Tag Archives: family

It’s been 3 years

ya know, I never thought I’d make it this far.  I never imagined I’d be saying “My husband died three years ago”  But here I am, saying it.  They (whomever “they” are) say time heals all wounds, but they are wrong.  Time doesn’t “heal”.  Time adds distance, but doesn’t magically make thing all better.  “Time” keeps moving forward…  Time is one of those things that doesn’t stop when I want it to, it doesn’t slow down and wait for me to catch up, it doesn’t pause when I want to stay in bed and cry.  It keeps going…putting distance between my old life with Jeff and this “now” life.  All I can do is try and keep up, try and stay in the “now”.  Live in the now and look to the future.  Oh, it’s fun to visit the past, but thats not where I live, and it seems like the more time  I spend visiting the past the harder it is to live in my “now”.  Kinda like when you go on vacation, the work doesn’t stop, you still have to do it all when you get back.  I’m not sure where I am going with this post. 

It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, 3years and 7 days since Jeff died.  The kids are…Hmm…where are they?  Juli, Sam and Sally are playing in the basement.  They have a “fort town” down there.  Ben spent the night at “naughty kid’s” house, and Joe is still sleeping.  This afternoon I will attempt to put up Christmas decorations.  I’ll put on my “everything is peachy” outfit, it goes well with my “everything is fine” smile and deck the halls.  Fa-la-la-la…  and I will once again wonder what to do with all the Jeff ornaments.  I will be sucked back into past Christmas’ some make me smile, but some make me cry. 

I hate this time of year, but I can do it

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Fall

Fall is a hard time of year for me.  Jeff and i did so much fun stuff in the fall, sometimes it was just enjoying the fall colors.  Most years we would have a big pumpkin party, complete with a trip to the pumpkin patch.  I loved that, I enjoyed the prep work for the party and I enjoyed the fun time that we shared with friends. 

I know that I can still entertain on my own, but its not the same, at all.  There is no one to stay up late with frantically cleaning the house.  No one to help.  No one to share in that sense of satisfaction after all the guests leave.  I miss it.

I am content with my life now, but I still wish it was different.  I often say “I want my life back”  my life with Jeff.  I miss him.  The kids miss him. 

Since he died I have lived my life, I have tried to live life to the fullest.  Sometimes I succeed.  Sometimes I curl up in my nice warm bed and pull the covers over my head.  And sometimes I just want to scream “Why me??!!”

But still, everyday I wake up and wonder “what will today bring?”  I look at everyday as a gift, a gift from God.

I know….

I know it’s been a while, but to my credit I have actually written a few things and the deleted them.  So I have written, just not shared.

Being a single parent SUCKS!  I get soo busy trying to keep up with the kids, the house and everything else.  I sometimes think I am insane (maybe I am)  I have no time to just be, which I need so much now.  I’ve been trying to sneak away a couple weekends a month, but that is getting difficult.  No one wants to babysit FIVE kids.  Really, I can’t blame them.  It seems like I miss Jeff more on a practical level now.  I miss him being with us, I miss the help.  I miss his rules, I miss the way the kids listened to him.  I miss the structure he provided our family with.

Ben, Joe and I spent the last 4 days backpacking and camping.  Brr… sleeping in a tent when it’s below freezing is COLD.  Hauling a backpack that weighs more than one-third your body weight is HARD.  I am still sore.  Jeff was always a big outdoors fan, me, not so much.  He used to take the kids hiking and camping all the time.  I was thinking this would be a good way to spend some guy time with the big boys, and honor Jeff’s memory.  I succeeded at both.  Jeff would be soo proud of me.  I did it.  We backpacked 7.6 miles total.  It was fun!! 

I’m not working anymore, I think that is a good thing.  I’ll miss the social time, and the money, but the kids need me more.

Sam and Sally have been sick lately, hacky yucky cough that keeps us all awake at night.  Hopefully that will end soon.

School is going well for all involved.  I went to Ben and Joe’s conferances, and came home mostly pleased.  Juli is doing wonderfully.

We aquired a puppy, she is 8 weeks old and cute.  I’ll post her pic soon.

I guess thats all for now.  I will update on a more regular basis now, I promise.

Positives!

Here we go:

I have managed to NOT lose any kids in the last 10 months!

All the children have grown, even without me cooking for them!

The swingset in the back is almost completed!

I enjoy working 2 days a week for my aunt!

When I finally get the boxes in the garage unpacked it’ll be just like Christmas!

Shopping makes me feel better, you should see all my shoes!

I love my camera!

Last time I took the kids out to eat we paid a strangers’ bill.  The kids learned “Random acts of Kindness”

Sally Anne will stay in the bath tub for hours!

I have successfully avoided cooking for 10 months!

Visiting dogs make good vacuums!

Feeling Bi-Polar isn’t so bad…wait… Yes it is!

sad

Sometimes I just feel so sad.  I don’t know why, it’s just all of the sudden, nothing really triggers it, it just happens.  Okay, maybe PMS has something to do with it.  I really just want my old life back, my life with Jeff.  My family life.  I still feel so incomplete.  He is missing.  I’m sick of this, I want him back.

Here are some pics from the first day of school:

IMG_7691 by you.

IMG_7685 by you.

IMG_7680 by you.

 

IMG_7687 by you.

NINE months

It’s been nine months since Jeff died.  It still seems hard to believe. 

I keep having this same dream- in the dream he is not really dead, he’s just gone, living somewhere far away, I am sad because I miss him so much, but the fact that he is living brings me peace in my dream. 

The kids have all had their first birthday without their dad.  They all got exactly what they asked for.  It still sucked.  Jeff’s birthday is on Friday, he should be 39, not 38 forever.

I really can’t believe I have made it this long without him.  The reality of raising 5 kids alone has really begun to hit me.  The future scares me.  Right now I can’t keep up with everything how in the world am I going to do it once I am working full-time.  The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too.  (okay, slight exageration, but still true)  It’s just not fair, at all.

Why is it that my kids have to grow up without their dad?  I can handle my loss, but it’s the kids’ loss that really hurts me.  They deserve to have their dad with them.  Teaching them, cheering them on, mentoring them, being their buddy and their role-model.  I feel inadiquate.  I can’t fix this, I can’t make it all better.  A band-aid will not fix the sadness they feel.  Moms are supose to make everything all better, I can’t fix this.  I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads.  It breaks my heart.  I just don’t understand how come these kids have to suffer.

School starts soon.  Some of the kids are excited.  I managed to get most of their school clothes bought last weekend.  I think we’ll be ready on time.  I need to get organized.  I keep trying, but then I just give up, it’s easier.  I’ve always been a little bit lazy, but now, I am a slug.  I think I need a nanny, can stay-at-home moms have nannies????

I’ll update again soon, this next week will be nuts…. wish me luck!

Independence Day

WooHoo!!  Happy 4th.  I’m being sarcastic.  Another Holiday alone.  It’s odd how you can feel so alone even when you are surrounded by people.  It makes the “alone-ness” so much more profound.  When I see other couples happy and together I get so jealous, I hate being jealous.  I want that back, I want happy together.

Mr. Clean magic eraser removes pen from walls as well as arms and legs.

When kids play drums at 2:30am, and then mom plays drums at 7am, kids don’t play drums at 2:30am anymore.

 

To remove the ding ding from a cow you tie a rope around it, Sam says it doesn’t hurt the cows tho…

If you take the horns off a cow, does that make them less horny?  Laura wants to know (LOL)

When you are laying in bed all alone, having a big hairy dog jump in with you does not make you less lonely, just more hairy.

Even if she is cute!

Juli has learned the value of wearing shoes when cute dog is visiting.  Ewww…Poo…!

Hanging out with depressed people when you are depressed is not a good plan.

When you live in the middle of nowhere, you get only country music stations, and country music is soo depressing.

When the daycare lady asks what your children like to eat and you don’t know, maybe you should start cooking again. 

When you complete your daily to-do list it’s a wonderful feeling, when you almost complete it, you still feel good.  When you cross of everything except “cook supper” It’s still okay.  (note to mandated reporters:  My children do eat and are growing)

Have a great Independence Day!!  (Independence Sucks, I want someone to depend on)