Tag Archives: death

focus

I have decided to put my focus on a few things.

1.  Instead of focusing on what was taken from me, I will focus on what was/is given.

2.   I can not control my circumstances, but I can control my reactions to these circumstances.  I get to choose how I react.

3.  Stupid and cheerful is always a great plan B.

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It’s been 3 years

ya know, I never thought I’d make it this far.  I never imagined I’d be saying “My husband died three years ago”  But here I am, saying it.  They (whomever “they” are) say time heals all wounds, but they are wrong.  Time doesn’t “heal”.  Time adds distance, but doesn’t magically make thing all better.  “Time” keeps moving forward…  Time is one of those things that doesn’t stop when I want it to, it doesn’t slow down and wait for me to catch up, it doesn’t pause when I want to stay in bed and cry.  It keeps going…putting distance between my old life with Jeff and this “now” life.  All I can do is try and keep up, try and stay in the “now”.  Live in the now and look to the future.  Oh, it’s fun to visit the past, but thats not where I live, and it seems like the more time  I spend visiting the past the harder it is to live in my “now”.  Kinda like when you go on vacation, the work doesn’t stop, you still have to do it all when you get back.  I’m not sure where I am going with this post. 

It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, 3years and 7 days since Jeff died.  The kids are…Hmm…where are they?  Juli, Sam and Sally are playing in the basement.  They have a “fort town” down there.  Ben spent the night at “naughty kid’s” house, and Joe is still sleeping.  This afternoon I will attempt to put up Christmas decorations.  I’ll put on my “everything is peachy” outfit, it goes well with my “everything is fine” smile and deck the halls.  Fa-la-la-la…  and I will once again wonder what to do with all the Jeff ornaments.  I will be sucked back into past Christmas’ some make me smile, but some make me cry. 

I hate this time of year, but I can do it

Fall

Fall is a hard time of year for me.  Jeff and i did so much fun stuff in the fall, sometimes it was just enjoying the fall colors.  Most years we would have a big pumpkin party, complete with a trip to the pumpkin patch.  I loved that, I enjoyed the prep work for the party and I enjoyed the fun time that we shared with friends. 

I know that I can still entertain on my own, but its not the same, at all.  There is no one to stay up late with frantically cleaning the house.  No one to help.  No one to share in that sense of satisfaction after all the guests leave.  I miss it.

I am content with my life now, but I still wish it was different.  I often say “I want my life back”  my life with Jeff.  I miss him.  The kids miss him. 

Since he died I have lived my life, I have tried to live life to the fullest.  Sometimes I succeed.  Sometimes I curl up in my nice warm bed and pull the covers over my head.  And sometimes I just want to scream “Why me??!!”

But still, everyday I wake up and wonder “what will today bring?”  I look at everyday as a gift, a gift from God.

-One way-

I was thinking, if all roads were one-way streets I wouldn’t get lost.  If there were no detours or rest stops, or cutesy little tourist traps I would be there already.

I want to be “there”.  I don’t know where there is, but I want to.  I want to know where I am going.  I want to be done “drifting”.  I want to be the one choosing my destination, or at least have some input.

Does the destination determine the journey?  Or is it the journey which determines the destination? 

When you wonder aimlessly, I think, you will end up at a random destination.  Maybe a good place, maybe not.  If not, then you need to begin another journey until you randomly end up at that happy place… You’ll need good shoes.

If you know where your destination is, then you have options.  You can pick the shortest journey, or the prettiest route, or the path that brings you the most peace.  You can go at your own pace, or you can rush.  You can choose to stop at only the rest stops that have vending mechines. 

Once you know where you are going, know where you want to be, it’s easier to get there.  When you don’t, it’s alot of steps in many directions.  Oh, there may be cool suprises, and there might be really neat things to see along the way, but…

It really boils down to is:  What is most important, the journey, or the destination?

Right now I’m sick of the journey.  I want to be “there”.  When Jeff was alive I knew where I was going, I knew what destination I was working towards.  When he died, that destination was scratched off my map.  It no longer existed.  The last almost 14 months I have spent wondering, aimlessly, not knowing, and not feeling, just being.  I’m done. 

I now know where I want to be, I can look at my map and say “here, here is where I am going”.  I can ask for directions, I can track my progress.  I now can choose the path I want to be on, I can take the shortest, the longest, the prettiest or the fun-est. 

No matter what, I know now where I am going.

Animals @ the Zoo!

Today is Ben’s birthday.  He’s 14.  I really can’t believe it.  He wanted a drum set, so we went and picked one out today.  How come drums don’t come with earplugs? 

Sam and Sally are enjoying daycare.  They have lots of fun and lots of friends there.  Their daycare is on a farm, so it’s kind of like in Canada.  Today Sam and his friend hung out in the barn while they de-horned and casterated the cattle.  Gotta love life lessons.

Juli stays busy running the neighborhood with her little friend, yesterday they had a lemonade stand.  She is ALWAYS outside.  She sleeps very well at night.  Yay!!

Joe’s birthday is coming up in August, he’ll be 13.  He has grown soo much.  He’s almost as tall as I am.  He also has that lovely puberty attitude.

I’ve spent the last week catching up on house stuff and laundry, trying to get organized for our trip to Canada.  The drive sucks, but visiting will be nice.

I’m kinda sad today.  I lost a friend.  They don’t have time to be a friend to me right now.  I understand, but it still makes me sad.  I’ve gotten through worse though, I’ll get through this.  8(

Uuuggghhhh!  I’m starting to really dislike the drums.

Time Flies

Last Year, at this time we were packing for our move to Canada.  Amazing how much has changed since then.  I thought moving to Canada would suck.  After living in Red Wing for 9 years, I was not happy about the move.  Suprisingly enough, I enjoyed it, I was actually shocked at how wrong I had been.  Moving to Canada was the best thing for our family.  We became so close during that time, the kids LOVED having their dad home more, Jeff had been right, I was wrong.

We spent 4 months together in Canada before he died.  Only 4 short months, just a teasing taste of how great “normal” life could be.  Then he died.  The kids and I spent 5 months in Canada without him.  Those are the days I can’t remember, the days I try and forget.  I don’t know how I survived that time, honestly.

June 22nd, 2008, 8 days ago would have been our 10 year anniversery.  10 years!  almost ONE THIRD of my life was spent with Jeff.  I want that time back.  Almost all my adult life was shared with him, who is there to share with now?  Who am I without him? 

In 8 days the kids and I are going back to Canada for a visit.  In 8 days I will have to bring my children to the cemetary to visit their daddy’s grave.  How do I do this?

It’s been 7 months + 10 days.  About 220 days total.  About 5,280 hours.  About 316,800 minutes.  About 19,008,000 seconds.  I wonder, what if i would have counted out all of those seconds?  I wonder how many of those seconds I spent crying?  How many of those seconds I was angry? 

How many of those seconds would have saved his life?  Two?  Three? 

Time is a funny thing, cherish every second. 

You never know which second can change your life.

Roller Coaster

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again… One of the hardest things about being a widow is the ups and downs.  Everything can be going along all fine and dandy and then WHAM!  It’s like someone punches you really hard in the stomach.  Everything changes, in an instant.  All those content, positive moments I’ve worked so hard for are gone and replaced with fear, uncertainity, loneliness and pain, yes, actually physical pain.  Missing Jeff actually hurts.

But, I do know there is sunshine.  At the end of all this, whenever that “end” may be, I know that there will be a time when I can be happy again.  A time when the clouds will part for more then a few minutes at a time, a time when I will be able to bask in the warm, shining light.  I have FAITH!! 

I keep thinking that I was given “this” because I am supose to learn something.  I keep thinking that the faster I learn what ever “it” is, then I will be able to be happy again.  I have been staying “open” hoping that the lesson will come sooner than later.  Then the thought occured to me that maybe I am wrong.  Maybe I don’t have to learn from this, maybe this isn’t a test. 

But then I wonder…. WHY???