The funeral home gave me this very nice box. Inside is the guest book, that everyone signed (even the kids), a scrapbook-like book which includes pictures of all the flowers and who they are from, random pics of him growing up and of our family, a transcript of the funeral service, his obituary, and photos of the room where he was for the visitation. It’s quite lovely. Also included in this box is a cassette tape. I have no idea what is on this tape and I am afraid to listen to it. I’m guessing it’s a recording of the funeral, but who knows. Maybe one day I’ll be able to listen to it, maybe not. It seems odd that they would send me a recording of the funeral, really, who wants to relive it?
but when all is said and done, I am glad I have it. Those few days were such a blur, I couldn’t even tell you what day his funeral was on without looking it up. It was Saturday November 24th. I really had no idea. I know it was on a Tuesday that he died, I know that because on Tuesdays Ben had early band at school, and that is why we had let the house soo soon after Jeff. I also remember because we were leaving the house so early I didn’t take the time to get “ready”. I was still wearing my jammie pants under my jeans and I hadn’t bothered to comb my hair or brush my teeth. As I was sitting in that little room at the hospital I kept think “man, I wish I had brushed my teeth this morning” Now I always brush my teeth before I drive anywhere. I may not always get dressed before leaving the house, but gosh darn, my teeth are clean… Just in case.
I really wish I could remember more from those first few days(or maybe I don’t). As part of my healing process I am supose to go back and read my blog from those first few days…but I can’t, or maybe I really don’t want to remember. I dunno, it scares me to think back to those times, I am afraid of getting “stuck” there. I’m afraid of what I wrote. How silly is that?
On Thursday, I am not going to be miserable. I am going to take pictures, because Jeff would want me to and I am going to take a nap, because Jeff would expect me too (he knows how much I love to nap). I am going to remember the good and not the bad. I’ll be grateful for what I have and not sad for what I lost.