I miss writing for the blog.  It seems like such a simple thing, but it does help.  Your comments help, thank you.  I wish I had more time to sit, and think and type.  Well, maybe not think, but sit would be good. 

I think for both me and the kids the shock of Jeff’s death is now wearing off.  More grief issues are coming into play.  I think we all miss our old life.  We all miss the security, we all miss Jeff. 

The holidays are also a hard time.  Sam’s birthday is today, my birthday is next week.  We will have a small birthday party for Sam tonight.  We’ll make it fun for him.  My birthday, on the other hand, will be hard.  I miss having someone special to celebrate with (and I miss presents).  Jeff was always so good at making me feel special.  He could always make me smile.  I miss being loved.  I miss Jeff, I miss what we had.

Christmas… Ugghhh!  I want the magic, the wonder of Christmas eve, the excitement.  It’s not going to happen for me.  The kids will hopefully enjoy it, but I don’t think I will.  There is no one to shop for the kids with me, no one to assemble those toys on Christmas eve with, no one to snuggle up in bed with for those scant few hours before the kids jump on us demanding presents…. Just me, alone.

Notice how easy it is for me to feel sorry for myself?  I hate that.  Ugghh!


4 responses to “Recently

  1. I know you will make Sam feel special for his birthday, as I’m sure you always do. I hope on your birthday you are pampered in some way – even if it is just a long bubble bath. Do something nice for yourself. Happy early birthday.

  2. Our losses happened at similar times and I often find myself wondering if you’re feeling how I’m feeling…and you are.

    Best wishes through the holidays and birthdays!

  3. 5 years and I still don’t feel the joy of the season. I don’t have the bah humbug feeling of the first 2 years, more of a I really don’t care feeling. So is that getting better?

  4. 11 years for me, and Christmas is for the kids. Still can’t wait for January.

    Bah, humbug!

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