Monthly Archives: January 2009


It’s really amazing how something as simple as a goal can be so empowering.  I feel better now that I know where I am headed.  I feel “in control”.   I almost feel good… I have even cooked for 6 days in a row!

I have 4 boxes packed, I have one third of the money I need in savings and Ben has “accepted” the fact that we a moving.



Baby Steps

So, a quick update…

I have decided that I need to go back to school so that I may get a job to support my family.

I decided where I am going to go to school at.

I looked at a house to rent this weekend, and liked it.

Next steps:

Convince Ben that he can move away from his girlfriend.

Gather $ for first and last months rent.

Find a microwave and other odds and ends for new house.

Apply for financial aid for school.


Wish me luck, I can do this, but with luck (and God) by my side it will be easier.

-One way-

I was thinking, if all roads were one-way streets I wouldn’t get lost.  If there were no detours or rest stops, or cutesy little tourist traps I would be there already.

I want to be “there”.  I don’t know where there is, but I want to.  I want to know where I am going.  I want to be done “drifting”.  I want to be the one choosing my destination, or at least have some input.

Does the destination determine the journey?  Or is it the journey which determines the destination? 

When you wonder aimlessly, I think, you will end up at a random destination.  Maybe a good place, maybe not.  If not, then you need to begin another journey until you randomly end up at that happy place… You’ll need good shoes.

If you know where your destination is, then you have options.  You can pick the shortest journey, or the prettiest route, or the path that brings you the most peace.  You can go at your own pace, or you can rush.  You can choose to stop at only the rest stops that have vending mechines. 

Once you know where you are going, know where you want to be, it’s easier to get there.  When you don’t, it’s alot of steps in many directions.  Oh, there may be cool suprises, and there might be really neat things to see along the way, but…

It really boils down to is:  What is most important, the journey, or the destination?

Right now I’m sick of the journey.  I want to be “there”.  When Jeff was alive I knew where I was going, I knew what destination I was working towards.  When he died, that destination was scratched off my map.  It no longer existed.  The last almost 14 months I have spent wondering, aimlessly, not knowing, and not feeling, just being.  I’m done. 

I now know where I want to be, I can look at my map and say “here, here is where I am going”.  I can ask for directions, I can track my progress.  I now can choose the path I want to be on, I can take the shortest, the longest, the prettiest or the fun-est. 

No matter what, I know now where I am going.