Ho Ho Ho!

Trying to keep the “happy face” on.

Trying to keep the house merry and bright.

Trying to not cry.

Trying to not miss Jeff too much.

Trying to establish a “new” normal.

Trying to focus on the good.

We got the stupid tree up, after two weeks of Sally begging.  I pretty much let the kids do it all.  It looks a little bit “odd”, but the munchkins are happy.  Every year I debate putting up the “memorial” ornaments.  Each year the girls want to place Jeff’s funeral program on the tree.  Ugh!  No fair!

but… I’m working on the happy face   8)  <—-see

I can do it!!

Fall

Fall is a hard time of year for me.  Jeff and i did so much fun stuff in the fall, sometimes it was just enjoying the fall colors.  Most years we would have a big pumpkin party, complete with a trip to the pumpkin patch.  I loved that, I enjoyed the prep work for the party and I enjoyed the fun time that we shared with friends. 

I know that I can still entertain on my own, but its not the same, at all.  There is no one to stay up late with frantically cleaning the house.  No one to help.  No one to share in that sense of satisfaction after all the guests leave.  I miss it.

I am content with my life now, but I still wish it was different.  I often say “I want my life back”  my life with Jeff.  I miss him.  The kids miss him. 

Since he died I have lived my life, I have tried to live life to the fullest.  Sometimes I succeed.  Sometimes I curl up in my nice warm bed and pull the covers over my head.  And sometimes I just want to scream “Why me??!!”

But still, everyday I wake up and wonder “what will today bring?”  I look at everyday as a gift, a gift from God.

I know….

I know it’s been a while, but to my credit I have actually written a few things and the deleted them.  So I have written, just not shared.

Being a single parent SUCKS!  I get soo busy trying to keep up with the kids, the house and everything else.  I sometimes think I am insane (maybe I am)  I have no time to just be, which I need so much now.  I’ve been trying to sneak away a couple weekends a month, but that is getting difficult.  No one wants to babysit FIVE kids.  Really, I can’t blame them.  It seems like I miss Jeff more on a practical level now.  I miss him being with us, I miss the help.  I miss his rules, I miss the way the kids listened to him.  I miss the structure he provided our family with.

Ben, Joe and I spent the last 4 days backpacking and camping.  Brr… sleeping in a tent when it’s below freezing is COLD.  Hauling a backpack that weighs more than one-third your body weight is HARD.  I am still sore.  Jeff was always a big outdoors fan, me, not so much.  He used to take the kids hiking and camping all the time.  I was thinking this would be a good way to spend some guy time with the big boys, and honor Jeff’s memory.  I succeeded at both.  Jeff would be soo proud of me.  I did it.  We backpacked 7.6 miles total.  It was fun!! 

I’m not working anymore, I think that is a good thing.  I’ll miss the social time, and the money, but the kids need me more.

Sam and Sally have been sick lately, hacky yucky cough that keeps us all awake at night.  Hopefully that will end soon.

School is going well for all involved.  I went to Ben and Joe’s conferances, and came home mostly pleased.  Juli is doing wonderfully.

We aquired a puppy, she is 8 weeks old and cute.  I’ll post her pic soon.

I guess thats all for now.  I will update on a more regular basis now, I promise.

Positives!

Here we go:

I have managed to NOT lose any kids in the last 10 months!

All the children have grown, even without me cooking for them!

The swingset in the back is almost completed!

I enjoy working 2 days a week for my aunt!

When I finally get the boxes in the garage unpacked it’ll be just like Christmas!

Shopping makes me feel better, you should see all my shoes!

I love my camera!

Last time I took the kids out to eat we paid a strangers’ bill.  The kids learned “Random acts of Kindness”

Sally Anne will stay in the bath tub for hours!

I have successfully avoided cooking for 10 months!

Visiting dogs make good vacuums!

Feeling Bi-Polar isn’t so bad…wait… Yes it is!

sad

Sometimes I just feel so sad.  I don’t know why, it’s just all of the sudden, nothing really triggers it, it just happens.  Okay, maybe PMS has something to do with it.  I really just want my old life back, my life with Jeff.  My family life.  I still feel so incomplete.  He is missing.  I’m sick of this, I want him back.

Here are some pics from the first day of school:

 

NINE months

It’s been nine months since Jeff died.  It still seems hard to believe. 

I keep having this same dream- in the dream he is not really dead, he’s just gone, living somewhere far away, I am sad because I miss him so much, but the fact that he is living brings me peace in my dream. 

The kids have all had their first birthday without their dad.  They all got exactly what they asked for.  It still sucked.  Jeff’s birthday is on Friday, he should be 39, not 38 forever.

I really can’t believe I have made it this long without him.  The reality of raising 5 kids alone has really begun to hit me.  The future scares me.  Right now I can’t keep up with everything how in the world am I going to do it once I am working full-time.  The kids will be on their own, they will lose me too.  (okay, slight exageration, but still true)  It’s just not fair, at all.

Why is it that my kids have to grow up without their dad?  I can handle my loss, but it’s the kids’ loss that really hurts me.  They deserve to have their dad with them.  Teaching them, cheering them on, mentoring them, being their buddy and their role-model.  I feel inadiquate.  I can’t fix this, I can’t make it all better.  A band-aid will not fix the sadness they feel.  Moms are supose to make everything all better, I can’t fix this.  I see them look at other families, I see them attach themselves to other kids’ dads.  It breaks my heart.  I just don’t understand how come these kids have to suffer.

School starts soon.  Some of the kids are excited.  I managed to get most of their school clothes bought last weekend.  I think we’ll be ready on time.  I need to get organized.  I keep trying, but then I just give up, it’s easier.  I’ve always been a little bit lazy, but now, I am a slug.  I think I need a nanny, can stay-at-home moms have nannies????

I’ll update again soon, this next week will be nuts…. wish me luck!

Ya know…

I wish there was a book with all the answers to all the questions I have.  A book the simply spells it out and tells me what I am supose to do.  An instruction manual of sorts.

I wish there was a magic potion that would make me feel “normal”, not that I was ever normal to begin with, but I want to be the person I was.  I miss the innocense, the confidence, the silliness of who I was.  I miss the love, the stability, the togetherness, I miss my team mate.  My partner-in-crime.  I miss my Jeffy.

The life I am living now seems “second best”.  I am just being, instead of living.  Everything is fine from the outside, but on the inside, I hurt.  Not all the time, but a lot of the time.  I am emotionally exhausted, not only to I have my grief to deal with, but the grief of five innocent kids.  Kids who don’t fully understand why their daddy was taken from them.  I can’t be mommy and daddy to five kids, I have been trying and failing.  I need to find a happy medium.  Instead of trying to be mommy and daddy I need to be “maddy” or “dommy” (not dummy).  I have to balance, but I soo lack coordination. 

Life now doesn’t suck all the time.  There are bright spots. 

School starts soon

I have a part-time job I like

I have widowed friends I see once a month

I have decided church is a good thing

I have let the kids have more independance

I have learn how to drive in the Cities

I took the kids to the beach and no one drowned

Okay, enough…

See, things are okay enough.

Independence Day

WooHoo!!  Happy 4th.  I’m being sarcastic.  Another Holiday alone.  It’s odd how you can feel so alone even when you are surrounded by people.  It makes the “alone-ness” so much more profound.  When I see other couples happy and together I get so jealous, I hate being jealous.  I want that back, I want happy together.

Mr. Clean magic eraser removes pen from walls as well as arms and legs.

When kids play drums at 2:30am, and then mom plays drums at 7am, kids don’t play drums at 2:30am anymore.

 

To remove the ding ding from a cow you tie a rope around it, Sam says it doesn’t hurt the cows tho…

If you take the horns off a cow, does that make them less horny?  Laura wants to know (LOL)

When you are laying in bed all alone, having a big hairy dog jump in with you does not make you less lonely, just more hairy.

Even if she is cute!

Juli has learned the value of wearing shoes when cute dog is visiting.  Ewww…Poo…!

Hanging out with depressed people when you are depressed is not a good plan.

When you live in the middle of nowhere, you get only country music stations, and country music is soo depressing.

When the daycare lady asks what your children like to eat and you don’t know, maybe you should start cooking again. 

When you complete your daily to-do list it’s a wonderful feeling, when you almost complete it, you still feel good.  When you cross of everything except “cook supper” It’s still okay.  (note to mandated reporters:  My children do eat and are growing)

Have a great Independence Day!!  (Independence Sucks, I want someone to depend on)

Animals @ the Zoo!

Today is Ben’s birthday.  He’s 14.  I really can’t believe it.  He wanted a drum set, so we went and picked one out today.  How come drums don’t come with earplugs? 

Sam and Sally are enjoying daycare.  They have lots of fun and lots of friends there.  Their daycare is on a farm, so it’s kind of like in Canada.  Today Sam and his friend hung out in the barn while they de-horned and casterated the cattle.  Gotta love life lessons.

Juli stays busy running the neighborhood with her little friend, yesterday they had a lemonade stand.  She is ALWAYS outside.  She sleeps very well at night.  Yay!!

Joe’s birthday is coming up in August, he’ll be 13.  He has grown soo much.  He’s almost as tall as I am.  He also has that lovely puberty attitude.

I’ve spent the last week catching up on house stuff and laundry, trying to get organized for our trip to Canada.  The drive sucks, but visiting will be nice.

I’m kinda sad today.  I lost a friend.  They don’t have time to be a friend to me right now.  I understand, but it still makes me sad.  I’ve gotten through worse though, I’ll get through this.  8(

Uuuggghhhh!  I’m starting to really dislike the drums.

Time Flies

Last Year, at this time we were packing for our move to Canada.  Amazing how much has changed since then.  I thought moving to Canada would suck.  After living in Red Wing for 9 years, I was not happy about the move.  Suprisingly enough, I enjoyed it, I was actually shocked at how wrong I had been.  Moving to Canada was the best thing for our family.  We became so close during that time, the kids LOVED having their dad home more, Jeff had been right, I was wrong.

We spent 4 months together in Canada before he died.  Only 4 short months, just a teasing taste of how great “normal” life could be.  Then he died.  The kids and I spent 5 months in Canada without him.  Those are the days I can’t remember, the days I try and forget.  I don’t know how I survived that time, honestly.

June 22nd, 2008, 8 days ago would have been our 10 year anniversery.  10 years!  almost ONE THIRD of my life was spent with Jeff.  I want that time back.  Almost all my adult life was shared with him, who is there to share with now?  Who am I without him? 

In 8 days the kids and I are going back to Canada for a visit.  In 8 days I will have to bring my children to the cemetary to visit their daddy’s grave.  How do I do this?

It’s been 7 months + 10 days.  About 220 days total.  About 5,280 hours.  About 316,800 minutes.  About 19,008,000 seconds.  I wonder, what if i would have counted out all of those seconds?  I wonder how many of those seconds I spent crying?  How many of those seconds I was angry? 

How many of those seconds would have saved his life?  Two?  Three? 

Time is a funny thing, cherish every second. 

You never know which second can change your life.