Trying to keep the “happy face” on.
Trying to keep the house merry and bright.
Trying to not cry.
Trying to not miss Jeff too much.
Trying to establish a “new” normal.
Trying to focus on the good.
We got the stupid tree up, after two weeks of Sally begging. I pretty much let the kids do it all. It looks a little bit “odd”, but the munchkins are happy. Every year I debate putting up the “memorial” ornaments. Each year the girls want to place Jeff’s funeral program on the tree. Ugh! No fair!
but… I’m working on the happy face 8) <—-see
I can do it!!
It’s been nine months since Jeff died. It still seems hard to believe.
I keep having this same dream- in the dream he is not really dead, he’s just gone, living somewhere far away, I am sad because I miss him so much, but the fact that he is living brings me peace in my dream.
The kids have all had their first birthday without their dad. They all got exactly what they asked for. It still sucked. Jeff’s birthday is on Friday, he should be 39, not 38 forever.
I really can’t believe I have made it this long without him. The reality of raising 5 kids alone has really begun to hit me. The future scares me. Right now I can’t keep up with everything how in the world am I going to do it once I am working full-time. The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too. (okay, slight exageration, but still true) It’s just not fair, at all.
Why is it that my kids have to grow up without their dad? I can handle my loss, but it’s the kids’ loss that really hurts me. They deserve to have their dad with them. Teaching them, cheering them on, mentoring them, being their buddy and their role-model. I feel inadiquate. I can’t fix this, I can’t make it all better. A band-aid will not fix the sadness they feel. Moms are supose to make everything all better, I can’t fix this. I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads. It breaks my heart. I just don’t understand how come these kids have to suffer.
School starts soon. Some of the kids are excited. I managed to get most of their school clothes bought last weekend. I think we’ll be ready on time. I need to get organized. I keep trying, but then I just give up, it’s easier. I’ve always been a little bit lazy, but now, I am a slug. I think I need a nanny, can stay-at-home moms have nannies????
I’ll update again soon, this next week will be nuts…. wish me luck!
One of the many things that make this journey so hard are all of the ups and downs. There are days, okay most days, where I am happy one minute and then crying the next, and this happens over and over again through out the day. It happens for no reason what so ever, I can be driving and then all of the sudden there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I can be on the phone and then all of the sudden I just can’t talk anymore. I’m sure it is very hard to be my friend lately.
I’m sure it’s even harder to be my kids. They never can tell what kind of mood I’ll be in. I feel incredibly guilty. I can not be the parent I want to be right now. I want my moods to be consistant. It’s unfair they have to see me this way. It’s not fair that my 13yr old son needs to take care of me. He has been amazing, he’s been my rock, but what about him? He still needs a mom. He needs to be taken care of too (not that he’d admit it) I think being together, and alone together has been good for us in general, but I wish it could be easier and more fun, especally for them.
The next few weeks are going to be hell. It’s saying good bye to all of Jeff’s hopes and dreams. It’s saying good bye to where we were happy. It’s saying good bye to the last place he was. It’s a major step into the future for us, while leaving him behind. It’s not supose to happen like this. It’s not supose to be this way, but it is. I don’t have to like it, but I still have to do it. And I will. I promised Jeff I’d focus on the positives and I will. Or at least I’ll try. I