so, while ive been feeling all hum-bug-ish, and wallowing in my own bath of self-pity Jenny (the blogess) has been spreading lots of christmas joy all over the world. on her blog she has matched up people who have christmas needs with people who want to help. at last count I think she had coordinated helping out like 800 people. amazing. that really makes me smile. I like her!
check it out, the comments will make you cry http://thebloggess.com/
Trying to keep the “happy face” on.
Trying to keep the house merry and bright.
Trying to not cry.
Trying to not miss Jeff too much.
Trying to establish a “new” normal.
Trying to focus on the good.
We got the stupid tree up, after two weeks of Sally begging. I pretty much let the kids do it all. It looks a little bit “odd”, but the munchkins are happy. Every year I debate putting up the “memorial” ornaments. Each year the girls want to place Jeff’s funeral program on the tree. Ugh! No fair!
but… I’m working on the happy face 8) <—-see
I can do it!!
I have decided to put my focus on a few things.
1. Instead of focusing on what was taken from me, I will focus on what was/is given.
2. I can not control my circumstances, but I can control my reactions to these circumstances. I get to choose how I react.
3. Stupid and cheerful is always a great plan B.
ya know, I never thought I’d make it this far. I never imagined I’d be saying “My husband died three years ago” But here I am, saying it. They (whomever “they” are) say time heals all wounds, but they are wrong. Time doesn’t “heal”. Time adds distance, but doesn’t magically make thing all better. “Time” keeps moving forward… Time is one of those things that doesn’t stop when I want it to, it doesn’t slow down and wait for me to catch up, it doesn’t pause when I want to stay in bed and cry. It keeps going…putting distance between my old life with Jeff and this “now” life. All I can do is try and keep up, try and stay in the “now”. Live in the now and look to the future. Oh, it’s fun to visit the past, but thats not where I live, and it seems like the more time I spend visiting the past the harder it is to live in my “now”. Kinda like when you go on vacation, the work doesn’t stop, you still have to do it all when you get back. I’m not sure where I am going with this post.
It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, 3years and 7 days since Jeff died. The kids are…Hmm…where are they? Juli, Sam and Sally are playing in the basement. They have a “fort town” down there. Ben spent the night at “naughty kid’s” house, and Joe is still sleeping. This afternoon I will attempt to put up Christmas decorations. I’ll put on my “everything is peachy” outfit, it goes well with my “everything is fine” smile and deck the halls. Fa-la-la-la… and I will once again wonder what to do with all the Jeff ornaments. I will be sucked back into past Christmas’ some make me smile, but some make me cry.
I hate this time of year, but I can do it
Ya know how when you are watching the weather channel and they predict storms you think “Yuck”. You aren’t quite sure what to expect. You tend to think back to the last storm and wonder if it will be that severe, or you may think back to the worst storm you ever experienced and wonder if it will be as horible. You also may think back to the worst storm you ever heard about and hope it’s not nearly as tramatic.
One think I “like” about being a widow and having “weathered” the worst storm imagineable is that now I just think to myself… “Hmmm…it can’t be nearly as bad as losing my husband, so whatever it is will be okay” Once you’ve made it through the worst everything else is a bump in the road. Kind of odd, but yet also kind of comforting.
There is no real point to this post, just a random thought, maybe I’ll expand on later, but for now, I’ll simply ponder…
I hope this week brings you all great big belly laughs and quiet moments of contentment.
Fall is a hard time of year for me. Jeff and i did so much fun stuff in the fall, sometimes it was just enjoying the fall colors. Most years we would have a big pumpkin party, complete with a trip to the pumpkin patch. I loved that, I enjoyed the prep work for the party and I enjoyed the fun time that we shared with friends.
I know that I can still entertain on my own, but its not the same, at all. There is no one to stay up late with frantically cleaning the house. No one to help. No one to share in that sense of satisfaction after all the guests leave. I miss it.
I am content with my life now, but I still wish it was different. I often say “I want my life back” my life with Jeff. I miss him. The kids miss him.
Since he died I have lived my life, I have tried to live life to the fullest. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I curl up in my nice warm bed and pull the covers over my head. And sometimes I just want to scream “Why me??!!”
But still, everyday I wake up and wonder “what will today bring?” I look at everyday as a gift, a gift from God.
I am so happy for the miners in chile. I stayed up all night watching as they brought each one to the surface. I went through so many tissures, crying and smiling in equal ammounts. Can you imagine being the miners being brought up? How odd to “rejoin” the world after being away for 2 months. Can you imagine being the wives and families of the guys? To finally have your loved one back in your arms… Ahhh…
And the wonders of technology, to be able to accomplish this amazing feat. The ability to be able to keep them alive for 2 months at 2000 ft below ground. I love it! I love the geeks and nerds of this world. Soo stinking cool!!!