Laura’s Zoo Up North, with Bears, Moose and Wolves

I’m sorry for the lack of updates.  I hate writing when I am down, and when I am up it’s such a whirlwind. 

Things here in our little theme park are umm.. OKAY.  Not good, but not too bad.  The kids have been busy, which is good.  I have been busy which keeps me distracted. 

I wish I had something profound to say, but I don’t.  Being widowed sucks.  Everyday it sucks, some days it really sucks, and some days it sorts sucks.  (how’s that for profound?)

More later, after I nap *yawn*.  I wish I wasn’t always so tired.  It’s a good thing I love my bed.

I often sit and wonder “what’s next?”  And then I realize that wondering that may bring on more chaos.  I want to be happy, ya think if I just totally fake it long enough that it will happen?  Do I have the energy to even bother?

(editted to remove more whining)

I started working a few nights a week, and… I like it.  Getting out of the house, talking to people, and actually having a reason to get dressed ROCKS.  Although it does kind of cut into my whining time, and the endless hours of sitting in front of the computer aimlessly clicking on whatever looks cool.  So I’m thinking it may be a good thing. 

I don’t think I like living here.  I realize it’s only been a few months, so I”ll wait until spring.  If it still sucks then I’ll consider moving.  I’m looking at a bigger town about an hour from here, it has a good college, I may just go back to school.  I’ll have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up first tho  (besides being the poor widow with 5 kids)

The kids are doing well.  I have started gardening again.  I will clean my house one day.  I want a long vacation all by myself. 

Enough for now!

It feels like I have spent the last 8 months constantly treading water, always in motion, but never getting anywhere.  I have no direction, just trying to stay afloat, survival.  I lack passion, I lack inspiration.  Why bother?

Jeff was such a huge part of my life, a huge part of who I was.  With him gone I don’t know who I am.  For almost 10 years we amused eachother, we played together.  Sometimes it was games of his choosing and sometimes it was my favorite activities, but we did them together.  Together is no more.  His games are no fun without him playing too and my games just serve as constant reminders of what I don’t have.  I need to find new interests.  But how?  What do I like?  What is fun? 

Where do I go from here?  I feel like I should start living again, but I don’t know how to start.  Where does one begin finding a new life?  finding ME?  Where am I?  Who am I now?  I feel like it’s a constant game of hide and seek.  I can find distractions, I can find joy, but it’s fleeting.  Just out of my reach, even with my monkey arms.  I want to be happy, I want to be joyful and smiling.  I NEED to be. 

I need to find a floatie.  I wanna plop my butt down and rest my tired body.  and float.  Let the wind carry me.  Let the sun warm me and just BE for a while… While I am floating I will lookfor who am I now, and maybe who I want to be…

But in the mean time I will keep kicking my legs to keep my head above water.  I will reach out when I can and just go with the flow when I need to rest.  I have faith everything will be okay, I just need patience to wait for it.

We’re still in Canada enjoying the hospitality of the in-laws.  We’ve done lots of fun things and we are all doing okay.

I just wanted to pop on and let everyone know how awesome the cemetary is.  No, really, it is very comforting.  I sat out there today, on Jeff’s spot, for an hour or so and just chatted with him.  It was so peaceful.  I almost regret having him buried here instead of close to me, in Minnesota, but his family needs him here.  (and I think he likes it here)  I placed 5 beautiful butterflies next to his headstone, they look so cute, but also so sad.

I miss him…

I’ll update more when I get back to MN.

WooHoo!!  Happy 4th.  I’m being sarcastic.  Another Holiday alone.  It’s odd how you can feel so alone even when you are surrounded by people.  It makes the “alone-ness” so much more profound.  When I see other couples happy and together I get so jealous, I hate being jealous.  I want that back, I want happy together.

Mr. Clean magic eraser removes pen from walls as well as arms and legs.

When kids play drums at 2:30am, and then mom plays drums at 7am, kids don’t play drums at 2:30am anymore.

To remove the ding ding from a cow you tie a rope around it, Sam says it doesn’t hurt the cows tho…

If you take the horns off a cow, does that make them less horny?  Laura wants to know (LOL)

When you are laying in bed all alone, having a big hairy dog jump in with you does not make you less lonely, just more hairy.

Even if she is cute!

Juli has learned the value of wearing shoes when cute dog is visiting.  Ewww…Poo…!

Hanging out with depressed people when you are depressed is not a good plan.

When you live in the middle of nowhere, you get only country music stations, and country music is soo depressing.

When the daycare lady asks what your children like to eat and you don’t know, maybe you should start cooking again. 

When you complete your daily to-do list it’s a wonderful feeling, when you almost complete it, you still feel good.  When you cross of everything except “cook supper” It’s still okay.  (note to mandated reporters:  My children do eat and are growing)

Have a great Independence Day!!  (Independence Sucks, I want someone to depend on)

Today is Ben’s birthday.  He’s 14.  I really can’t believe it.  He wanted a drum set, so we went and picked one out today.  How come drums don’t come with earplugs? 

Sam and Sally are enjoying daycare.  They have lots of fun and lots of friends there.  Their daycare is on a farm, so it’s kind of like in Canada.  Today Sam and his friend hung out in the barn while they de-horned and casterated the cattle.  Gotta love life lessons.

Juli stays busy running the neighborhood with her little friend, yesterday they had a lemonade stand.  She is ALWAYS outside.  She sleeps very well at night.  Yay!!

Joe’s birthday is coming up in August, he’ll be 13.  He has grown soo much.  He’s almost as tall as I am.  He also has that lovely puberty attitude.

I’ve spent the last week catching up on house stuff and laundry, trying to get organized for our trip to Canada.  The drive sucks, but visiting will be nice.

I’m kinda sad today.  I lost a friend.  They don’t have time to be a friend to me right now.  I understand, but it still makes me sad.  I’ve gotten through worse though, I’ll get through this.  8(

Uuuggghhhh!  I’m starting to really dislike the drums.

Last Year, at this time we were packing for our move to Canada.  Amazing how much has changed since then.  I thought moving to Canada would suck.  After living in Red Wing for 9 years, I was not happy about the move.  Suprisingly enough, I enjoyed it, I was actually shocked at how wrong I had been.  Moving to Canada was the best thing for our family.  We became so close during that time, the kids LOVED having their dad home more, Jeff had been right, I was wrong.

We spent 4 months together in Canada before he died.  Only 4 short months, just a teasing taste of how great “normal” life could be.  Then he died.  The kids and I spent 5 months in Canada without him.  Those are the days I can’t remember, the days I try and forget.  I don’t know how I survived that time, honestly.

June 22nd, 2008, 8 days ago would have been our 10 year anniversery.  10 years!  almost ONE THIRD of my life was spent with Jeff.  I want that time back.  Almost all my adult life was shared with him, who is there to share with now?  Who am I without him? 

In 8 days the kids and I are going back to Canada for a visit.  In 8 days I will have to bring my children to the cemetary to visit their daddy’s grave.  How do I do this?

It’s been 7 months + 10 days.  About 220 days total.  About 5,280 hours.  About 316,800 minutes.  About 19,008,000 seconds.  I wonder, what if i would have counted out all of those seconds?  I wonder how many of those seconds I spent crying?  How many of those seconds I was angry? 

How many of those seconds would have saved his life?  Two?  Three? 

Time is a funny thing, cherish every second. 

You never know which second can change your life.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again… One of the hardest things about being a widow is the ups and downs.  Everything can be going along all fine and dandy and then WHAM!  It’s like someone punches you really hard in the stomach.  Everything changes, in an instant.  All those content, positive moments I’ve worked so hard for are gone and replaced with fear, uncertainity, loneliness and pain, yes, actually physical pain.  Missing Jeff actually hurts.

But, I do know there is sunshine.  At the end of all this, whenever that “end” may be, I know that there will be a time when I can be happy again.  A time when the clouds will part for more then a few minutes at a time, a time when I will be able to bask in the warm, shining light.  I have FAITH!! 

I keep thinking that I was given “this” because I am supose to learn something.  I keep thinking that the faster I learn what ever “it” is, then I will be able to be happy again.  I have been staying “open” hoping that the lesson will come sooner than later.  Then the thought occured to me that maybe I am wrong.  Maybe I don’t have to learn from this, maybe this isn’t a test. 

But then I wonder…. WHY???

Tough love is so hard under regular circumstances, but under these circumstances it breaks my heart.  All I really want is to see the kids happy.  Happy kids means kissing their collective butts.  Good parents don’t do that.  Good parents make their kids behave and listen.  Good parents don’t buy their kids things, just to see them smile. 

I need to be a good parent, even if I don’t want too.  Even if it breaks my heart.  I have to be in charge.  I haven’t been a good parent for the last seven months.  The time has come.  I hope I can do it.  (and I hope the kids don’t hate me for it)

Wish me luck.

I took a time out from my life to help a friend with some projects.  It felt really good to help someone else, instead of being helped.  It also felt good to just be ME for a while.  It felt good to escape for a bit.  It’s amazing how a two days break can change your outlook.  I feel a bit better, more centered, more accepting. 

Thank your for reading and thanks for all the comments.  I’ll update more tomorrow…