February 18, 2008 • (I wrote this almost exactly 1 yr ago)
According to my therapist I am supposed to read my blog as part of the healing process, I haven’t been able to read it in its entirety, but I am read bits and pieces. I thought this entry was kinda neat, some things just haven’t changed at all. (orig. post is in black, updates in blue)
I still haven’t found the sun yet. It seems to me like things are getting harder and harder. There are so many things that need my attention, too many things to keep on top of. I feel like I am slowly sinking. I’m not sure how to keep my head above water. I’ve been trying to sit back and take things day by day, but thats hard. I’m being pulled so many directions, but yet I don’t know what is important to me. I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight. I’m spending time doing stupid things when I should be focusing on bigger fish.
(I am getting better at this, I keep a list of priorities. It’s not a to-do list, it’s just a list of what is important, and what I need to be focused on. I still sink, but not as often. Yay! Progress)
( I have accepted this. I will always be exhausted, and I will always need a break. All I can do is my best, and if it is not perfect, so be it. It will get better, my best will get better.)
The kids are really exhausting me. I can’t be the mom I used to be anymore. I can’t be the mom I want to be alone. I miss having the extra pair of hands and eyes. I miss having help. I can’t be both mom and dad to all five kids all at once. I feel like I am letting them down. They deserve more. I have to work so hard to keep them all happy, in the process I end up making myself miserable. I need a break.
(Heehee! We are moving again in NINE days. I still hate the moving process. The kids are okay with this move, well, except for ben. They will be fine, I will too. I am still searching for the “happily ever after”, but at least I am hopeful. I still miss Jeff with all my heart, I always will.)
We’ve decide that moving back to Minnesota is our best option. I can’t say for sure it will be our forever place, but for now, it all I can do. The kids are not happy about it, but they will be fine. I’m not excited about the whole moving process. This was supose to be our “happily ever after home” We had so many hopes and dreams that centered around here. So many bright spots, so much hope for the future. I have to find new hopes and dreams, with out Jeff. I don”t know if I can, I don’t know if I even want to. I want my old life back, I don’t like this one. I miss Jeff, so much.