I just don’t get it…

I really hate the fact that I can be strolling along, all smooth and okay, and then WAM!  Just like that, my day sucks.  (maybe that’s how Nancy Carrigan felt…)  I feel knocked down, totally.  One little thing, the lady at the grocery store asked how me and the kids were doing.  I said “well, were doing okay I guess”  and then I start thinking that really, our life really sucks right now.  I hate when I have to leave my little fantacy land and face reality, because really, right now, everything sucks!  I wish I didn’t have to be the “poor widow with five little kids”  I want to be that “fun young family that moved here from the states” again.  I want to be fun, and happy, and a family.  a complete family, with a dad!  I feel like things are slipping away, little by little.  I feel like every day is a step further away from the way we used to be, when we still had Jeff.  I miss him so bad.  I miss cuddling in his arms.  I miss him keeping me warm at night, now all I have is a squirming 3 yr old and a damn cat in my bed.  Not fair! 

On a happier note:  I was able to please Ben last night (well, kind of)  He wanted stuffing for supper.  So I fixed a gourmet meal of chicken, potatoes, and stuffing.  Really it was chicken nuggets, tater tots and STUFFING!  HA!  Ben was not real impressed.


7 responses to “I just don’t get it…

  1. Well if it makes you feel any better, I think of you first as that hot chick that cracks me up. The widow thing comes second. Maybe you need to do something wild…like get a ton of tattoos. Then you could be the hot tattooed chick?

  2. Or you can be the hot tattooed widow. Full of mystery and surprises. My friend lost her husband and renamed herself the wackiest widow west river. I think it takes time to get to that place though. This does suck full time!

  3. Oh my gosh!! My whole post today is about my tattoo in honor of my friend who has been gone almost two years. Interesting that Jenny said that today. It seems pretty unanimous, from now on you are hot and tattooed first (you probably should get the tattoo, but you can always borrow fake ones from your kids). Yes you are a widow now, and I can’t imagine the many changes you will face but you are STILL you. You’re a different you, but if you can, embrace that and remember the core of your being will never change.

  4. Sounds like a good dinner to me. My daughter LOVES stuffing, and would be happy to have just the stuffing for dinner.

  5. Wow, I have just stumbled upon your blog today and have never felt so incredibly small and selfish in my life. You are a remarkable woman with tremendous strength. Your ability to go through life every day is just an inspiration.
    Now, tell the kid to consider himself lucky to get stuffing. Would have told my kid to tear up a piece of bread and call it stuffing! Seriously good nuggets to go with it, sounds like a gourmet dinner to me.
    I can not begin to imagine the feelings you must experience each and every day. Not exactly how you planned to be spending your days or nights at this point in life for sure. Would it help to imagine a pathetic stranger teetering on the edge of a vast king size bed with 5 cats and 2 dogs taking all but about 2 inches on the side for their spot? No probably not, but worth a shot.
    One day, one minute at a time. Just know that through the worst moments, he is still there in your heart.

  6. Would Ben be less or more impressed if I told him that my husband calls chicken nuggets “butt nuggets”? In reference to the questionable meat content. Doesn’t stop us from eating them, of course…

    So gross, I know, but maybe it will give you a laugh the next time you serve them up.

  7. First visit to your blog. This is “Waiting” from the boards (well more like chat, I don’t post much). When we moved here there was a woman across the street who had lost her husband when she was 37. They had five children. When we moved in they were all grown. I remember saying to my husband,”How awful for her, but what a wonderful job she did with her kids.” and then I lost my own at 37. How humbling that was.

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