Trying to keep the “happy face” on.
Trying to keep the house merry and bright.
Trying to not cry.
Trying to not miss Jeff too much.
Trying to establish a “new” normal.
Trying to focus on the good.
We got the stupid tree up, after two weeks of Sally begging. I pretty much let the kids do it all. It looks a little bit “odd”, but the munchkins are happy. Every year I debate putting up the “memorial” ornaments. Each year the girls want to place Jeff’s funeral program on the tree. Ugh! No fair!
but… I’m working on the happy face 8) <—-see
I can do it!!
I still haven’t found the sun yet. It seems to me like things are getting harder and harder. There are so many things that need my attention, too many things to keep on top of. I feel like I am slowly sinking. I’m not sure how to keep my head above water. I’ve been trying to sit back and take things day by day, but thats hard. I’m being pulled so many directions, but yet I don’t know what is important to me. I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight. I’m spending time doing stupid things when I should be focusing on bigger fish.
The kids are really exhausting me. I can’t be the mom I used to be anymore. I can’t be the mom I want to be alone. I miss having the extra pair of hands and eyes. I miss having help. I can’t be both mom and dad to all five kids all at once. I feel like I am letting them down. They deserve more. I have to work so hard to keep them all happy, in the process I end up making myself miserable. I need a break.
We’ve decide that moving back to Minnesota is our best option. I can’t say for sure it will be our forever place, but for now, it all I can do. The kids are not happy about it, but they will be fine. I’m not excited about the whole moving process. This was supose to be our “happily ever after home” We had so many hopes and dreams that centered around here. So many bright spots, so much hope for the future. I have to find new hopes and dreams, with out Jeff. I don”t know if I can, I don’t know if I even want to. I want my old life back, I don’t like this one. I miss Jeff, so much.
way back when, okay a few months ago, I loved Valentines day. Now I am dreading it. Valentines day makes me sad. My Valentine isn’t here. The whole idea behind Valentines day is okay, but why not have everyday be Valentines? Why not celebrate love everyday? Why not send flowers ‘just because’? Why not be grateful and loving everyday? I wish I would have been more grateful and more loving. I wish I would have appreciated Jeff more, told him I loved all the time, hugged him every chance I got, I wish I would have held on and never let him go. I miss him so much. and it’s funny, all the little things, things that bugged me then, are the things I miss the most. I wish I had my Valentine. If he were here, we would have a hearts and red themed day. For supper we’d have heart shaped pancakes, strawberries, and red milk. Jeff and I would give the kids treats. We’d read all those stupid hearts, and then hide them for eachother to find later. We’d hug and hold eachother, and giggle like the kids. We’d fall asleep in eachothers arms. And wake up wrapped around eachother. If only…
I woke up this morning an dthought to my self “Oh No, today is going to be a crappy day”I was thinking that for a number of reasons: it’s like a blizzard outside, so I was not taking the monsters to school and I figured they’d be so mad. And. I didn’t sleep well last night because I had two kids plus a damn cat in my bed with me. And. The main reason, I had a dream about Jeff, I know all of you are thinking awe.. for sweet, but it’s not. He always tells me what to do (kinda like he did when he was alive) It ticks me off. So then in the dream we stand there and “disagree” on what i should be doing, and “discuss” what i am doing wrong (he does this in the nicest way possible) for almost the whole dream. Until the end when he hugs me and kisses me and tries to grap my ass, and then we both leave the dream feeling happy. Until I wake up and think “what a brat, he’s not hear to help me but he still wants things doen his way” Which is exactly like real life, so I focus on the positive (and that fact that he still wants to grab my ass) and carry on. Some days I try and do what he tells me to and other days I say “neener, neener, neener, you can’t make me” But today I will have a good day:
The kids are not mad at me for skipping school, in fact they are happy because all their friends are home too, thank goodness for the internet. The little kids have been playing with the guinea pigs all morning. They are teaching then how to go up and down the stairs and how to have babies (don’t ask), they are having fun.
I can live with out sleep, really “Yawn”
And just for the fun of it, I’ll try and clean up the kitchen, like Jeff suggested. *sticking out my tongue at him*