ya know, I never thought I’d make it this far. I never imagined I’d be saying “My husband died three years ago” But here I am, saying it. They (whomever “they” are) say time heals all wounds, but they are wrong. Time doesn’t “heal”. Time adds distance, but doesn’t magically make thing all better. “Time” keeps moving forward… Time is one of those things that doesn’t stop when I want it to, it doesn’t slow down and wait for me to catch up, it doesn’t pause when I want to stay in bed and cry. It keeps going…putting distance between my old life with Jeff and this “now” life. All I can do is try and keep up, try and stay in the “now”. Live in the now and look to the future. Oh, it’s fun to visit the past, but thats not where I live, and it seems like the more time I spend visiting the past the harder it is to live in my “now”. Kinda like when you go on vacation, the work doesn’t stop, you still have to do it all when you get back. I’m not sure where I am going with this post.
It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, 3years and 7 days since Jeff died. The kids are…Hmm…where are they? Juli, Sam and Sally are playing in the basement. They have a “fort town” down there. Ben spent the night at “naughty kid’s” house, and Joe is still sleeping. This afternoon I will attempt to put up Christmas decorations. I’ll put on my “everything is peachy” outfit, it goes well with my “everything is fine” smile and deck the halls. Fa-la-la-la… and I will once again wonder what to do with all the Jeff ornaments. I will be sucked back into past Christmas’ some make me smile, but some make me cry.
I hate this time of year, but I can do it