Answers

When you take a test, some answers are either right or wrong.  Like multiple choice, if B is right then A, C, and D are wrong.  I can handle that.  When there are essay questions, thats when I have a problem.  Essay questions leave so much room for the “what if’s” and the “maybes”  I feel like my life is now full of essay questions.

Questions that really have no right or wrong answers, questions that take so much effort and insight to answer.  Or maybe it’s me?  Maybe I am afraid to commit to an answer, maybe I don’t have the energy to write the paragraphs required to arive at the correct answer.  I feel like I am constantly second guessing myself.  I have no one to say “hey Laura, that was a dumb thing to do, but don’t worry, I’ll fix it”  Like Jeff used to do.  Who will fix my mistakes?  Who will do my proof reading before I turn in the paper?  I have no one to collaberate with.  That, I think, is what I miss.  That, I think, is what is holding me back.   I’m not sure how to fix it, I’m not sure where my confidence has gone.  Where are my decision making skills?  Instead of making decisions, I put them off, waiting for answers to hit me over the head or for someone else to make them for me.  I can not continue on this way.  I need to take control.  I need to be responsible.  But… I don’t wanna.

I have realized that my children are angry.  with me.  not because of things I did or didn’t do, but simply because their dad died.  They need to be angry, and I am here.  So Tah-Dah, I am the bad guy.  I am glad I figured this out.  I was really wondering why they hated me so.  I only wish I knew how to make it better for them.  I wish I could absorb their pain, their hurt, and their anger.  I wish they could return to that innocence, that peace, that happiness that Jeff and I created for them.  That security of knowing things were okay, they lost that.  I understand their anger, but I can’t fix it.  Their anger is normal, as is my anger, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it away.

I am really hoping things will start falling into a new “normal” now.  I want to be a family again.

I made it 3 months

As of last Wednesday it has been 3 months.  All of the experienced widows I know say that 3 months and 6 months are the hardest.  I survived 3 months, so that gives me hope.  I hate this.  I really wish Tuesdays could just be Tuesdays and that the 20th could just be the 20th.  

On Tuesday I went and picked out the cemetary marker.  It’s exactly what I was hoping for.  The stone is a beautiful green color, almost the exact same color as his eyes.  He used to hate it when I’d always encourage him to wear green.  Now he’ll be stuck with green forever, I did make sure that the writing on the stone was black and the vases on the marker are black, I figured I’d compromise.  I’m such a nice girl…

I have been working hard to push myself from this rut.  Okay, I’ve just been napping alot.  No really, I have been looking all over for positives, I have found a few.  I’m trying really hard to get excited about the move, mostly tho, because I need the kids to be excited.  Excited, happy kids are way easier to deal with then grumpy miserable kids.  I figure too, the longer I fake happy, the more I’ll be forced to feel happy. 

And I’ll leave you with this little tid bit of cool information:

There are no words that rhyme with orange, purple, silver and month.  This is what I do instead of sleeping at night.  I thought to myself “hmm.. I’ve been trying to rhyme these colors for a month.  Month.. Month… Hey there is nothing that rhymes with month either.”  That’s when I got up out of bed and got myself a glass of wine. 

Happy V-Day

I have been fighting my way back into the sun.  The last few days have seemed so gray, so cloudy, but now it’s more like partly sunny, or partly cloudy, depending on if your glass is half full or half empty. 

I have all of my secret Valentines sent out.  I was at the florist yesterday.  I was going to send flowers to ME, but then I decided to send some to other lonely people too.  But I didn’t forget ME!  I also bought a bottle of wine (okay, i bought 3), a good book and some comfy jammies.  I’m going to cuddle up and read on Valentines Day until I get too drunk tired, and then I’ll fall asleep and dream of Jeff.  Sounds good to me.  When I told you all to reach out and touch someone this Valentines, I didn’t necessarily mean ME.  I’m not complaining, I love all the cards and treats, I just feel kind of guilty now (but only a little bit).  Thank you all so much, for everything, You are the bestest blog readers ever!! 

Have a happy day tomorrow, and hug your Valentine a few extra times for me.  I’ll be hugging Jeff’s pillow all night, wishing he was here with me.  It’s been 12 weeks as of yesterday since I last kissed him.  Happy V-Day in Heaven Jeffy, I wuv woo!

Regrets…

I have been really down lately.  I’m having a really hard time fighting my way back.  and I’m lazy, and it’s sooo much work to stay positive.  ( Wah, wah, wah..)  But I promised Jeff I would.  When I was picking out what he would wear to his funeral I stashed a note in is pocket.  In the note I promised him a bunch of things, things I am having trouble doing.  I wish things could be easier, actually I just wish I didn’t have to try so hard.  I can’t let him down, and I won’t.  After today I will go back to focusing on the positive, ant little positive I can find.  I promise, Jeff. 

Funny side note:  Ben was doing flips on my bed today and I said to him “stop it, your dad would be so mad.”  Ben replied “I know, that’s why I waited til he wasn’t looking”  I said “watch out because he sees everything now”  And Ben cameback with “yeah, but he can’t see everything all at once”  and flipped again.  I love kids.

There are so many things that I wish I would have gotten to say to him, there are so many things I wish we would have done together.  I really wish i would have appreciated him more.  It’s really true:  You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  I miss him so much.  There are times when it almost seems impossible that he is gone, and other times when it’s so painfully obvious that he isn’t here.  I hate this!

I told Sally that when she is sleeping daddy angel sneaks in and kisses her.  I hope that is true, and I hope he sneaks in and gives me a kiss tonight too.  I really need it.

Weekend fun (or something)

Now I understand why no one wants to hang out with me, because it’s no fun to hang out with sad people.  It makes you sad, and that’s like self-inflicted torture.  Who wants to be first in line for that?  So, all my dear friends who have been avoiding me, I forgive you.   

On to the in-laws.  They are nice people.  Jeff is/was just like his parents.  And I am exactly the opposite of Jeff (opposites do attract).  So you can see, we have our differences.  They love the kids like crazy, but no matter how much you love them, 5 kids, all of them at once is a wee bit overwhelming, for anyone.  Especially for two people who have lived kid-less for years (and have a really clean house).  They handle all of us as well as possible, but I think everyone gets a bit stressed. 

We had a belated Christmas dinner (that would be one of the first times my kids have had “real” food in months), the munchkins got gifts, and I got to sleep.  What more could you ask for?  Apparently though, my kids are getting skinny and I need to start feeding them.  They were complaining to grandma that they never got fed at home, traitors!  I even made sure to cook on Friday, just in case someone asked them.  Brats!  All in all it was an okay weekend, it was sad, to see his parents so sad, and to see his sister cry, thank goodness for Zoloft, or I would have been a wreck.   

On a happier note:  In addition to all the “oh, you look like shit” comments, I received a couple of “your nothing but skin and bones” comments and one marvelous “wow, have you been working out?”  “why yes, I spend about 45 mins a day splitting wood for the wood stove”  so now I look like a shitty, skin and bones LUMBERJACK!  Just what I’d always hoped for!  Thanks so much. 

At least in my dreams Jeff still thinks I’m hot.  Gosh, I miss him!