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Monthly Archives: December 2008
I am so overwhelmed. I have way to much to do and not nearly enough hands, nor time to get it all completed. Add to that the fact that I am doing Christmas alone again this year and Ugh! I just wanna crawl back in bed and wake up Jan. 1st.
I think this holiday season has been harder. Seems odd, but I think it’s because I really don’t remember much of last year. (that may be a good thing)
I am really missing having Jeff with us. I miss shopping with him. Deciding what to get for the kids, wrapping gifts, all of that. I really dislike doing this all alone. The feeling he is missing is so great right now.
The kids are starting to have some issues, I think they really miss Jeff. Sam and Juli have been seeing a grief counselor and Joe and Ben are next in line. Little Sally seems to just hang on me, all of the time. She has also been waking up every night claiming “bad dreams”. I am simply just going banannas. Good thing I like banannas, especally with chocolate syrup on them.
Think Martha would come and do Christmas for me? Please?
Son: Hey Mom, I need compression shorts.
Son: For wrestling
Mom: You have shorts, here, where these.
Son: No, I need COMPRESSION shorts.
Mom: You have plenty of shorts, you’ll be fine.
Son: I NEED COMPRESSION SHORTS.
Son: So my balls don’t fall out, OKAY!!???
Mom: Okay, I’ll get some.
Well, I have made it through another birthday. I really miss being spoiled by my sweetie, but I did kinda spoil myself. The kids all went to a friends house and I went down to the Cities. On Saturday we had the MN widdas Christmas gathering. It’s good to connect with other people who “get it”. On Sunday I went to a concert. It was really fun. www.gofishguys.com . My kids love their music and so do I, check them out.
Christmas is all around us. I have the house decorated, we have the tree up, and we have tons of snow, but what is missing is the “magic” . I really dread crawling into bed on Christmas eve alone. Waking up and watching the kids open presents alone doesn’t thrill me either. Christmas will be here no matter how I feel, so I have decided to do what makes me feel best, and that is doing good for others. So far I have managed to do a few things, but there is always more I can do. I plan on getting presents for a family in need. I also really want to bring cookies to the nurses who end up working on Christmas eve. There are so many other people who will not be happy on Christmas, if I can make just one person smile, then I will smile too. Christmas is the season of giving after all. How can you bring joy to someone? What can you do to make someones Christmas a little bit brighter?
I miss writing for the blog. It seems like such a simple thing, but it does help. Your comments help, thank you. I wish I had more time to sit, and think and type. Well, maybe not think, but sit would be good.
I think for both me and the kids the shock of Jeff’s death is now wearing off. More grief issues are coming into play. I think we all miss our old life. We all miss the security, we all miss Jeff.
The holidays are also a hard time. Sam’s birthday is today, my birthday is next week. We will have a small birthday party for Sam tonight. We’ll make it fun for him. My birthday, on the other hand, will be hard. I miss having someone special to celebrate with (and I miss presents). Jeff was always so good at making me feel special. He could always make me smile. I miss being loved. I miss Jeff, I miss what we had.
Christmas… Ugghhh! I want the magic, the wonder of Christmas eve, the excitement. It’s not going to happen for me. The kids will hopefully enjoy it, but I don’t think I will. There is no one to shop for the kids with me, no one to assemble those toys on Christmas eve with, no one to snuggle up in bed with for those scant few hours before the kids jump on us demanding presents…. Just me, alone.
Notice how easy it is for me to feel sorry for myself? I hate that. Ugghh!
My cousin was killed in a car accident on Sunday. Why do these things keep happening? It’s not fair. He left behind a wife and two little kids, he was only 27. I spent yesterday in a daze. I KNOW what his wife is going through, I KNOW how she is feeling, I KNOW how bad it sucks. I just want to wrap her up in a warm, fuzzy blanket and protect her. I want to save her from all the yucky stuff, and I don’t even know her that well. In fact, if I came at her with a blanket she would probably call the cops….
I want to let her know that things get better, but do they? Not really, they just get different. Sometimes different is good, sometimes different is bad, but most of the time different is just that: Different.
Knowing what she is going through has brought me back, back to those first few mind-numbing weeks. The weeks I don’t really remember much. The “fog”. That haze that is so hard to fight through, the haze that keeps the sun from shining. The haze that pushes down on you and keeps you from feeling. Oh, how I hated that.
Luckily, the haze does lift, little, by little. Small smiles come back. Little giggles. Moments of self-confidence, and success. Surviving each day is success. Heck, showering is a success. They return.
I would love to say that one year is a magic mark. It’s not, I am discovering. The one year mark is just a mark of progress, not completion. I wish I knew when I could be done, I wish I knew when this could be over, but I don’t.
I don’t think grief is a fixable problem. Grief is just a process, a process that you can’t avoid.