even tell you what day his funeral was on without looking it up.  It was Saturday November 24th.  I really had no idea.  I know it was on a Tuesday that he died, I know that because on Tuesdays Ben had early band at school, and that is why we had let the house soo soon after Jeff.  I also remember because we were leaving the house so early I didn’t take the time to get “ready”.  I was still wearing my jammie pants under my jeans and I hadn’t bothered to comb my hair or brush my teeth.  As I was sitting in that little room at the hospital I kept think “man, I wish I had brushed my teeth this morning”  Now I always brush my teeth before I drive anywhere.  I may not always get dressed before leaving the house, but gosh darn, my teeth are clean… Just in case.

I really wish I could remember more from those first few days(or maybe I don’t).  As part of my healing process I am supose to go back and read my blog from those first few days…but I can’t, or maybe I really don’t want to remember.  I dunno, it scares me to think back to those times, I am afraid of getting “stuck” there.  I’m afraid of what I wrote.  How silly is that?

On Thursday, I am not going to be miserable.  I am going to take pictures, because Jeff would want me to and I am going to take a nap, because Jeff would expect me too (he knows how much I love to nap).  I am going to remember the good and not the bad.  I’ll be grateful for what I have and not sad for what I lost.

1Corinthians 13:4-8

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7 responses to “Day 363

  1. All best wishes for tomorrow.

    I hope it goes well, or as well as you could hope. For me at least, the day itself was better than the fear of the day.

    And at least it’s good to know that Friday will be just another day, even if it’s another hard day amongst many.

  2. Thinking of you and your family today.

  3. I’ve been watching you count the days. I wish you a measure of peace today and a deep breath of hope for tomorrow.

  4. I said a prayer for you yesterday as I was reading & praying…

  5. Just thinking about you.

  6. I have been following your blog for a few months now. I am always amazed by your strength. I am thinking about you today…

  7. I’m thinking about you and hoping you made it through the day okay. I am continually amazed at how strong you are, even in your sad moments.

    Namaste.

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