ya know, I never thought I’d make it this far. I never imagined I’d be saying “My husband died three years ago” But here I am, saying it. They (whomever “they” are) say time heals all wounds, but they are wrong. Time doesn’t “heal”. Time adds distance, but doesn’t magically make thing all better. “Time” keeps moving forward… Time is one of those things that doesn’t stop when I want it to, it doesn’t slow down and wait for me to catch up, it doesn’t pause when I want to stay in bed and cry. It keeps going…putting distance between my old life with Jeff and this “now” life. All I can do is try and keep up, try and stay in the “now”. Live in the now and look to the future. Oh, it’s fun to visit the past, but thats not where I live, and it seems like the more time I spend visiting the past the harder it is to live in my “now”. Kinda like when you go on vacation, the work doesn’t stop, you still have to do it all when you get back. I’m not sure where I am going with this post.
It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, 3years and 7 days since Jeff died. The kids are…Hmm…where are they? Juli, Sam and Sally are playing in the basement. They have a “fort town” down there. Ben spent the night at “naughty kid’s” house, and Joe is still sleeping. This afternoon I will attempt to put up Christmas decorations. I’ll put on my “everything is peachy” outfit, it goes well with my “everything is fine” smile and deck the halls. Fa-la-la-la… and I will once again wonder what to do with all the Jeff ornaments. I will be sucked back into past Christmas’ some make me smile, but some make me cry.
I hate this time of year, but I can do it
Ya know how when you are watching the weather channel and they predict storms you think “Yuck”. You aren’t quite sure what to expect. You tend to think back to the last storm and wonder if it will be that severe, or you may think back to the worst storm you ever experienced and wonder if it will be as horible. You also may think back to the worst storm you ever heard about and hope it’s not nearly as tramatic.
One think I “like” about being a widow and having “weathered” the worst storm imagineable is that now I just think to myself… “Hmmm…it can’t be nearly as bad as losing my husband, so whatever it is will be okay” Once you’ve made it through the worst everything else is a bump in the road. Kind of odd, but yet also kind of comforting.
There is no real point to this post, just a random thought, maybe I’ll expand on later, but for now, I’ll simply ponder…
I hope this week brings you all great big belly laughs and quiet moments of contentment.
why is it that things never seem that important until they are gone? Please Hug your loved ones extra tight today. Tell them how important they are to you.
you know how they say it’s the little things that mean the most? It true. A smile can make someones day. Just a simple “hello” can change someones mood. With in ourselves we hold the power to affect others. Be a super-hero, use this power for good.
Thank you all for taking the time to comment, sometimes it’s the comments that help me through the day. They make me smile, they make think, they let me know I am not nearly as alone as I feel. You make a difference in my day.
I completed tasks yesterday, I got some things done. It made me feel good. I crossed things off my list and I liked it. It was even Tuesday, and it wasn’t so bad. We’ll see what today brings.
Shoot for the moon, then even if you miss, you’ll still end up among the stars.
Remember, YOU are a Super-Hero.
Ya know, I feel like all I do is whine and complain on here. But, so what, I can.
Question for the day is: Where do I go from here?
Now that I know everything I should be doing, how do I do it? One step a a time would be the right answer, but what if that step is too hard? What if that step puts me back into a deep dark pit? What if I fall? What if I take a step in the wrong direction? I need direction, I need someone to catch me when I fall. I need help, with what I am not exactly sure. Right now, it feels as if the only thing that will make this all better is having Jeff back. But he’s not coming back. I am on my own.
I can do this, I can succeed. It may not be pretty and it may take a while, but I can. I have already done more on my own than I ever could have imagined.
It’s funny how all the help disappears, but not until you really need it. It’s funny how after a certain point everyone things you should be “all better”. Even people who you thought really knew you.
Now, after all of this, I can walk around and see people, I mean really see people. People like me who have lost, people like me who are so sad on the inside, they have this look about them. I can pick out sad people just by looking at them. What do I do with this new found super-power? For now I just smile at them because I know they to can see the sadness behind my smile too. Maybe, with time, I’ll be able to say “hi” to these sad people, and let them know. Know what? I’m not sure yet, maybe just let them know that they are not as alone as they feel, or something. This “inside sadness” is so isolating. I hate it.
Tomorrow I will take that step, where it will lead me I just don’t know. All I have right now is hope and faith. FAITH that I will step in the right direction and HOPE that if I don’t, someone will be there to catch me before I fall too far.
It’s kind of interesting how throwing a temper tantrum can make things better. No wonder my kids do it all the time. I feel better today, I actually started feeling better last night. I managed to get quite a bit accomplished. I tried to convince myself that this was just the jungle I had to fight through before I could see the sun again. I also discovered that even in the deep jungle there are small patches of sunshine. And I found one, stopped and rested for a while and now I’m back to trudging through. I will make it through the next two weeks, I will get everything packed and organized, and then I will enjoy being back with my family. (then I can ditch the kids and finally get some “me” time) April will be a month of new beginings. April will bring us a new kind of normal. April will be a month of changes.
There are certain places here where we all feel so close to Jeff. There are places here that hold soo many memories. It will be hard for all of us to leave that behind. It’s almost like we are leaving him behind. The kids have felt that way too. They keep asking if we are bringing “dad’s this or that” My answer is always “yes, we are” I still have his basket of dirty laundry, I am so tempted to just pack it, dirty. I’m not sure what I will actually end up doing, that decison is on hold for the time being. I did pack the dirty sheets already tho. Shhh… don’t tell anyone.
Every step I take is a step further away from him. Sometimes I am proud of myself, sometimes I just cry. I know this is what I HAVE to do, sometimes I just don’t like it. But there are also times when I can be happy about it, sometimes I even look forward to it. When I dream of Jeff, I get the feeling he approves. He has told be I need to be happy. He will always be with the kids and I no matter where we are.
Focus on the positive, one day at a time.
One of the many things that make this journey so hard are all of the ups and downs. There are days, okay most days, where I am happy one minute and then crying the next, and this happens over and over again through out the day. It happens for no reason what so ever, I can be driving and then all of the sudden there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I can be on the phone and then all of the sudden I just can’t talk anymore. I’m sure it is very hard to be my friend lately.
I’m sure it’s even harder to be my kids. They never can tell what kind of mood I’ll be in. I feel incredibly guilty. I can not be the parent I want to be right now. I want my moods to be consistant. It’s unfair they have to see me this way. It’s not fair that my 13yr old son needs to take care of me. He has been amazing, he’s been my rock, but what about him? He still needs a mom. He needs to be taken care of too (not that he’d admit it) I think being together, and alone together has been good for us in general, but I wish it could be easier and more fun, especally for them.
The next few weeks are going to be hell. It’s saying good bye to all of Jeff’s hopes and dreams. It’s saying good bye to where we were happy. It’s saying good bye to the last place he was. It’s a major step into the future for us, while leaving him behind. It’s not supose to happen like this. It’s not supose to be this way, but it is. I don’t have to like it, but I still have to do it. And I will. I promised Jeff I’d focus on the positives and I will. Or at least I’ll try. I
Instead of being sad because of what I lost, I’ll be happy for what I had. I’m sick of being sad. I am going to be happy. I’m going to embrace what “good” I have have and focus on that. I can’t change the past, no matter how hard I try, but I can affect my today and my tomorrow. And I will.