Almost a year….

It seems like so long ago when I held Jeff as we both fell asleep.  How was I to know that Nov 19th 2007 would be my last night with him?  If I would have known that on his way to work he would die in a car accident what would I have done differently?  All of his things that I’d snuggle and smell, no longer smell like him.  I can no longer remember the tiny details of our last morning together.  I sometimes feel like I am losing him all over again.  We have made it through most of the firsts, we’ve survived all of the birthdays without him, is that success?  It feels odd to be proud of such victories, but I am.  I have survived.  I have changed, I have adapted, I have grown.  It hasn’t been pretty, and it surely hasn’t been easy, is it still a success? 

There are times when I am still so scared, and still feel so alone, I miss my other half.  Slowly, I am becoming “whole” again.  Is this good?  All of the time I wonder “why?”.  Why me?  Why do my kids have to grow up without their dad?  How is this fair?  The answer is:  It’s not fair, but I was chosen to experience this, my kids were chosen.  Someone has confidence in us, therefore, so can I.  I can make this new life a success for us all.  I can be a whole person again.  I can do this, whether I want to or not, this is what I must do.  I can fight, I can be miserable, I can throw temper tantrums, but will that change anything?  Nope, all I can do is accept what is, be grateful for what I do have and with one foot in front of the other step into this new life.  Wish me luck!

I know….

I know it’s been a while, but to my credit I have actually written a few things and the deleted them.  So I have written, just not shared.

Being a single parent SUCKS!  I get soo busy trying to keep up with the kids, the house and everything else.  I sometimes think I am insane (maybe I am)  I have no time to just be, which I need so much now.  I’ve been trying to sneak away a couple weekends a month, but that is getting difficult.  No one wants to babysit FIVE kids.  Really, I can’t blame them.  It seems like I miss Jeff more on a practical level now.  I miss him being with us, I miss the help.  I miss his rules, I miss the way the kids listened to him.  I miss the structure he provided our family with.

Ben, Joe and I spent the last 4 days backpacking and camping.  Brr… sleeping in a tent when it’s below freezing is COLD.  Hauling a backpack that weighs more than one-third your body weight is HARD.  I am still sore.  Jeff was always a big outdoors fan, me, not so much.  He used to take the kids hiking and camping all the time.  I was thinking this would be a good way to spend some guy time with the big boys, and honor Jeff’s memory.  I succeeded at both.  Jeff would be soo proud of me.  I did it.  We backpacked 7.6 miles total.  It was fun!! 

I’m not working anymore, I think that is a good thing.  I’ll miss the social time, and the money, but the kids need me more.

Sam and Sally have been sick lately, hacky yucky cough that keeps us all awake at night.  Hopefully that will end soon.

School is going well for all involved.  I went to Ben and Joe’s conferances, and came home mostly pleased.  Juli is doing wonderfully.

We aquired a puppy, she is 8 weeks old and cute.  I’ll post her pic soon.

I guess thats all for now.  I will update on a more regular basis now, I promise.