This time of year…

I hate this time of year.  everyone is so happy and excited for the holidays, i just look ahead with dread…  I wonder how long it will take to actually be happy about thanksgiving and christmas again.  I feel bad because the kids deserve to have that fun and excitement again, but now matter how hard i try, my heart is still not in it.  This year it will be even harder because there is very little money for presents.  which makes me feel even worse.  ugh!

I hate being so whiney all the time, I hate being so alone, even with 5 kids i am always so lonely. 

Yuck, Yuck, Yuck!!!

I want my life back…

All in all things are going pretty well, but everything is different. Sometimes it is so painfully obvious how much things have changed. My life is gone, and it’s not coming back. Things will never be like they were when Jeff was alive. I have spent the last year trying to make them be the same and have failed. I just can’t do it. (i’m having acceptence issues) I want my family back! I want to be a wife. I want to be a whole family. I want my kids to have a dad. I want to be loved. I miss it soo stinking much!

In the mean time…. kids are doing pretty well. Ben and Joe are both in high school now (ACK) Sally started kindergarten (Jeff would be so proud) Juli and Sam are doing very well. They all have friends and seem generally happy.

I wish I was.

I still have flooded Hoffman house to sell. Know anyone who wants to by a moldy house? I am still paying too much for rent. Ben needs $450 to go on the school band trip to Chicago (where is that money tree?) I am now working, fun job, but pays minimum wage, and ends in a few weeks. I still can’t get housework done. My kids still won’t eat real food, but they are growing (thank goodness for the Goodwill) I hate being bummed out! I hate being loney! I hate having to do everything BY MYSELF!!!

I want my life back…

An Update (Finally)

Soooo… We have moved again.  I think it is one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.  Financially it was a stupid decision, but in all other aspects it ROCKS.

I am so much happier.  We’ve found a fantastic church, who has been like family.  I’ve started taking swing dance lessons once a week.  I’ve made friends, I’ve started volunteering again.  It’s like I have awakened from a long sleep.

The kids are doing GREAT here!  Ben and Joe both like school.  They enjoy the church youth group, and have made lots of friends.  Juli and Sam have a blast at school and Sam actually goes WILLINGLY!  They also enjoy the church and have made many new friends in the neighborhood.  I’m actually looking forward to summer so I can have all the neighborhood kids playing in my yard.  Sally is LOVING church.  She is such a social girl, and loves to sing. 

I can not believe how my general outlook on life has changed so much, this move has been like a new start, for all of us.  I LOVE it!  The only thing that would make it better would be if Jeff was here to share all of this with us.  I miss him!

Why boys need to be watched closely…

Why boys need to be watched closely…

 

Boys will put things in the toilet

Boys think it’s cool to play with fire

Electrical outlets + forks = cool hair-do

No matter how many cool toys they have, They will always

Choose to play with things they shouldn’t (even when they are 13)

Boys think they can fly

Luckily they also bounce.

Welcome to MY world!  LOL

 

One year ago yesterday

February 18, 2008 • (I wrote this almost exactly 1 yr ago)
According to my therapist I am supposed to read my blog as part of the healing process, I haven’t been able to read it in its entirety, but I am read bits and pieces. I thought this entry was kinda neat, some things just haven’t changed at all. (orig. post is in black, updates in blue)
I still haven’t found the sun yet. It seems to me like things are getting harder and harder. There are so many things that need my attention, too many things to keep on top of. I feel like I am slowly sinking. I’m not sure how to keep my head above water. I’ve been trying to sit back and take things day by day, but thats hard. I’m being pulled so many directions, but yet I don’t know what is important to me. I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight. I’m spending time doing stupid things when I should be focusing on bigger fish.
(I am getting better at this, I keep a list of priorities. It’s not a to-do list, it’s just a list of what is important, and what I need to be focused on. I still sink, but not as often. Yay! Progress)

 
( I have accepted this. I will always be exhausted, and I will always need a break. All I can do is my best, and if it is not perfect, so be it. It will get better, my best will get better.)

The kids are really exhausting me. I can’t be the mom I used to be anymore. I can’t be the mom I want to be alone. I miss having the extra pair of hands and eyes. I miss having help. I can’t be both mom and dad to all five kids all at once. I feel like I am letting them down. They deserve more. I have to work so hard to keep them all happy, in the process I end up making myself miserable. I need a break.

 
(Heehee! We are moving again in NINE days. I still hate the moving process. The kids are okay with this move, well, except for ben. They will be fine, I will too. I am still searching for the “happily ever after”, but at least I am hopeful. I still miss Jeff with all my heart, I always will.)

We’ve decide that moving back to Minnesota is our best option. I can’t say for sure it will be our forever place, but for now, it all I can do. The kids are not happy about it, but they will be fine. I’m not excited about the whole moving process. This was supose to be our “happily ever after home” We had so many hopes and dreams that centered around here. So many bright spots, so much hope for the future. I have to find new hopes and dreams, with out Jeff. I don”t know if I can, I don’t know if I even want to. I want my old life back, I don’t like this one. I miss Jeff, so much.

count down

24 days until we move, AGAIN.

Remember when, just 10 months ago, I had to pack everything…Here we go again.  Still I run into the same obsticles.

Jeff’s passport…only one more page left to fill.  It took me about 30 minutes to put it in a box and tape it up.

But!  This is a good thing.  For everyone.

I’ll write more soon.

amazing

It’s really amazing how something as simple as a goal can be so empowering.  I feel better now that I know where I am headed.  I feel “in control”.   I almost feel good… I have even cooked for 6 days in a row!

I have 4 boxes packed, I have one third of the money I need in savings and Ben has “accepted” the fact that we a moving.

amazing!!

Baby Steps

So, a quick update…

I have decided that I need to go back to school so that I may get a job to support my family.

I decided where I am going to go to school at.

I looked at a house to rent this weekend, and liked it.

Next steps:

Convince Ben that he can move away from his girlfriend.

Gather $ for first and last months rent.

Find a microwave and other odds and ends for new house.

Apply for financial aid for school.

 

Wish me luck, I can do this, but with luck (and God) by my side it will be easier.

-One way-

I was thinking, if all roads were one-way streets I wouldn’t get lost.  If there were no detours or rest stops, or cutesy little tourist traps I would be there already.

I want to be “there”.  I don’t know where there is, but I want to.  I want to know where I am going.  I want to be done “drifting”.  I want to be the one choosing my destination, or at least have some input.

Does the destination determine the journey?  Or is it the journey which determines the destination? 

When you wonder aimlessly, I think, you will end up at a random destination.  Maybe a good place, maybe not.  If not, then you need to begin another journey until you randomly end up at that happy place… You’ll need good shoes.

If you know where your destination is, then you have options.  You can pick the shortest journey, or the prettiest route, or the path that brings you the most peace.  You can go at your own pace, or you can rush.  You can choose to stop at only the rest stops that have vending mechines. 

Once you know where you are going, know where you want to be, it’s easier to get there.  When you don’t, it’s alot of steps in many directions.  Oh, there may be cool suprises, and there might be really neat things to see along the way, but…

It really boils down to is:  What is most important, the journey, or the destination?

Right now I’m sick of the journey.  I want to be “there”.  When Jeff was alive I knew where I was going, I knew what destination I was working towards.  When he died, that destination was scratched off my map.  It no longer existed.  The last almost 14 months I have spent wondering, aimlessly, not knowing, and not feeling, just being.  I’m done. 

I now know where I want to be, I can look at my map and say “here, here is where I am going”.  I can ask for directions, I can track my progress.  I now can choose the path I want to be on, I can take the shortest, the longest, the prettiest or the fun-est. 

No matter what, I know now where I am going.

Shop with a cop

http://www.echopress.com/articles/index.cfm?id=61425