I have decided to put my focus on a few things.
1. Instead of focusing on what was taken from me, I will focus on what was/is given.
2. I can not control my circumstances, but I can control my reactions to these circumstances. I get to choose how I react.
3. Stupid and cheerful is always a great plan B.
Darn dog forgot some Noodles… I’m hoping that there are not more hidden stashes.
Really, it doesn’t rain in my house (unless you count Noodles) Ben is such a good brother. Sally loves hanging out with him.
It’s hard work playing all day. That bin is what they use for a car. She was exhausted. Oh, and the marker on her face, I didn’t do it, Sam did. He made both him and her tears. And yes, she stayed in her jammies all day, but so did I. That’s okay right?
Ben and Joe insisted on going to school today, how weird is that? What kids ever want to go to school? Why can’t mine be normal? You’d think they’d be happy to miss 2 months of school…But NO… they whine and complain to go. What brats, I even bribed them to stay home, but nope, they made me drive them in. and I bet they expect me to pick them up too. Mmmmwahahaha. *evil grin*
I decided not to pick up the accident report today, I am not in the correct frame of mind to handle it, I will get it tomorrow. They told me that I will only get the front page, and not the witness statements. I think I should get all of it. Something about “privacy” or some other crap. Umm.. Hello, my husband was in that accident, I should be able to find out exactly what happened. It doesn’t seem quite fair to me. Stupid rules.
Yesterday was 11 weeks, I’m not sure how I have survived this long. I want to be “proud” of making it this fair, but in reality it’s getting harder and harder to keep myself “up” It would be soo easy to give in and be a crying, mopey, whiney mess, it would be so easy to not get out of bed, it would be so easy to visit the psych ward for the week. Heck, the psych ward sounds like a vacation to me right now. But I won’t give in, I promised Jeff. I will do the very best I can and at least stay positive in front of the kids, and then I will sob all night long into his pillow. Thank goodness the kids didn’t throw Noodles in my room, otherwise I might actually be mad at them. Silly Monkeys.
*have you decided which lonely people to send Valentines to yet? Don’t forget*
Ya know how when your feeling down, and then good things happen, you’re supose to feel better. and then when all these “good” things keep happening and you don’t feel better, in fact you feel worse. then you start feeling rotten because you can’t be glad. and then it just goes on and on… how’s that for a really bad grammer…. anyways, that’s how i am feeling. i want to be happy, i want to be glad, but i just can’t do it now. Oh, well, I’m just not even going to think about it any more.
BUT… two really cool things have happened. The first is if you google ‘ naughty Laura ‘ I’m number one. How’s that for cool?? Jeff would be pleased. He liked it when I was naughty….subject change!!
and the other really cool thing is that Zenmomma from http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/2008/01/so-not-perfect.html gave me the “not so perfect award” Strangely enough, I am so happy to be not so perfect.
wanna see my award???
(for some reason this soo reminds me of my wonderful book club ladies)
So yeah, life isn’t so bad, really it’s not.
I woke up this morning an dthought to my self “Oh No, today is going to be a crappy day”I was thinking that for a number of reasons: it’s like a blizzard outside, so I was not taking the monsters to school and I figured they’d be so mad. And. I didn’t sleep well last night because I had two kids plus a damn cat in my bed with me. And. The main reason, I had a dream about Jeff, I know all of you are thinking awe.. for sweet, but it’s not. He always tells me what to do (kinda like he did when he was alive) It ticks me off. So then in the dream we stand there and “disagree” on what i should be doing, and “discuss” what i am doing wrong (he does this in the nicest way possible) for almost the whole dream. Until the end when he hugs me and kisses me and tries to grap my ass, and then we both leave the dream feeling happy. Until I wake up and think “what a brat, he’s not hear to help me but he still wants things doen his way” Which is exactly like real life, so I focus on the positive (and that fact that he still wants to grab my ass) and carry on. Some days I try and do what he tells me to and other days I say “neener, neener, neener, you can’t make me” But today I will have a good day:
The kids are not mad at me for skipping school, in fact they are happy because all their friends are home too, thank goodness for the internet. The little kids have been playing with the guinea pigs all morning. They are teaching then how to go up and down the stairs and how to have babies (don’t ask), they are having fun.
I can live with out sleep, really “Yawn”
And just for the fun of it, I’ll try and clean up the kitchen, like Jeff suggested. *sticking out my tongue at him*
I’m sick of this. Can I be done yet? Haven’t I been punished enough? What the heck did I do to deserve this? I mean, really, come on. Enough of this torture, let me wake up in Jeff’s arms and discover this was all a dream…. I want to be happy again. I want to have fun, to laugh. I want to relax. I want to stop worring about everything, I want to stop freaking out about every little thing. I want help with the kids. 5 kids is alot of work when you don’t have your backup, your extra set of eyes, your big, mean voice. It does me no good to threaten them with the wrath of dad now. They only have me to bug, and harass. They only have me to talk to, confide in, and play with. They only have me to learn from, and that’s scary, Jeff was always the “good” to my “naughty”. Jeff was the “right way” as opposed to my “half-ass way”. Poor kids…..
On a more positive note I got my lazy, tired butt out of bed today and brought the 3 bigger kids to school today, ON TIME even. I had a good talk with Sam about Jeff, and he even listened to about half of it. I paid all my bills online and made some phone calls. I do plan on cooking supper tonight (well, maybe)
Poor Sally is really sick. She’s got a sore throat and a high temp. *the thermometers in Canada are in Celcius and I only speak Fairenhieght (I don’t spell either language). So I had to go online and find a C to F conversion and then add a degree for the whole armpit temp thing* Where’s the damn easy button??????