Thanksgiving…

Blah!

I am thankful, really.

although right now, being all bummed out, I can not accurately list everything I am thankful for.  I am thankful tho…..

Day 363

The funeral home gave me this very nice box.  Inside is the guest book, that everyone signed (even the kids), a scrapbook-like book which includes pictures of all the flowers and who they are from, random pics of him growing up and of our family, a transcript of the funeral service, his obituary, and photos of the room where he was for the visitation.  It’s quite lovely.  Also included in this box is a cassette tape.  I have no idea what is on this tape and I am afraid to listen to it.  I’m guessing it’s a recording of the funeral, but who knows.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to listen to it, maybe not.  It seems odd that they would send me a recording of the funeral, really, who wants to relive it? 

but when all is said and done, I am glad I have it.  Those few days were such a blur, I couldn’t even tell you what day his funeral was on without looking it up.  It was Saturday November 24th.  I really had no idea.  I know it was on a Tuesday that he died, I know that because on Tuesdays Ben had early band at school, and that is why we had let the house soo soon after Jeff.  I also remember because we were leaving the house so early I didn’t take the time to get “ready”.  I was still wearing my jammie pants under my jeans and I hadn’t bothered to comb my hair or brush my teeth.  As I was sitting in that little room at the hospital I kept think “man, I wish I had brushed my teeth this morning”  Now I always brush my teeth before I drive anywhere.  I may not always get dressed before leaving the house, but gosh darn, my teeth are clean… Just in case.

I really wish I could remember more from those first few days(or maybe I don’t).  As part of my healing process I am supose to go back and read my blog from those first few days…but I can’t, or maybe I really don’t want to remember.  I dunno, it scares me to think back to those times, I am afraid of getting “stuck” there.  I’m afraid of what I wrote.  How silly is that?

On Thursday, I am not going to be miserable.  I am going to take pictures, because Jeff would want me to and I am going to take a nap, because Jeff would expect me too (he knows how much I love to nap).  I am going to remember the good and not the bad.  I’ll be grateful for what I have and not sad for what I lost.

1Corinthians 13:4-8

Day 362

Before Jeff died I thought I knew what lonely was.  He travelled alot for work, sometimes it would be weeks without him.  Oh how I was wrong…  When he was away for work we could still talk on the phone, and I knew he’d be coming back.  Now there is just this huge empty spot.  I can distract myself, some of the time but things always jump out and say “YOU ARE ALONE!!”  and it’s so many stupid little things…  Like holding hands.  Having someone to ask about your day.  Having someone to do nice things for.  Having someone who appreciates you. 

I loved buying Jeff silly little presents.  I loved helping him pick out clothes.  I loved it when we’d make up our own silly little jokes.  I loved the tickling, wrestling and the physical contact.  I loved having someone think I was hot.

The things that I always took for granted, things that seemed so insignificent, are the things I miss most.  I miss my friend.

Day 360

I have learned that just because right now my life kinda sucks doesn’t excuse me from being a good person. 

It’s still important for me to be a good friend, even if my friends don’t understand that listening to them complain about their husbands breaks my heart.  How are they supose to know?  I forget that they can never understand what I’ve gone through/am going through.  I need to have more patience with my friends.

It is still important for me to practice “random acts of kindness”.  Aside from the fact that it makes me feel good, if I decide I am too cranky to be nice, then I have broken the chain.  I need to hide the dollar bill under the candy bars, I need to make the kid that finds it smile.  I need that and so does the world.

I have learned that you can only put off decisions for so long before they make them self.  Then your stuck with a default, which isn’t always good.

The world does not stop just because I am having a bad day.  I am just a small piece in this giant puzzle.

There is good everywhere, you just have to look.

As long as I have hope and faith I WILL BE OKAY!!!

Day 358

…and then there are the times when I am so frusterated.  There are things that “the man” is supose to do, things that a girl just doesn’t know…  I get ticked off when there is something I can’t do, I get upset because Jeff isn’t here to save me.  Jeff can no longer make it all better.  It sucks.

I hate having to ask for help, I hate having to ask friends to carry heavy things for me.  I hate having to pay someone to fix things that Jeff could take care of in 15 mins.  I hate that my toilet has been “fussy” and no matter how much I plunge, it just isn’t enough. 

…and then I feel guilty.  Guilty because I know Jeff can’t be here.  He can’t fix my toilet, he can’t teach the boys how to shave, he can’t be here…

…And then I just cry…

Widowhood is a roller coaster of emotions.  There is no end, there is no exact time when “you’ll get over it”.  A day can start out on such a high note and then a song, a smell, a word, almost anything can turn the day into a cry-fest.  I so wish I could count on my feelings, but I can not.  I’m sick of this.

Day 357

On a lighter not…

Here are the things I have learned, most of these are things I would rather not.

*Retail thereapy really works, sometimes it’s cheaper than paying a professional, but sometimes it’s not.

*I look horrible when I cry

*You can’t “cry your eyes out” but you can come close

*Being “the boss” isn’t always fun

*Anxiety attacks are no fun

*Kids still grow even when they don’t eat healthy

*Inviting dogs in the house is easier than vacuuming

*Even if you don’t get dressed for a month, you still have to change your jammies

*sometimes friends don’t act like friends, and family doesn’t always behave like family

*Post Tramatic Stress Disorder is worse than PMS

*You can survive months only eating frozen pizza and Mountain Dew

*when you are stressed your hair falls out

*there are very few things better than a nap

Speaking of naps, I have exactly 1.5 hrs of child-free time….Sweet Dreams

Day 356

A lot has happened this last year. 

A lot….

We’ve changed, we’ve grown, we’ve learned.  We’ve started a life in a new place.  We’ve made new friends, we’ve learned independence. 

We’ve lost the dream… We’ve lost the farm, the horses, the tree forts, the adventure trails, the waterfall, the barn, the hayloft.  We all miss that.  We miss our Canadain friends.  We miss our Canadain family.  Losing these were all a choice.  I choose to move back to Minnesota.

When Jeff died, not only did we lose a husband and a dad,  we all lost our innocense.  We lost our leader, our guide, our stability.  There are soo many times I want to ask his opinion, so many times when I want to say “hey Jeff, remember when?”.  I miss the private jokes, I miss the giggles, I miss the fun. 

Where before being happy was easy, now it requires work.  Being sad is easy, finding joy is work now.  Contentment used to be the default, now depression is the default.  It sucks!

The kids have been handling all of these changes.  They have all changed.  Hearing my four yr old discuss “floating soals” with her preschool friends breaks my heart.  Seeing the anger that my six yr old holds inside makes me mad too.  Watching my nine yr old put on a happy face even though she so misses being “daddy’s princess” makes me want to cry.  When I watch my 14 and 13 yr old boys struggle with “guy stuff” I just want to run away, I wonder all the time  “how can I do this?”

Then I remember:  I AM DOING IT!!!  I am doing the best I can, it will never be as pretty as I’d like, but sometimes “good enough”  is all you have.

(and then when all else fails….buy them toys, that always makes them smile and distracts them, when they smile, it’s easier for me to smile.)

Day 355

I often dream of Jeff.  It’s like the same dream over and over again.  In the dream he is not really dead, he is just gone.  Living and working somewhere far away.  He can contact me, but I can not contact him.  I just have to wait for his phone call or visit.  Sometimes I wait months, sometimes only days.  When he does contact me we have great discussions, sometimes disagreements.  It is always a relief to hear from him, even though I am usually upset because I have had to wait for his call and because he left me.  It’s him leaving me that hurts the worst.  In the dreams he has choosen to leave, in reality he didn’t get a choice.

I really prefer this dream to my actual reality.  In fact there have been times when I believed the dream was actually reality.  I hate waking up from these dreams.  At least during the dreams I have some contact with him.  I know he is well.  I can hear his voice, I can hear the pride in his voice when I share stories about the kids.  I miss that soo much, having someone that takes as much pride in the kids as I do, someone to share the funny kid stories with.  Having a partner, having a team mate, knowing that there is someone to watch my back when the kids are throwing snowballs….  Jeff, I miss Jeff.

My goal is to write daily, whether it’s positive or whiney, just to write for the next 10 days.

Day 354

I walked outside today and was almost instantly brought back to that day.  The sharp cold air took me back to our front porch in canada.  It was 5:30am, November 20th.  Jeff had woken me up and pulled me to the outside to see the stars.  Today I could feel that cold, I could almost feel the warmth of him standing behind me.  It took my breath away.  I cried as I drove into town…I cried and I reflected.

Today was the baby shower for my nephew.  Which equals family…Ugh!  They handed out the names for the Christmas gift exchange.  After finding my name, I looked for Jeff’s.  It wasn’t there.  I felt like someone kicked me.  It’s strange how I can be soo torn up inside, but yet outside I look fine…  No one understands why or how a gift exchange list can make me feel that stab, that shock, and finally that feeling of defeat. 

I do not like this…not one bit.