I have decided to put my focus on a few things.
1. Instead of focusing on what was taken from me, I will focus on what was/is given.
2. I can not control my circumstances, but I can control my reactions to these circumstances. I get to choose how I react.
3. Stupid and cheerful is always a great plan B.
My cousin was killed in a car accident on Sunday. Why do these things keep happening? It’s not fair. He left behind a wife and two little kids, he was only 27. I spent yesterday in a daze. I KNOW what his wife is going through, I KNOW how she is feeling, I KNOW how bad it sucks. I just want to wrap her up in a warm, fuzzy blanket and protect her. I want to save her from all the yucky stuff, and I don’t even know her that well. In fact, if I came at her with a blanket she would probably call the cops….
I want to let her know that things get better, but do they? Not really, they just get different. Sometimes different is good, sometimes different is bad, but most of the time different is just that: Different.
Knowing what she is going through has brought me back, back to those first few mind-numbing weeks. The weeks I don’t really remember much. The “fog”. That haze that is so hard to fight through, the haze that keeps the sun from shining. The haze that pushes down on you and keeps you from feeling. Oh, how I hated that.
Luckily, the haze does lift, little, by little. Small smiles come back. Little giggles. Moments of self-confidence, and success. Surviving each day is success. Heck, showering is a success. They return.
I would love to say that one year is a magic mark. It’s not, I am discovering. The one year mark is just a mark of progress, not completion. I wish I knew when I could be done, I wish I knew when this could be over, but I don’t.
I don’t think grief is a fixable problem. Grief is just a process, a process that you can’t avoid.
In one hour. It will be 6 months since Jeff died. It seems like it’s been longer, and at times it feels like it was just yesterday. Oh, how I miss him.
I really can not believe that this is my life now, how did this happen? Why did this happen? How do I make it better? Why can’t I fix it?
I wish i could flag down the waitress and say “ummm.. excuse me, this isn’t the life I ordered, take it away and bring me my happy life back” (maybe I’d even say please)
I was really hoping to celebrate making it to 6 months, or at least be proud of surviving to 6 months, but neither will be happening. All I want to do is cry and scream “WHY ME, WHY HIM, WHY DO MY KIDS HAVE TO BE WITHOUT THEIR DADDY?” Life is so unfair.
Tomorrow I will make a list of what I am grateful for.
Tomorrow I will buy the kids each a present, but not because I am trying to make up for the fact that their dad died. Okay, I am, but so what….
Tomorrow I will try and be nice to everyone, even the stupid drive-thru chic at Wendy’s.
Tomorrow I will not spend all morning planning how to sneak a nap in, instead I will load the dishwasher (and then nap)
Tomorrow… It will just be another day without Jeff. Another day in the life of ‘poor widdo me’ (heehee that was a funny, did ya catch it? poor widdo/little me..) I am grateful I still have a sense of humor, however warped it may be….
I just don’t get it…
When ever things finally start to seem okay something is always there to kick me back down. I’ve decided to just stand here with a stupid look on my face cuz I just don’t get it… I’m almost afraid to start getting my hopes up again, because the whole disappointment thing is so overwhelmingly depressing.
To start with, I have sick kids. 3/5th are pretty sick. I am getting sick. And Ben, oh Ben has a hurt hand. He went to punch joe and then joe moved so ben ended up punching joe’s hip. Ben’s hand is all bruised and poofy and joe’s hip in fine.
And today I recieved the full accident report. Things on the report are different from what I was lead to believe. This REALLY upset me, and still upsets me. and most likely will forever upset me…
I wish things could be different, I know they can’t, but I wish anyways. Until things get better I am just going to walk around with the Ker-Fluffled look on my face…
Why can’t things be simple? I am so sick of drama. I am so sick of all the emotional engery I have to use to deal with drama. I just want easy, simple, and fun. I want to be carefree again. I want to relax, I want to focus on what I want. I want to do what pleases me and is not just the “right” thing to do.
The kids started school yesterday. They all did well. Sam had a major melt down when I tried to leave him. I expected this, but I wasn’t prepared to listen to his screams all the way through the school. I wasn’t prepared to see marks in my arms from where he was holding on to me so tightly. Oh, it was soo hard to leave him. Today they all took the bus to school, hopefully they will all make it safely. Hopefully school today will be drama free.
I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I’m tired.
I ponder where I’ll be this time next year. I wonder what the future holds, sometimes, if I focus on what will be, the what is isn’t so tough to deal with. Other times, I realize how truely sucky this whole situation really is, and I wonder how in the hell I have made it as long as I have. I keep thinking that if the psych ward offered free childcare I would so be a patient, I’d be first in line, camped out on the sidewalk the night before opening. But alas, I am stuck in my own little sucky reality, for now.
I knew that certain “firsts” were going to be hard. I thought Christmas would be the hardest, I was wrong. There is only one thing worse than having to shop for your baby girl’s first big girl bike alone. That would be, watching her ride it for the first time. I really didn’t see much, I was too busy wiping my tears. It’s odd how it’s the seemingly innocent things that upset me the most.
Oh, and putting the sucking bike together by myself sucked too.
The next few days will be “the begining” but will also be “the end”. The begining of a new chapter in our lives. The begining of actually living our lives once again. The start of the “moving forward process”. Getting the kids back on a schedule, back at school, back to being Kids again. Getting organized, and taking care of ourselves. Being responsible and stable. I am scared.
It will be the end of Jeff’s “happily ever after” that he had planned for all of us. It will be the end of “feeling” him here, near us. It will be the end of the Hayloft, and the Tree fort villiage. It will be like closing a door on what was. I don’t want to. I miss the happily ever after. I wish things were different, I wish we were all back together LIVING the happily ever after. I miss him, I miss him soo much. We all miss him. Life is so unfair.
But, I will do this, I can do this.